blog/enigma
I swear, I'm never going to get a present for anyone ever again.
The search for Luther's took me from all the tinsel and lights at Orchard to cigarette-smoked Bugis Street where still I ended up with nothing, after a weekend of searching.
Seriously, buying gifts is such a stupid event. I always thought gifts were meant to be practical, like the toaster in weddings and a book for the bibliophile, but clearly I was wrong. At first I considered buying a mouthpiece at Yamaha (don't even mention it now; obviously my spendthrift instincts kicked in) then decided on a warm-up exercises book (which I dropped the decision, recalling how that guy don't have to refer to warm-up books. He does his own.)
On a totally unrelated note, I now have an addition to my wishlist - the nearly 9-grand euphonium on display at YMH. Christmas, birthday, Hanukkah, whichever festival you give presents, there's your clue.
I met Wei Xin (Fine, I forgot his name when I saw him - I merely recognize his face - and I checked later on the list. There - slay me for my ignorance) yesterday after one last ditch (albeit failed) attempt to salvage a gift for L when he came to me at the station and said 'Hi!' quite enthusiastically. I think he's always that happy-looking. Just that I didn't really notice.
After a conversation with him, including an update on how's HCIB, I realize I missed a lot of nice people last year. I'm kind of regretting last year.
I've been busy chasing after those people who wouldn't give a sock for me, yet I didn't see all those nicer people who, frankly speaking, are actually great people. That's how I ended up seeing a senior at an MRT station and trying to remember his name, while joining in his guffaws and relating how the band is.
I was too self-absorbed. Everything was about me, but not others. I knew I was selfish, but that incident brought me into thinking, and consequently into a shocking epiphany. Like most people, I'm too concentrated on the tiny things and insignificant people in life. Meanwhile, I largely ignored those people who truly matter.
Maybe I was too wrapped in that 'Jiasheng the negative antisocial junior' label that I thought everyone had given me, and thus acted that way. But sometimes I wonder - why am I acting to their whims? Aren't I always stressing the importance of individuality? Clearly not everyone thought I was negative and antisocial - Wei Xin didn't, at least. He could have passed by me without saying a word (I admit, I would have done that) but he chose to say hi and be ... himself.
That's important. Being yourself. The problem is that I don't have an identity I can stick with. I'm like one of those dandelions, taking to whatever wind that gusts up. Sure, you say, oh please. Jiasheng is one of the most attituded person I've ever met. How can he be fickle-charactered?
The creature which will survive is not the strongest, nor the smartest, but the most reactive.
When one reacts to the situation, he/she loses that unique quality of being. An adaptive creature constantly have to change and adapt - is there still a constant personality?
I don't know. This stuff's pretty deep, even for me.
On a lighter note, guess who gagged today when he saw L's presents.
Yeah, me. I mean, it's totally irrational. Why on earth would anyone buy some fluffy toy or gigantic garfield (or whatever huge-sized kid merchandise) which, besides for collecting dust, have no practical purpose.
But oh sure. I guess it feels pretty good to get this sort of present for L. Well. In a way I did get L's present. I promised to practise harder for SYF (which was what he wanted me to do, instead of a trumpet mouthpiece when I asked him on MSN).
Oh well. I'm not joining their fun club anytime soon. (I wonder if anyone bonded him. If that's possible.)
Anyway. I got caught in the Princess Diaries Craze. Before you say anything nasty, like I regrettably did when I poked fun at Zhengyu, let me tell you that it is extremely entertaining. Granted, for those people who frequently peruse these kinds of teen novels, it might be so-so, but for a person who spends his time reading the subject-verb agreement on Wikipedia, it is a delightful break.
I only have one problem, which is : The cover of the book is pink.
OF course, I'm no colour sexist, but isn't it a tad too inappropriate? I mean, for girls it's alright, but guys who enjoy Mia's adventures as Princess of Genovia, you can't exactly read it without considerable amount of harassment and teasing (An RI guy scowled straight in my face on my way home, "What kind of book is THAT?")
But still. I get some praise for my bravery (HCI guy told him that it's a nice book).
I'm starting to like my school for a change.
Oh, just to sum this random post up, I bought 2 pairs of new shoes today. I think I'll trust my vain instincts and wear that adidas pair. The other one is some german brand which I think is quite cool (seeing it doesn't have laces OR velcro, making my life cycling considerably easier).
