blog/enigma
Random senior>>
Firstly, thanks for reading through.
I would also like to have say something here. I've seen your message and I think I'm obliged to explain the situation further, since a person of his caliber is likely to speak his own point of view.
Still, I thank you for tolerating what he has complained and in overall, trying to improve the situation.
1)Being fed-up with him.
I've gone off that stage. I had realized it's useless trying to convince myself that he was actually a good senior. After that incident, it was almost like a fact of life. It erased all hope from me that he had been a good leader. What fool I was to think that he's actually doing it purely out of passion?
Does being fed-up give him the authority to disregard basic respect for another person? Does it forfeit the ability to think clearly? More importantly, does it warrant a lack of control on his part?
It simply goes to show what he really is.
2)Appreciating his help
I did not put off all his efforts for the band. But after the episode, I have a nagging suspicion he's just doing it on orders. It would be much easier for him to just leave his duties - judging from his behavior.
3)Being fair
There's no such thing anymore, don't you realize? Fairness is for naive folks who forget the presence of scheming people and the unpredictability of life.
4)Repulsive behavior
It's true. To me at least. I reckon what people do when they are caught off guard is their true behavior. Behavior is not grinning sickly in front of band teachers and scolding them on a bus with your juniors afterwards - it's what you reveal when you think no one is looking that counts. I don't know about you, but isn't true character showed not only in times of crisis, but every hour of the day? I just read through my conversation with him again, and still I found it disappointing. He talked as though he was laboring, doing forced work. I don't understand it at all, especially from someone who I previously respected a lot and were one of the leading factors to me loving the band. So was it all an act, a farce? Was I blindly following someone who is unsure of his loyalties?
Now I even doubt my own commitment. And, alongside, sanity.
A simple incident can cast light on many issues.
And that's about it. I'm disappointed. And admittedly, a little confused over the entire situation, feeling sometimes I'm the only sane person in the time of chaos, or the other way round, the idiot whom everyone mocks.
signed, jiasheng
I've reached a disturbing epiphany.
I'm not suitable to stay in this band.
Not when it chooses its leaders by popularity. No, never.
Why do I work so hard for an impossible goal? Why do I find myself questioning if I'm wrong after all?
Why do I sometimes feel I'm being cold and heartless while being immensely practical?
I was glad that I went to him and told him. He shows his true colors finally. He doesn't deserve the band tee.
It's an utterly repulsive character flaw.
Or maybe I'm the only freak who happens to be obsessed with the band.
Yes, maybe I should, in his words, "fuck off".
That's alright.
Alright.
signed, jiasheng
A Study: The Egoistical Nature of Lin Jiasheng
Chapter 1: How He Manages To Be The Subject Of Loathing
-He detests the use of abbreviation, but constantly finds excuses to use them himself. Notorious excuses include:
1)I'm royalty.
2)Who are you to berate His Highness? Guards, drag that ignorant fool out!
3)A once in a while indulgence should be alright.
4)I'm immersing myself in the teenage subculture.
5)My abbreviations are exceptional! They can't be compared with lowly mortal standards.
-How he reacts to other people's atrocious typing:
1)That's condemnable.
2)I suggest you take the 3R approach - Repelling, Revolting and Repulsive.
3)Oh no! A dyslexic cat has taken over your keyboard!
4) I shall suggest that you are merely typing some sort of exotic language extinct from the modern, sane world, and therefore you are not just showing your intense stupidity.
5)It was said that a million monkeys typing randomly at the keyboard will eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to just one, we know it's not true.
-He supposedly insult people behind their backs. Now, as the statistics show, the number one subject of hatred is directed to 'backstabbers', (information obtained from http://look-what's-on-the-'hate'-section-in-every-blog-and-you-
see-'backstabbers'.com,last accessed 19th September 1734)
From one of his egoistical speeches:
"I declare that I do not hate nor insult people behind their backs. If I have any problems dealing with you, there are simple steps I can take to annoy you, instead of having to commit such dishonorable acts. For such a master at oratorical skillfulness , a word is all I have to utter to leave you speechless."
-He also detests weaklings trying to threaten him with puny lines, such as "stop commenting on me or u wldnt lik wad i'll do to u."
-Also, he has the tendency to plot magnificent plans just to have a taste of vengeance. It includes:
1)Making sure every single person know of his Nemesis's faults.
2)Writing novels which often include the hated person as the antagonist.
