Alright. Here's the deal.

There's this person, S. Really weird guy, lemme tellya. Okay, so this guy S, he used to have this very close friend, Q. Talks about all kinds of stuff, them. Then there's also this guy, X, who happens to be even closer friends with Q. Not that S is jealous or anything, but all of them S, Q and X (along with a random person whom we shall call H) are working on this project, and Q and X are always discussing things by themselves, which makes S quite uncomfortable. Also, their project mentor, whom we shall call M, is totally in non-talking terms with S now, because of some certain reason which both of them don't quite agree on.

So S thinks, why am I even in this project?

Why? Q and X and handle it well. Why do they need S then? Maybe having a useless member on the team (whom the mentor hates) will just bring the project down.

So S thinks. Why don't I quit?

I'm sorry to Huiyao, Teezhuo and whoever who was concerned today. I was downright rude and tactless today. I'm really sorry.

I try to put up a smile, but every time the person walks away the smile fades off into a weary sigh.

Homework. I don't want to do it. Though it's literature. I'm too lazy to wax lyrical anymore. Can't think of enough fluid sentence structures, so I shall leave it alone. 

And I certainly do not want to do the chinese reflections thingy. 

I'm still pretty much confused about these few days. Too much things have happened. I try to think back the week, but I just can't remember what had happened. The exchange we had - it was this week? It seemed very long ago.

I'm always thinking about one thing or another. And now I'm thinking: what do people expect of me? Because these days, the words responsibilities and duty come into mind.

Who is the Jiasheng that people expect?

Should I even conform to what people want me to do? Or just do what I feel is right?

What is right any more? Maybe what I think is "right" was grossly wrong after all.

***
Okay since people keep saying I'm always secretive, I'll shall reveal my recent woes in the forms of quotes and random soundbites.

***
From The Kite Runner:

There is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft....When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness.

***
From The Crucible, pg. 51:

Elizabeth: Then why do you anger with me when I bid you break it?

Proctor: Because it speaks deceit, and I am honest! But I'll plead no more! I see now your spirit twists around the single error of my life, and I will never tear it free!

***
The blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. 

Dinah Craik, in A Life for a Life (1859)

***

The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution.
 
Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, written by J. K. Rowling
***

Happy guessing.

333rd post! And yay 8000 plus hits. Not that I care a lot xP 

Okay actually I'm really tired. Watched Dark Knight with Huiyao, Zhengyu and Teezhuo yesterday. Was at JBF the whole day today. 

Somehow every time after some certain event my hits shoot up. (Eg. band camp, term starts)

I really dunno what to type actually. These few days have been fleeting. Tests. Screwed up tests. Overdue homework. And a lot of bitchy bickering. 

Congrats to people who have won something, like erm band competitions.

I mean.. hope the other concert went well today.  

I hope the sec1s had fun today. You people pwnz!

Okay I don't really say that in real life.

Okay I'm saying too many okays.

Shall come up with random facts.

Like, I love First Love, which Huiyao sent me. Very cool sax solo.

I really want to have a fun concert!

Where you know, the MCs tell really cool jokes, and we all dance, with really good music.

Oh yeah. I'm sorry if you felt offended last night. It wasn't what I meant. But I know I'm at fault. 

So yeah. Shakes hand and make peace.

This post is so fragmented.

Backdoor stages, rushing staff
Slides beside you in a liquid rush
The hall mutters, the lights come on
Splashing on the clarinets and horns
A performance in due, the skipping beat
Curious mix of icy heat.

Confidence,
slips in, twisting and turns.

The curtains go down
But the song was still in the head
Clutching pieces of sound
Willing it not to fade.

Watching from the floor, not making a sound,
I just hope you've enjoyed yourself.

Isn't it kind of difficult when there are things you always want to mention on your blog, but you can't? I know it may be hard to believe me now, since I'm always posting crazy things, but I do practise a lot of censorship. For the sake of many things.

So yes, I originally wanted to start this post with "WHY THE HELL ARE SO MANY PEOPLE MAKING THEIR BLOG PRIVATE." But I guess I understand. I'm a horrible and hypocritical person, so I'm constantly having something mean and critical to say about others. I used to be about to do that all the time on my blog (which includes a lot of seniors, whom I still hate now x)) but I can't do that now.

I like to think of my blog as my official jiasheng fanclub website. Y'know, JSFC. So you can get my official thoughts. But my private ones would be between myself and I.