The only catch is that me and my mum had to lie about the price of the shoes. My father caught the big bad stingy dad syndrome.
Whatever. I'll post something substantial up. Gotta do maths now.
Ciao.
signed, jiasheng
Reply<...> Yeah, I appreciate your sagacity, but it's different when you're in the situation, not outside with a cool eye. Some things get straighten out:
1) He's not acting cute. (Rephrase: he is incapable of that)
2) If you know me, which I have a feeling you do, and I know you too, then you know that Jiasheng is hardly sensitive. He writes brutal. He degrades mercilessly. Not that it helps very much with the personal goals, but at least I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I'm not one of those people try to be nice when they want to crush that person inside.
3) You're absolutely right! Care comes from intrinsic instinct, not compelled action. I just ran out of it. I happen to have an atrociously low amount of patience for people who like to rot by their own choice. I don't suffer fools, people who suffer from emotional quotient deficiency and people who are both.
I'll post my shopping ordeal some other day.
signed, jiasheng
I'm seriously irritated.
Gideon with his inquisitive antics, I can stand.
Ryan with his "Oh my god" suffixes, I can stand.
However, what I cannot stand is some emotional freak bothering me all day.
Yes, I'm talking about Tee Zhuo.
Firstly, just because he's gone all teary and depressed doesn't mean he go tell everyone about me (by this I mean, mumbling my name and leaving it at that) which is totally annoying. It leaves everyone asking me what I did to him (which is by the way, nothing, because I have absolutely no interest whatsoever. Now, at least.)
The thing that makes me the maddest is how that ungrateful ingrate goes off dispensing rumors (of course, he didn't, but I like to think of it this way) while I, the ever so helpful person is now being misunderstood (which ruins my reputation. In some people at least.)
Hello, I want to be well-liked. And associating myself with the likes of you, the fragile glass that shatters into a million pieces with a single word, the crybaby that wails and balks at every mention of his oh-so-unrequited-love is not what I would call a personality-enhancing action.
Granted, I do know by saying this I'm not attracting any good comments. In fact, now you guys would know I'm this nasty monster who bites back at a mere provocation. Well, that's that. I'm just furious at how HE can sob so pitifully and lament at his terrible fate while I get to be the scapegoat, the previously-nice person who tried to help.
Guess what, there is a limit to patience after all. And mine is running out.
So read this, and go grab another tissue and go drown yourself in tears.
I hope you die.
signed, jiasheng
I want to post.
I want to post on how the pathetic situation in PCPS that day. And how boring begging for alms is.
But now I can only realize how lucky I am.
How fortunate I can have the life I have.
How lucky I didn't end up like people I know.
How everything could turn out wrong, but did not.
I'm sorry.
signed, jiasheng
HAHA! I just saw Jx's post on his MSG so far! So I shall at least boast a bit, since that's not what I can do every day.
(In chronological order)
Chinese - A1 (If I didn't get A1 for Chinese might as well kill myself)
IS - B4 (By the way the total mark's 30, not 25. I asked.)
Mathematics - D7 (Yeah yeah whatever. I'm a savant, not a polymath.)
Biology - A1 (At least salvaged some Bio. Rep. pride...)
Geography - A1 (Did I mention it's so easy?)
MSG: 2.8
I expected my MSG this term to be quite low, so it's alright. Just to comfort myself, I suppose I will get at least 1.5 for my good subjects (language-based).
Otherwise, those technical subjects are not my thing.
Though I'm quite worried about history. Mr. A. Tan said the highest about 12/20. Oh no.
Hopefully my Literature and English might back me up. I'm depending on them already.
Oh well. I think my mun is going to yell at me when she finds out my maths test was a disaster. But she seems strangely tranquil these few days and haven't been scolding me for little things like not bring the dishes to the sink (I'm a big sloth at home. All my family members had been my servants at one point or the other. Still, the little prince is not satisfied)
Alright! Chinese New Year might cheer me up.
And I have an extended deadline for LAMP. I have a plot in mind already.
I look forward to a great and well-deserved writing break! As in, I can write during this break.
Oh, and I have to go see my teachers too. Mrs. Chen, Mrs. Lim and Xie Lao Shi. (the teachers trio xD)
I think Mrs. Lim would be quite disappointed with my maths results. I want to see Junior Lim!
