I envision myself at 10.29 am tomorrow.

The fan blows coldly. I pull my jumper closer to myself. I start keeping my pens, and the calculator. Thank you for working over these two weeks.

I check my paper - a futile attempt, really. Who checks a blank paper?

I look into the invigilator's eyes. They reflect the second hand of the class clock. Black on reflective black, like a snake in the water.

And just before the the second hand reunites with twelve, and as the invigilator says, "Stop writi-"

I ask myself - What have you done?

Since no teachers have posted anything remotely funny, I have to post something on my own (oh well).

Hmmm. Okay let's talk about what I do when I study.

The venue is important. I cannot, for reasons too obvious, study at home. (Actually I can, but I've psycho-ed myself to think that way.) So studying becomes quite an expensive business, because I have to constantly seek out quiet places to do my work.

No, not quiet. I just need a desk, some decent leg space, and my earphones. Then I'll order something (which shouldn't be too expensive), and start reading on my materials. After eating I'll start making notes (which are tedious, but can be entertaining. If I have the time, I'll post some of it up after exams. They're filled with comics and doodles and random commentaries.)

Different fastfood chains have different ambiences:

Subway
Ooh I like this one. The food is good, though I always stumble at the counter with indecision (eg, "Hmmm what's the difference between Italian and Hearty Italian? Erm how many sauces am I supposed to add? Oh my God no olives! No olives!"). The ambience isn't bad, especially if you sit beside a window seat. Oh yes, the importance of a window seat: you can stare at passers-by when you're bored, and if someone wants to hook you up you'll look like an artsy type. Subway has free refills too.

McDonalds'
I once got kicked out of Macs for studying there. End of commentary.
Okay no la it's okay but I'm pretty sick of Mac food and you can't really find seats. Plus, there will be rules-oriented lesbian grandmas ordering you around, and kicking you out if you bring outside food and stuff.

MOS Burger
Eh actually I haven't studied there before leh. But I think it should be okay. Especially with the orgasmic Ichigo Bliss (this frozen strawberry with ice-cream inside) - I think it should keep me awake. I shall try to study there later.

Burger King
Sorry, no commentary. I don't patronize this outlet after I puked my last BK meal out.

Starbucks
By far my favourite studying place, but it's also damn ex! And actually isn't much I can drink there - caffeine intolerance makes me nauseous afterwards. And the tables are pretty small... I don't know why I like it there. Maybe it's because of it's superb ambience - makes me feel high class.

Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf
Never studied there before, but the corec people always go there for our gatherings (when is the next one?). The frappucinno isn't bad. (Frap is probably the only thing I can drink - it's probably all sugar and ice with a liiiiiitle bit of caffeine).

If I'm broke, or I can't decide where to go, I'll hop onto a bus which goes to a faraway place (which is like 28, which goes to Tampines, or 88, Pasir Ris) from Toa Payoh and I'll just read my notes. I get giddy if I read stuff on vehicles though, so I'll read for a while, then stare at scenery. Oh, I must sit on the upper deck - it's more interesting this way. You get to see a large amount of people on the bus, like couples snogging, pitiful-looking Dad-and-Daughter, improper old man with young maid, etc, etc.

It's much more interesting than what Huiyao does: studying in front of the TV.

Okay I should be studying now... Cya ppl around.

(Hahahaha now my blog has the most interesting post amidst the blog circles I frequent.)

(Then again, that isn't something to be happy about. Sigh.)

This post has been screened for reputation's sake. Not necessarily mine.

I'm fifteen, and I need to make my IC, after watching people get theirs done and lamenting why I'm born that late.

I just woke up and felt amazingly, incredibly good. But that was because I felt intensely horrible last night. I mean, everything was fine, I loved most of the day, but Zheng Yu drugged me with a Venti Americano and my caffeine intolerance made me feel like hell. It was like, I'm super tired, but thousands of caffeine particles were rushing though my brain and channelling through my veins and I was breathing out coffee breath. 

So I was so relieved that I fell asleep at all.

(btw, it wasn't Zheng Yu's fault. We were at Starbucks studying and I conveniently forgot how I should never ever drink coffee because I get nauseous and sick. Americano is like... 100% unadulterated caffeine. I thought it was like frap when I ordered it.)

So anyway, the day started out okay. Until something happened to me, which is not mentionable.

Then I received other unmentionables from my friends, which I have to thank them for their concern for my lack of garments.

Thank goodness I can still depend on Zhenyang for a normal present.

The day went okay. I had fun talking rubbish with Zheng Yu after school and studying at Woodlands Starbucks.

***

I rather enjoy this birthday. It's not lavish, it's not elaborate. It's... ordinary. And I enjoy this ordinariness of it.