3)Being colder than frozen hydrogen oxide.
4)Shipping a gun over from US and blowing that person's brains out. And watch him squirm and cringe while he mock him. Preferably in front of a crowd.
5)Being extraordinarily nice to the person and slit his wrist when he isn't looking.
-He is known to be unreasonably stubborn, especially when he thinks he's right. Which isn't too bad most of the time, besides from the times when he's grossly wrong.
-One of his less said words are "Sorry", "I'm wrong to say that", and "You're right!"
-He enjoys putting himself as the protagonist in his novels and writing positive things to tide him over moodiness.
-He has violent tendencies (includes the comment about blowing brains out) and excuses himself by saying he's 'being in touch with his natural instincts'.
~To be continued~
signed, jiasheng
I've not posted for a long time. It might mean some people would be quite delighted to see an updated post there.
If I have to list everything since the last post, I guess I would have to spend my time compiling a book. And if I had the superb memory to remember every paraphernalia, MENSA would have invited me to join their high IQ club.
I'm pretty sure I'm a savant though. It provides a convenient excuse why I can remember the word "Floccinaucinihilipilification" (which means, 'the act of accessing something as worthless', by the way) but I cannot calculate algebraic linear calculations without adding an extra mantissa or warping it into a number so atrociously different from the correct answer that my Maths teacher declared me a perverse individual who bends the very laws of reality by coming up with such insolence.
Actually, she did not verbalise it, but I know it when she gives me the look.
Anyway, back to the original topic.
Last night, I had a nightmare that now, seems comical. I shall refrain from typing it out in case a psychologist reads it and analysed in the typical Fruedian fashion that I'm mentally unstable and I need lifetime therapy and I ought to be committed to an asylum bound by chains and permanently sedated with tranquillizers.
Besides, it doesn't lend credit to my seemingly secure image, and in order to maintain my reputation (like I have one in the first place) I shall not and will never mention it again. Unless someone asks me about it.
Miss Meredith will probably curtly inform me on MSN that I'm insane. Which I would reply to, "Don't you know that already?"
In case my band seniors see this (namely Weiqi and Liu Zhen. I wonder if they still read it) and start thinking the wrong way about me and Meredith, I shall clear all doubts by saying Meredith is this pesky P6 junior of mine who is a basic loudmouth and claims to be an incredible observer and is currently finding out who I like. She's probably going to say I have a crush on my Alma Mater's cleaning lady or something.
Speaking of "wrong", my friends have concluded I think wrongly frequently. "Wrongly", thinking sexualized thoughts or connecting everything to sexual connotations. And that conclusion came from a lunch at Swensens.
Venue: Swensens, Toa Payoh central
People: Mavis, Sylvia, Rebecca, Maria, Jiasheng
What: Lunch
When: Er.. Lunchtime?
What happened: We were ordering dessert after lunch (noticed I used the singular noun form - the lunch was exorbitant, to say the least) and as we flipped through the menu, or "manure", as Mavis calls it, we found an interesting item.
"Topless 5, You can choose from 5 different flavours, served topless for your pleasure"
Yes, I'm not making this up. Naturally, you would connect 'topless' with something 'wrong' right?
So there you go, 5 kids giggling over 'manure'. Actually, 4 kids, as Syl was busy getting a cone at the counter.
Therefore, when the waiter came, we asked him about it. I half-giggled like a hysterical girl and asked him, "Why does is it written in such a suggestive way? I mean, "Served topless for your pleasure?" It sounds wrong."
He was trying very hard to hide his mirth. It's hard to be a waiter when you have to serve little kids with big mouths.
"Topless here would mean it is not covered with any flavouring and it is presented with its original flavours."
Alright, I said. We'll have *cough* one Topless 5.
So as he took our orders, Syl and the others dubbed me 'the-one-who-thinks-wrongly-and-speaks-freely"
Anyway, `the waiter was still laughing when he concluded our meal when the bill came. He was saying, "You had one Curry Chicken Set, one Baked Chicken Fried Rice, One Italian Spaghetti, and one *a commendable and conscious effort not to be subjugated to laughter is observed* Topless 5,"
Another big decision: I've decided to work!
Which is a big statement, seeing that I've no idea who would be my first boss.
I got that idea from various sources: the first one was admittedly from Nicholas, who , at my guess, works in a bar. Of course, I'm not going work in such a place. I'm very biased against him, I don't know why.