Hmmmm. Ohkay. Better go shower le.
C'ya 'ater.
signed, jiasheng
I feel retarded.
Ohkay, I think I owe you people, and certain people an explanation.
I shall remember this date, 14/2/2007. It goes:
It was a pretty hectic, normal Wednesday with the timetable chock full of subjects (in fact all academic subjects except Geography) and there was another dreaded swimming lesson. After that, Tee Zhuo and I went to the band room and we found Zhengyu there. I'm not going to question if he played truancy or whatsoever, but he better come up with an explanation just in case I turn my back on him someday.
(Why am I so negative?)
Anyway, I got 17/40 for my first maths test. Mrs. Khoo said it was 'less-than-desirable' results. I have several questions for her:
1) Why can't you use the proper term which eliminates the quotation marks and dashes? 'undesirable' sounds so much nicer.
2) How do you define 'less-than-desirable'? According to me, this result is desirable. I've always thought that if I even scored one mark for the test, I would be ecstatic.
3) Why do you need to read a reflection writeup? It will probably make you feel as nauseous as I do when I see algebra.
I'll post the reflection up when she returns it to me. Maybe she'll be so mad after reading it that she'll show it to the dean of studies (I HAVE NO IDEA WHO) who will spank me and I'll sue her and another HC scandal!
(Why am I so negative?)
The rest of the day passed uneventfully, until band practice.
I decided not to be so daoish and therefore, resolved to be more cheery. Unfortunately, my idea of cheery is 'overtly optimistic that I look like a lunatic clown' so those people coming early for sectionals will see Jiasheng changing his mode of transport from walking to hopping, jumping and skipping. Another misfortune is how there were only quite daoish people. Except Derrick. He was being very talkative today, contrastingly. I think my efforts to talk to him in early attempts paid off. Yay! Another friend! I'm happyyyy.... and loony.
So the rest of sectionals was spent with Jiunn Lin, who complained it was super hot in the library room without air-conditioning. So we were taking 2-minute breaks every fifteen minutes to pop into the main band room. Which is like, totally ridiculous.
Oh, did I mention Liang Jun anywhere? No? Oh, ohkay. After trying to break through that iron wall, I think he's real cute. As in innocent, naive and childish cute. When you ask him questions, I swear him and Da Xian is related - he doesn't give absolute answers. He'll just say 'Maybe', 'Perhaps', 'Whatever you think' or something like that. Then when he doesn't know or don't wish to express his opinions, he'll just give a cute shrug. When I told him that I think he's cute, he was like hiding his face behind his hands, still holding the drumsticks.
Oh myyy. So cute.
(Ohkay, now I don't sound negative, I sound gay.)
Anyway, then I was skipping about as usual then I just felt so tired. Exhausted tired.
So I was like leaning on Jie Xuan, trying to get some rest when Tee Zhuo swung the door open. And then he began ranted on how he has the impression that Jie Xuan and I were having gay sex because we look so physically worn-out. I smirked and informed him curtly that I still have that last ounce of energy to strangle someone and if he wanted one, just stick that tender neck closer to my hand.
Then I napped on my bag awhile, feeling strangely cold. Even though I'm in a(in LZ's words) ' hot room' (namely the instrument's store). But I just needed a break, I think.
Then Tee Zhuo and Liu Zhen came in and began to fuss over me thinking I'm sick. I have the same feeling, but nonetheless, I decided to be the stubborn patient (like the obstinate person I am) and be non-cooperative.
Still, Liu Zhen was being super nice. More than that. He sacrificed his jacket and kept asking me how I was and tutting. A major can yell commands at you, arrange blocks, answer your questions, but one who really show concern for you when you're sick (especially when he could have revenge and leave me there to rot) must really care for the band. I think.
Then I was being a nasty patient and later, when we were walking to the bus stop, I suddenly remembered something and turned back, leaving Zhengyu and Liu Zhen following me. I decided then to be horrible and get them off my back but typing on my phone (my throat was too sore to speak) that 'if you two keep stalking me (LZ gasped at this point) then I'll use my last ounce of energy to run.'
Zhengyu feared that I might collapse afterwards (I postulate I really will if I did ran) so they went off grudgingly.