So don't blame me for not sharing okay! File-sharing is wrong! Besides, if I tell you all my secrets, you'll probably EXPLODE.

p.s. please add me @ jiasheng.hwachong@gmail.com! on MSN. I'm too lazy to add everyone. I still use the waxball account, but as soon as the people I talk to add me, I'm switching over.

p.s.s. I'm not using bold on my blog anymore, because it comes up all whited up and funny.

p.s.s.s. I'm really joking about the JSFC, please don't mention it to me anymore.

      jiasheng coruscation    //<3 thai says (9:01 PM):
what's with the "hopefully i'll still be sc"

- <3 Ħćißáńđ™               hüïÿäõ              says (9:01 PM):
talking to edwin. abt sacrifices

      jiasheng coruscation    //<3 thai says (9:02 PM):
uh huh

- <3 Ħćißáńđ™               hüïÿäõ              says (9:03 PM):
like how i dun mind getting 6.0 msg while the band gets gwh and how that will get me sacked

- <3 Ħćißáńđ™               hüïÿäõ              says (9:04 PM):
and how i dun mind not being in exco when the band gets gwh

      jiasheng coruscation    //<3 thai says (9:04 PM):
that's so appealing. but it's crap. please don't do this to yourself. because i can't find a better sc than you, and we need you around

- <3 Ħćißáńđ™               hüïÿäõ              says (9:04 PM):
i mean, if god appeared and asked me to make a wish and he stated some terms and conditions, i'll just say either one

- <3 Ħćißáńđ™               hüïÿäõ              says (9:05 PM):
or maybe after syf when we get gwh, my results suddenly become normal. then maybe i'll get my job back

- <3 Ħćißáńđ™               hüïÿäõ              says (9:06 PM):
anw, its just sacrifices. its not whether the band needs me or not.
it's whether im willing to give up some of my pride and joy for greater joy. for the good of the band.
anw, sounds so cliche

We have a very special SC.

People, let's just stop talking about the post thing.

Yah, forgive and forget. It was a moment of folly, just let it be. Personally I thought the band blog post was unnecessary (in the middle of a debate with Qifan right now). I agree with Qifan on his intentions, but it's such an obvious prod. So everyone please let the dust settle. Know enough to not do it again, but don't take it for further despisation.

We shouldn't bully Gideon anymore than we already have.

Please give me some time. I'll get it sorted out and come back to eat monsters for breakfast.

It's around 4 in the morning now. I spent the last 2 hours baking TOXIC cookies.

I say toxic because they're loaded with sugar and chocolate chips, and they don't seem edible.

I've locked them up somewhere in my house. If any ants eat them they would be hooked to a minature dialysis machine.

Sigh. Even baking doesn't seem to help anymore.

Strangely that once you take on a seemingly pessimistic view on life, your life improves.

I've decided. It's so hard to expect things from other people. Why do so then? 

Why do we expect friends to know us inside out, and them to lift us up when we're down, warm us when it's cold, and for them to be telepathic?

Why do we expect everyone to make our lives better, because we deserve such treatment, or because we're simply us?

To be realistic, everything boils down to this: it was never about you. Or me. We live in such convenient lies, that everyone owes us a living, and we expect to feel wonderful every day. 

It's not true.

I've almost forgotten it's a constant struggle. It's easy to forget amidst easy company. We laugh, and the lead-lined troubles are gone.

Why did I let myself forget?

You can hope that your friends will help, or ask about you, or make you feel better. We're all priviledged to hope. But pray you, good people, don't ever, ever expect concrete things. Because whatever illusions you construct can never be too stable for actualization.

I shan't be needy. It pains me, but I won't expect anymore.

Phrase I Invented Today: Temporary Attachment Amnesia

Definition: Y'know how every time you send an email with an attachment, you always forget the attachment? Which is pretty embarrassing, like for example you don't really like the person you're sending the email to, so you write a super clipped and impersonal email:

Dear [whoever],

Attached is the document you have been urgently requesting. Kindly peruse it.

Yours faithfully,

[your name]

Aaaaaaand. You forget the attachment. I mean if it's a friend I'll just send it with the attachment, then add a "paiseh... forgot to attach". But for nasty people which you don't like it's potentially embarrassing. I might just attach it in another email without saying anything, and blame it on my email server later.

***

On a happier technological note, I've discovered the Messenger Plus! It's almost like being converted, except that now God is MSN, and He Had Made Me See Colours.

I know, I'm super outdated, but my old version of MSN just shows me super big chunks of codes instead of the font stylistics and colours. But Zhengyu has shown me the holy link and I'm not longer blind!

It's crazily addictive.

***

Somehow I am contented today.

I went to make my ATM card, so I could finally withdrawn money to pay those kind folks who helped me in my time in need.

Then I went to cut my hair. And replenished my contact lens stock.

Borrowed two books from the library. Reached home, read till I fell asleep.

I'll love to attribute it to the lack of homework, but I guess this is how I like my life.

No tiring confrontations, no smses to look forward to. Just going by my own way, so I don't have to care about other people. I don't like to do what I'm told, I realized.

Maybe if you'll just let me walk my way, it'll be much easier for both of us.

I'll pretend to apologize, then actually stay subtly bitter, but I'll still laugh over it, and then one day I'll meet someone who wants to help me out of my 'problems', and the whole cycle repeats.

Don't we all love routine.