I didn't think of really extreme things. Some thoughts flashed across, but I just brushed them off softly. Perhaps they don't matter so much now.

What I had was this feeling that things might be worse, or they might be better. But they'll still go on. And I'll be able to face whatever's coming.

I thank all the people who've wished me a happy birthday, because I did - it was a subtle happiness. And please, do know that all of you contribute towards this.

Many things have happened since my last birthday, and some of those things have made me feel vulnerable. But I feel like I've been refreshed with a - no, not strength, but more of a  - gentle tug towards whatever's coming my way. There is a familiarity and kindness in this confidence. It's like a quiet voice, barely within hearing range, just beside me all the time.

So there. I'll go through another year, and see what goes. 

While I'm counting down to my birthday, I do my matrices and functions revision.

Hmmm.

This year my birthday seems a bit non-descript. I don't think anything's gonna happen.

No fireworks.
No air ticket to Netherlands.
No fancy presents.
Not even a puny flasher to cheer me up.

Not that I look forward to one.

I can almost predict how tomorrow's going to be. Which is in a few hours.

I'll reread my list of resolutions. Read some enlightening poems. Whisper softly to myself, "Happy birthday", in the melancholic sort of way that Harry Potter does in the first book, then wryly wishing Hagrid will come through the door.

Then if I'm tired, I'll go to sleep. Or else I'll try to do more functions.

Then I'll wonder why I didn't write birthday notes like I did last year. Then I might decide to bake cookies, but would then decide against it.

I'll probably receive some smses. Then I'll reply "Thanks:)". In school I'll probably be in a good mood, so I won't really care if Josh is noisy, so I won't poke him in the back and ask him to shut up tiredly.

I'll just float through the day. Then in the afternoon I'll go somewhere to study (failingly probably). Then maybe go to a bookstore and buy a present for myself.

I might think of people. I might think of my past birthdays. I might wish for more company. I might be a loser and go home early to share my birthday cake with my mother, as I do every year. Not that I dislike it.

I'll sit quietly in lessons, enjoying a secret only I know. Although it is a hollow secret.

I don't know why I don't look forward to my birthday.

Maybe I've exhausted all my gifts already.

Happy birthday.

I didn't spend my time doing homework, like I should. I retraced my steps.

Wednesday, 16th April 2008

This morning when I stepped into the band room, I knew something was wrong. Something about a group of juniors and batchmates sitting on the floor, listening to Sean and Huiyao preach about something.

Then Huiyao said, "Jiasheng, yesterday you and Liang Jun.." and I knew. I looked at Sean. I knew.

I spent the whole day brooding over it. Half the time I was angry at Sean, because how could he gossip some big and scandalous affair about me and his own section leader? (By the way, Sean doesn't look like it, but he's the bitchiest of the lot. He gossips about everything. I think it's influence from Huiyao. No offense to either of them.) 

The other half I was worried about Liang Jun, because he's a good person and gossips in the band tend to go out of hand (I mean, Tee Zhuo is now a grandmother which me as his French maid and we have lesbian sex every night.)

Then I gave it a lot of thought and decided to let it go. I bitch and gossip about other people too. Why can't people derive some sick twisted fun (like I do) from making fun of me? It never feels good when you're at the receiving end of a joke, but they mean no harm. In fact, I think people should thank me from distracting the general populous from their own real scandalous affairs.

Right now, I'm just too embarrassed to go talk to Liang Jun anymore.

***

I think the line from 'Half a Soldier' by Alfian Sa'at is cool:

Sniffed in the intimate musk of stars.

And it is a terrible irony that I found solace in Alfian Sa'at's blog after all that have happened.

I find his poetry possessing a sensitive, fragile quality, as though if I read it aloud, it would shatter and fade. I could only read it in my head, slowly, carefully, breaking down his sometimes complex prose into individual words of beauty.

I haven't typed like this for a long while.

What an amazing person, I thought to myself.

I didn't do any work. But I can now. Because I think I got over it.

Feeling guilty because...

- I'm being very slow at doing Maths and Physics stuff... didn't even touch Chemistry. I know I can't finish revising.

- And still I want celebrate my birthday in style (inclusive of fireworks spelling out my name, viewable nationwide)

- My mother has spent her 30th birthday giving birth to me, screaming in what I think must be a mix of pain and orgasm (in a disproportional ratio, of course), and all I bothered to buy was Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf coffee powder for her

- I've been sleeping so much and yet I still feel sleepy all the time

- Actually I don't feel like revising at all, because I can't do half the questions on my maths practice papers and it makes me just what to curl up in my Emo Corner and write emo poems

- Feeling lerthargic and useless

- And unproductive

- And keep thinking about the holidays

- Plus, I shouldn't be blogging right now

Rite of Spring by Seamus Heaney

So winter closed its fist
And got it stuck in the pump.
The plunger froze up a lump

In its throat, ice founding itself
Upon iron. The handle
Paralysed at an angle.