I wanted to apologize and explain, but later LZ's message completely horrified me. He said something about I don't have to worry since he's not going to be so nice next time.
Now I really really regret certain things.
But anyway, after an sms and two calls which he didn't pick up, I think I'll tell him tomorrow. I still owe him an explanation.
signed, jiasheng
This morning I woke up, and sat up in bed. I stared at the darkness around me, wondering where I was, and it took me a moment to realize that I was at home.
While I was checking the messages on SMB, I decided to sidetrack a little and update myself on blog-surfing. So the first stop was Jx's, and it marvelled me how right my intuition could be to read such an enlightening post right at the start. It turned out that he was having one of his thinking sessions (I thought he was daoing me yesterday) and thus, remained so quiet.
No wonder. I was thinking what I might have done wong. I even smsed him later asking what was the matter. Oh well - not my fault then. I realize some people can be very oblivious to their surroundings when they're working on something. That includes me. I'm constantly thinking, so it's no surprise everyone thinks I'm daoish.
Anyway, I also thought about extroverts and introverts. In my opinion, I think introverts still rock. I'll never be one of those happy-go-lucky people. I've seen a lot of desperados coming out of that personality. You know, those people with this compulsive need to talk and relate to other people no matter where they are. Like. Sean Chia. (No offence here, but you should see how he can perform the wondrous act of playing his french horn WHILE sightreading a score WHILE smsing WHILE talking to KX. It's incredible.
Me, I like reclusivity. I prefer not hanging around with people more often. Yes, I enjoy good company, especially those who make me feel wanted, but I'm perfectly alright with not talking otherwise.
I think JX is becoming an misanthrope like me. By right, I should cheer and shout for joy, but it isn't a great thing to have another person like me around.
Did I mention Huiyao is a very good comedian?
And anyway, just some links JX might want to consider reading.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misanthropy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error
signed, jiasheng
I'm devastated, and I don't know why.
It's totally ridiculous. I think I need to see a psychiatrist soon. I've been getting total mood swings - one moment I'm lucidly happy, another I'm suicidal.
And between these extremes, I'm left strained out and worn, as if emotions sap energy. In phases of changes, I become silent and autistic, blocking out all contacts yet trying hard to establish some sort of flailing connection with someone.
This might be it. After years of not-so-normal functioning, my brain has finally rose the white flag. Of course, why didn't I think of that - I'm finally going mad. Losing all mental sense. Robbed of my psychological faculties. Stripped of my personal identity.
I hate this evil, twisted, illogical and revoltingly abnormal life of mine.
Either that, or the other option I don't want to think about. That's scarier.
Oh great. Now I'm starting to feel melancholic again. I must write and pen down some last words before those words, conceived and planned meticulously by my mind, is lost forever in the chasms of it.
I must write.
I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. I lead a fairly eccentric life, but hey, so does everyone. I don't need others to point a mocking finger and say, "We all have that,"
According to Mariah Carey in "When You Believe", love is supposed to be very near.
Then why do I feel as if it's further and further away, out of my desperate grasps?
As if it's on a ship out to sea, its swan song to the other side. And between is a seething ocean of silver-coated knives, stabbing sharply, mercilessly and unrelentingly into a heart which bleeds afresh.
Drip by drip, drop by drop.
Some people draw inspiration from extremities, but I seek solace in silence.
And other people may falter in their shuffled steps to glance at a sunrise, while I look beyond the first rays of the day and into yesterday's night.
There's one single thing someone cannot take away from you, not matter how hard they try. They can steal from you all comfort, basic needs like food to nourish your cracked frame, water to refresh that parched throat, free air to breathe. They can take away your friends, family, even your own life with a slash of that glinting blade.
But still, they can't take from you that strong yet fragile emotion if you choose not to give it up.
That's one very special thing in life.
signed, jiasheng
I had an important lesson today.
I had a swimming lesson. Which is not really important, but I'll get to it later. Before the lesson, I was all bubbly and excited. It's kind of tragic actually, me only using the pool in Hwachong after a whole year. Come to think of it, I haven't been in water all 2006. In fact, I haven't been anywhere near a swimming pool (fine, the poolside restaurant. But you know what I mean.) for since primary school. And even in primary school, swimming was more of a once-every-random-number-of-months event. So it is quite understandable that I should be excited - swimming had always been fun for me. As in. Splashing fun, yes.