Anyway, Syl's mum wants her to work too. I haven't got an inkling why anyone would want their 13-year old daughter to work. Especially one that whines and jumps when she's upset and tends to get violent with her bestie when he lists her faults.
Haha. Okay, I'm going to get it from her on MSN.
But the idea interests me and although I'm definitely not going to finish my novel in time before the holidays end (in fact, the writing work has been put on hiatus as I'm either too lethargic to work, or I'm too disgusted at my plot.
I got the idea of tutoring kids though. My dad said once that he would pay me to teach my sister (she got all band 2s for her subjects) but she was having a tuition teacher then and I said I didn't want to sack the tuition teacher (even though she's a bimbo-er bimbo than Veronica in Archie Comics and calls her boyfriend while teaching and puts makeup and wears indecent clothing. Wait. I should have sacked her).
And my uncle, who is a kiasu and have a 6 year old kid who knows more than me, asked me to teach that brainiac daughter of his Japanese and would pay me 100 bucks a month. I said I was too busy. (The actual reason being I want to hold some advantage over my cousin in case she grows to be even more of an intellectual than me. Which is quite immature on my part. Seeing that my uncle would probably hire someone else.)
I mentioned it to my mother over breakfast at the coffee shop, right after I told her about the nightmare I had. She was still musing about my dream and after I told her about my inspirations, she had the look she would show if I told her I have gotten full marks for a Chinese pop quiz (translation: blank look)
Then she told me to pass me her coffee, which I did.
I asked her if she wanted to be her first customer. Chinese pop quiz again.
My sister immediately quipped up, "No!"
Then I asked if she had any colleagues that she might refer to me. She muttered someone's name and smiled thoughtfully.
Later that day, when I reminded her again, she said she was glad that her son is so interested in earning money. That's while she's blowing her hair dry.
Pros of getting a holiday job:
I can finally have some sort of financial security when I have a Swensens meal. I had to share lunch with Mavis. Which sounds sweet, but I bet she's secretly pitying me that I'm such a loser.
Yep. That's all. Maybe, add in the fact that I love to teach. Now compare the disadvantages:
Cons
You have to fifteen to work. That would mean the police would arrest my boss. Maybe I should ask Mr. Orange Coffin for a job.
I'm too shy at times. It's very socially crippling, especially when you're thirteen and looking for something to do to earn your right to eat without worrying at Swensens.
I can't do long-term. Band saps almost all my time. Mr. Lim is already quite disgusted at me for being away for a week at the camp. So that would mean less time to work.
Spicy has a job at the school bookshop, I hear. That's wrong. He shouldn't be doing it first! *Now here's a bit of male jealousy our dear psychologist would like to study*
I'll think about it again.
Postscript: Go read 'the boyfriend list' by e. lockhart. It's a very interesting book. And it adds to my preaching skills.
'Jiasheng aka Preacher
signed, jiasheng
"I'm more of Edmund than Alex,"
And Mrs. Chen laughed it off. Oh wow.
Okay that was a spastic and weird start.
Anyway, the facils are having a tagboard conversation on the camp blog. So every few minutes seconds you get to refresh and chat.
Now isn't that interesting.
Anyway, I'm only good for organizing stuff, doing the dirty work, leading ignoramuses, being a crap leader and idiotic cheerleading. Not mixing with the 'in-crowd' and entertaining them.
Not that I don't like this arrangement though. Suits me perfectly. I stand and watch.
Which might explain why I'm either working in the IP room or sleeping from the fatigue during the camp while the other facils burn themselves up playing truth or dare.
Anyway, the facils camp might not even work out, so don't depend on it.
And the blogskin wouldn't come out for a long long time.
Because Mrs. Sew is taking a long time to upload the pictures onto the school's website.
So I can't play around with the pictures. Which means I can't give it to Iris for blogskinning.
Heck, she doesn't even know about the blogskin I expect.
Wow this is such a depressing post.
And with atrocious poor sentence structures too.
Like I care. Never mind, my mood would be better tomorrow.
I hope.
Arghkology.
signed, jiasheng
This morning, I woke up and glanced at my clock. It says 9.25. I heard the television on and got up. I plopped onto the sofa and watch Doraemon for half-an-hour. I ate some chocolate cake. I drank some green tea.
It seems too normal to be true.