Then the twisting of wheat straw
into ropes, lapping them tight
Round stem and snout, then a light

That sent the pump up in a flame
It cooled, we lifted her latch,
Her entrance was wet, and she came.

... don't even ask me why.

Dear Random JC person,

Thank you for sitting in between me and Edwin today on the bus, so that I don't have to talk to him.

'Jiasheng

... because I really don't know what to say to him, really.

"no need to get anything for my birthday la... just accompany me the whole day :)"

"yeah sure :)"














Liar.

//POST EMO EDIT

Okay, so it's not my birthday yet, so technically he hasn't lied. But I mean, if you extrapolate the graph, it's like...

Holy shit let's go study graphs!

Who needs emoness during exam period.

Don't give yourself an excuse.

http://www.humoursenseupgrade.com/uploads/posts/1167218233_armpit.jpg

The worst thing about this is, I don't think it's photoshopped.

Waking up at 5am, falling asleep in class, chewing eclipse mints to keep me awake, napping the whole afternoon away, waking up at 7 to watch TV and eat dinner, doing my internet stuff till 10pm, going to 24 hours McDonalds' to do homework and revision (studying for easy Chem test, finishing 1 Physics exam paper and 1 assignment and 1 IHC assignment) while eating McNuggets, going home at 1.15 am, yawning to Symphonic Overture and other nice band songs makes Jiasheng a happy boy.

Well, at least happier. 

This is so going to become my routine. The sheer unhealthiness of it makes me high. 

Wikihow.com is an amazing website.

Just that it doesn't has an article for me.

This is a cool song.

I'm copying Huiyao: short posts with a video.

I mean, if you've got nothing better to say, why say it anyway?

On the last day of the September holidays, I went on the Singapore flyer.

It was really scary at first, but after a while you get used to it. I crawled to the glass door, where if you imagine, it would seem like there's no door at all, and you could fall down to the dazzling city below.

The cars look like ants with Christmas tree lights. They zoomed around the highways, all the Hondas, Toyotas, Porsches and Jaguars looking equally minute and insignificant. The buildings were solid beams of light into the sky, blinking their various insignias.

Somewhere, in this confusing whizz of lights and shapes, I can't help but wonder, where are you?

So there sat I, at the height of heights, wondering. 

Before we say anything we'll regret, let's cool off for a while.

See you when we're ready.

Okay I was totally going to blog about how much fun I had these two days, talking with really good euphonium players, who are all majors by the way, and talking about leadership stuff, how we should stay professional, discussing the best punishment (lol) (we decided that rewriting scores is the best), playing really fun music and random songs, having lunch together and laughing over the stupidest things.

Yeah, I had a lot of fun at NCO pre-camp, I won't deny that. But it makes me feel like Lionel (Tan), and I don't feel comfortable.

Lionel used to say that the NCO people are much more sincere, blahblahblah. And I thought that was bullshit, 'cause it doesn't mean that you can go off marrying the other NCO people just because the exco didn't work out. 

But it's true. I feel more relaxed. More refreshed. Talking about major stuff, I feel like I'm getting back the passion that got me to do things for the band, which I've been losing these days.

These days, I function as BM because I need to. Running through the motions. I even feel tired of it sometimes; questioning my worth, not too sure of why I'm doing all these.

Now, I know I want to do it. Because I want to. Being around with competent players and leaders (who are much better than me), makes me aspire to want to be someone. To do something for my band. 

I don't want tiresome quarrels. I don't want bitchy discussions. I don't want people to comment on my batch saying, "Oh, on the surface they do things, but actually they suck man."

I don't want to feel worthless as a BM. I don't to think negative thoughts (which I do a lot nowadays). I don't want to see things which go against my principles, yet I can't do anything about, except be resentful and wonder when things are going to be right again.

I want to do something!

I'm no Lionel. I don't feel the need to escape, and I won't use NCO pre-camp as a sad excuse because things aren't working out now. I'm going to use whatever I've learnt, and after we come back from exams we'll have a fresh start.

To whoever who's reading this now, and if it applies to you:
If I've done anything wrong, I'm sorry. Really. I'll forgive your faults. After exams, let's work together again. Work on a clean slate.

Jiayou, everyone.

p/s I don't think I deserve to thank everyone for the FY exchange, since I did nothing, but I really appreciate all your help, especially the guys who came early to help, and Qi Fan and Jie Xuan for settling a lot of work. Please take a good rest.

p/s/s Qi Fan, I'm sorry if I was uber mean (I know I was), because you are the one who suffered the most from the work, and I really did nothing at all, so I don't deserve to criticize you at all. I'm sorry.