Which brings to the point that I can't swim. Yes, I know, pretty sad, but when you only get to go to the public pool, which is barely 1.2 metres deep at most, you don't need to learn how to swim. It's a simply 'thrash in one direction and eventually you'll get there' matter.
Anyway, when the teacher told us to swim across the Olympic-sized pool (is it really that huge? It seemed like a short distance to me...), I was confident that I can do it. After all, the pool is only that long, and though I had no formal training, it ought to be easy enough.
Right?
(Now I know you guys will immediately whine out 'Noooooo' because that's what readers do when they see something that is obviously wrong but the writer is so disillusioned by his own ability that he could not see the truth then. So if I wrote that I successfully completed the lap, then you people will be shocked and be interested to read more. It's called the reverse twist in the plot. English test is tomorrow, sorry.)
Unfortunately, I can't twist the truth here. Noooooooo.
Anyway,
When I got into the water, I had a weird feeling, like I should get out immediately. Run to safety to land. But the whistle blew, and I found myself, well, thrashing towards the target.
As the chlorine water splashed around me, rippling, attacking my face, a deeper-seated rooted fear rose in me. At first, I had no idea why I'm so afraid. So I just kept on at ripping out water, trying in vain to progress. Then images, memories, voices rushed to my mind, an overwhelming slew of experiences.
'I'm going to drown. I'm going to drown.'
'Hahahahah!' torturing laughter.
A boy dragging a 5-year-old me into the deep parts of the pool.
Me struggling to break free.
Me crying.
Me choking in the water.
Me grabbing on to anything besides the menacing water that just slipped out of my hands.
Me seeing the murderous boy's evil glint in his eye.
Then he carried me on his back, back to the side of the pool.
And followed me home.
And every time we went swimming, he would always tag along, and even though I tried my best to avoid him like the plague, running to the safety of land every time I see him in my region of the pool. He was a shark - that loved to play with its food. And although I cried and complained to my parents, my near-death experiences never bothered them. You see, this boy is too smart. He always saves me when I suffer up to the point so there's no mortal damage. In fact, no damage at all.
Or so I thought. No physical damage, anyway.
As I progressed through the pool, all these thoughts swam up to me. My feet began to remember the sensation of not touching the ground; the water around me became choppy and turbulent, as if a gigantic mouth trying to swallow me whole. I panicked. What if I drown? What if there was someone again, trying to drag me off to the middle of the pool and leaving me there? Then I'll die for sure.
The only way not to sink is to keep on going.
So even though my arms and legs burned like acid on skin, I kept on. I didn't care if I'm turning out last - I just want to get out of the pool, quick.
It's funny how people tend to forget the pain when it's gone. Out of sight, out of mind. But for scars like these, they are never gone. When you trigger an anchor, it will always be glad to resurface.
And that's the story of my phobia. Hydrophobia is a pretty pathetic phobia to develop, since it's nearly every aspect of my life.
But so it is. And the irony is, it's caused by this person very close to me. My brother.
It's not that I blame him, and I know you readers will think how evil he is. I'm not going to be a nice younger brother and say he's not. He is. Along with all the stories I can tell later. His other misadventures. But that's for another day.
I like to believe everyone has his faults. And even though his are numerous, most of the time he's still a fantastic brother. Fine, I also believe that if I told him about the swimming incident today, he'll laugh his head off, but still. He's my brother.
And I haven't even elaborated on what I've done to him these recent years as revenge. Like editing his personal nick in MSN to 'Hi there! I love porn, you know. Do you have any porn? If not I can circulate my self-photographed ones to you.' (He's so daft he doesn't notice all day, and all his friends would have seen that by then.)
But I'm scared. How can such a fear still exist?
Why is it not gone?
And how can Jiasheng show a moment of weakness? I'm not someone else, for goodness's sake. Jiasheng should never be subjected to this kind of ordeal.
I'm thinking, maybe it's precisely I've suffered so much in childhood that now I'm so cold and negative. I've built a wall around me before any spears can get through. Spears of friendship, spears of hatred alike.
It's really ironic. I always thought I liked my persona. But maybe being a silly junior who go round assaulting people's cheeks is much more fun.
I really don't know.
signed, jiasheng