It was only when I saw the box of things that I've brought home from the camp that I realised that I had spent almost 2 months preparing for a camp. With that, I've missed band practices (much to my guilt), got scoldings from my mum, flared up, enjoyed typing away at the computer, spent time with my friends, cheered till my voice would screech up even in normal speech, scolded people, led the team around the school, stared at the dancing flames from the campfire, witnessed flirtings and clique-wars, chatted with my juniors, and many more memories I would add to my collection of camp experiences.
3 years! I've been in a camp for 3 consecutive years. And each one brings unique lessons and fun times.
And I know from experience that I would probably feel quite down after the camp. Which is very true. I spent a lot of time preparing for the camp, including sleeping beside my computer, being at Pei Chun from 7.30am~8.00pm, laughed and vexed over the tight schedule we are working with.
And now, while we need a break, I'm longing for more work to do. It feels quite weird just wanting to type out the schedule for fun while I've nearly cried over it 3 weeks ago.
And after this, after today, I'm going back to my normal routine. I don't know if I can cope.
In the camp booklet, I've wrote many reflections. I think I should include one more: Treasure the time you have with people you like.
And after that, look forward to the next time you see them.
I think I should organize another camp. Facils only camp. That would be fun.
Maybe I should. Convince me on MSN. I would try.
And thanks for everything, facils. You people light up my life.
I was just having my fortune read by an online tarot card reader. I'll quote.
"Today, prepare for a tour of the World courtesy of the Wheel of Fortune! But watch out, Jiasheng – you might get so caught up in all this merry activity that you lose track of things. Don’t accept invitations for two events at the same time on the same evening, for instance. If you try to go in too many directions at once, you won’t get anywhere. At work, changes of scenery and/or travel are favored. The Wheel of Fortune is breathing new energy into your everyday life, increasing your freedom of action and your independence, and your self-confidence is at an all-time high. Now's the time to organize some outside meetings, to meet with clients or partners and discuss the way forward - and get things moving!"
Get things moving! If I stay in a stagnant pond I'll drown. So I'll breathe easy and start swimming.
And prepare for a new high point.
In Wenxi's words:
Go me.
signed, jiasheng
Busy day.
In case any of you were asking why I wasn't here this band practice (and the rest of the week too), and I happened to be in a joky mood when I answered, here's the real answer:
I will be spending this week at camp. Thus, I wouldn't be attending band practices.
Which, by the way, is horrendous enough already so pray don't lecture me.
I'm rushing off for camp again now, so this short post will briefing describe how I spent my night beside the computer with my pillow.
Yeah, I did that. Anyway, I really gotta run now, so I'll complete this if I have the time.
Postscripts: Good luck to Liu Zhen on his camp. Catch that mace! xD
Sorry for being so retarded on MSN (that's for certain people I joked with)
Eek. My whole day in school again.
signed, jiasheng
Like all other miracles, big or small, it happened in a time of need.
When I first opened my eyes this morning, I could see sunlight filtering through the window, as though trying to fill my heart with the same warm, cheery, golden substance. I lay in bed, trying to fathom the meaning of my Sunday - another day to trudge through, with booklets to plan and briefings to prepare. It was going to be a tough day alright. As though trying to enjoy the morning's hush, I wilfully stayed there, unable to tell myself to get up and start work.
The more I tried to let reason take over, I just couldn't depend on my will to rise. My gaze shifted from the ceiling to the desk. And to the tabletop, where my mobile phone was still slumbering. However, in a minute, it buzzed into life, a vibration that sent tremors down the wooden table. A symbol on the display showed a new message.
I stared at the phone, as though it was a stranger. Then my mind began to work and the gears began to turn, creaking annoyingly.
"Not another task to complete!" I complained inwardly.
Thousands of stuff started to clog my mind like debris in a drain. My line of thoughts jumbled and sloshed around the rubbish, being the blocked stream.
Thinking about the busy day ahead, I adamantly decided to ignore the message. Childishly, I thought that the later I could see the message, the later I would have to think about it.
Yet my hands lingered over the phone, afraid to open the cover and frightened of what it would deliver.
Outside the window, an early sparrow chirped noisily, its eyes looking at me with a primitive curiosity. I waved at it, but it wouldn't budge. I made a face at it, but still it persisted in its quest, watching me intently with its beady eyes.
Its bravery awed me. Could it be a sign?
With one quick movement, I snatched up the phone. The sparrow seemed to smile snugly, and with one last tarrying look, flapped its wings into the heavens.
There was only three words on the message, but after reading it, I jumped straight out of bed and smiled. The world looked so much brighter now. I remember my post a few days ago.
"I think it feels good to have someone message me in the morning just to check on me. Which is like, precisely what I do when someone's feeling down.
Even a 'Morn'...' will do."
I stretched and yes, I was ready to go. I looked back at the message:
"Morn jia sheng"
It seemed to remind me of the sparrow's smile.
signed, jiasheng
I just realised something. This world needs another Jiasheng.
Although there will be twice the mischief, twice the enemy count, twice the nonsensical crap, at least both of us wouldn't be lonely.
When there's time, we'll plan a blueprint to booby-trap the Principal's office. And when the Principal falls into the tar and get stuck there, we'll laugh beneath the window sill. Or else, we'll lean beside each other and smile.
As you can probably see, I have no life. I'm reduced to this pimply teen who types out all his immature angst on a blog that no one reads while eating 'Super' Cup Noodles
(Chicken Flavour).
Which, by the way, tastes quite disgusting.
This few days, I've been deceiving myself that I could contend myself by watching my friends stay happy. When they are joyous and celebrating others' company, I shall shrink back into the shadows. When they need me to counsel them, I'll bother them till their mood improve.
Oh how noble.
It could work in theory. Why, I just need to care for others and not let others do the same for me.
Yes, it would work for some mature saint who has gone through a lot in life. Not a normal human being deserving of reciprocated respect, caring and friendship.
I'm not prepared to be St. Jiasheng yet.
I was being the usual depressed person yesterday, seeing that there's no one on MSN I could talk to that would make me feel better. So I took a cold shower and went to bed.
And woke up at 5 today. It's 5.45 now, by the way.
This morning, when I woke up, I realised that I was judging people unfairly. For one, I shouldn't say no one could make me feel better. Of course, talking to another Jiasheng would probably greatly improve my mood. But my other friends should suffice too. None of them are as good as me making someone's mood improve, but they can try. When those people in low spirits tell me that I should leave them alone, or ask me why I'm trying to cheer them up (which to them,seems like an impossible task), I reply that I'm trying my best to make those people around me smile.
Maybe not really smiling. But to feel good overall.
So who's to help me when I'm feeling down? I know Sylvia is out. She's a terrible comforter. Yet I must commend her for her efforts every time. Thanks!
Jie Xuan was feeling 'Pissed'(It was on his MSN) yesterday, so I didn't look for him, let alone go ask him what's the matter. Anyway, he would just mutter some crap and poke fun at me. Which might cheer me up. But I wasn't going to take any chances.
Jie Han would approach this in an analytical way, I expect. He might go into this debate on whether pessimistic people should be killed or something like that.
I realise once I post this post, a lot of people would be offended.
But you know what I mean. I'm half-joking all the time.
I think it feels good to have someone message me in the morning just to check on me. Which is like, precisely what I do when someone's feeling down.
Even a 'Morn'...' will do.
Oh yes, by the way, go read Huiyao's blog. I find it extremely entertaining. Link's in the links section.
signed, jiasheng
Okay, yesterday when I got home from band practice my brother was hogging the computer, therefore, I fell asleep (partly because I was tired from practising 5 solos) and woke up only today. And I've band practice in 1 and a half hour's time.
I noticed that I've done stupid things, again. Obviously, I was harbouring the false hope that Zhenyang might actually read in between the lines and realise that I've been trying to tell him:
IF YOU DON'T SPEAK OUT MORE, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO KILL YOU.
or something like that.
In any case, I'm going to left him to take the initiative. I've even cancelled out his blog link, so that I wouldn't check his blog anymore. By the way, I was pending his asterisks until he took up the courage to speak out. He would have five I think.
I also realised an important thing yesterday. I realised that there's no need to keep staring at my phone for messages just because someone told you he would be lonely and needs company (via the phone) while trying to play 'Second Suite in F' as if that particular person needs you, he would get you. If he doesn't, it would probably mean he's happy and contended for now and I would probably be happy for him. And that would mean less soul-searching and less picking of words.
Therefore, this mentality would save me from a lot of unnecessary grief and trouble (when Mr. Lim keeps a close eye on handphones during band practices)
So, 2 wishes here:
1)You know who you are. Talk to me or die. xD
2)No more messages unless necessary.
signed, jiasheng
