blog/enigma

Monday, October 30, 2006

2:52 AM

I guess my plans didn't work too well.
Firstly, this is not going to be a funny post with more satire, lame jokes and whatever things that make you want to laugh and groan at the same time.
I just saw something quite profound to my immature mind. And I hope that I know who he's referring to, for if it's not what I think, then it would really be embarrassing.

What is "moving on"? Does it mean that that person no longer matters so much to you? My advice to 2 fellows, who i think treat "moving on" very importantly, that it simply means finding out new stuff and exploring more about life, but keeping what's precious. So if he's really so precious to you right, there's no need to try to get used to life without him. Instead, take him along in your new life yup. There's no need to question about limits and all that stuff, because when it goes to emo things like relationships, it doesn't really have any boundaries, except the ones that you set in your head.

Of course, I've seen these words quite a long time ago, and I've included them inside my mind for further thought. And I'm not putting this up so I can further spite someone and remind him of someone else.
By "moving on", I think that in my terms, it can certainly mean a lot of things. For example, it could mean leaving a place or situation which triggers unhappy memories. The person still matters - just that your consciousness reminds you that you are better off without him and you should probably just leave the person to lessen the pain. It sounds stupid, as you will soon find out that it's more excruciating to try to carry on your life without thinking about him.
I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. I've always held the thought that the best way to hate a person is to ignore his presence and be ignorant of his actions. To deprive them of any attention is often more cruel than downright hatred. It should work on most people. But what happens when it hurts yourself more than the person ignored? Should you continue this silly game of feigning puzzled looks whenever someone calls his name? Should you continue to prolong your sufferring, clutching the hope that one day, when the alarm clock rings, you would finally not wake up with tears in your eyes?
Yet sometimes there is nothing we can do. There are some things you can't bring along. Every day, things are different; opinions are changed, people are judged, friendships are forged and broken.
No one promised an easy life. There are things we can't hold on to nor let go. So, breathe easy and dance along with Life. Take care of the things you can take care of and forget about the rest. Be a dear to everyone you see and flash a smile. Speak your mind freely and you'll have an audience.
I'm pretty sure Sean wasn't referring to me now, but I still thank him for enlightening me on a lot of things.
And I hope to hear from someone soon. Please don't let me down.
Thanks.

signed, jiasheng

2:34 PM

I surprise myself. I'm back already, and that's even before most of you have read the previous blog entry.
Now I know the answers were there all along. Just that all the problems blocked out solutions.

***

LiuZhen,

It's difficult to just speak to you and I'm quite sure you would not get it on MSN. So I think it's best to just comment on you here. And since it's a comment, not an order, you can always choose not to take it. You might not even read this, but it does make me feel better if you did.
For one, I'm not annoyed or angry or saddened. You would need a great amount of effort to change my viewpoints or opinions. If I had ever made you feel bad, incompetent or plain irritated, I'm really sorry. Maybe there was a time when I lashed out at you without restrains on my words. You told me not to show my displeasure so freely, which probably shows much about you. I just want to say that I might have gone a little overboard and been too insensitive. But that's the real me (at that time anyway). So I can say that while some things I say are not pleasant to the ears, they are certainly true words straight from my mind, without any effort to hide insults, declare untruths and of course, no boot-licking.
You've done a great job so far. Do keep it up, and I wish to see a brilliant next year ahead, so don't let me down. Once again, countless apologies and a bunch of thanks.

***

Zhenyang,

I think the most important thing here is to be honest with me and not let me guess and keep referring to your blog or other sources. I might be a bad friend, but no effort is done to make me improve.

***

I know if I post this right now, someone would probably feel left out and unanswered. So, even if I can't mention your name (ironically, the person who can't bear to see your name would still know), you might be glad to know that I don't mean to mould you into this nasty character who's heartless and unfeeling. You are just a normal person who had been unfairly judged by someone who's so immature that he ought to be shot.

'Jiasheng

Postscript: I think after this series of posts, I should be able to revert back to my cheery, amusing posts.

signed, jiasheng

12:31 AM

I've just returned from the concert. No, don't ask me how was it, as to say the truth, I wasn't really paying attention. The music had no effect on my mind, and my ears sealed the entrance and refused to admit anyone.
Even after the concert, I was thinking hard. About a lot of things. About how I could convince Liu Zhen that I'm not against him. Or how to tell Zhenyang that I'm not trying to make his life miserable. And I'm not trying to make Sean look bad on my blog.
And even as I type, I have to think how the different people would react. Should I omit this, or add a nice word in? Why don't I write all about your personality and strengths?
I'm starting to feel tired of being such a nice person. Many people might scoff at that sentence. Nice person? Jiasheng was never nice. He was mean, insensitive and plain annoying.
I thought hard at that. As I strolled along the sidewalk between the school and the road, with the cars whizzing past my gaze, I pondered. I heard the low 'vroom' noise every time a vehicle zoomed past me. I saw the blinding headlights. I noticed every grain of sand on the pavement.
Yet I couldn't arrive at an answer.
I know that I'm trying my very best not to be too blunt with my words. I recall a time when everyone showed their emotions blatantly and no one had to be trapped in a vortex of hidden feelings, lies and deception.
I didn't have to guess if anyone was secretly furious, or being jealous at heart. I could depend on facial expressions. If there's a smile, happiness is sure to be present. If a frown is there, I would probably leave the person alone.
Now, I don't really know. The only way I would probably have a clue was reading someone's blog and guess from all the sarcasm and cryptic under-lying meanings.
I think I need a timeout. I don't think I can cope.
A recharge is all I need. I want a day without having to worry myself if I'm hurting anyone. Believe me, I do care if I am.
Just not now.
I'll try my best to be back soon, but if anyone cares at all, I would be isolated now till I find answers to a million questions buzzing around my head.

signed, jiasheng

11:23 AM

I've not posted for 4 consecutive days. I've decided to skip the couple of days, as if I tried to squeeze everything into one post, Blogger would probably sue for for taking so much of its bytes. Besides, I have forgotten a lot of juicy details that make my blog so interesting and enables me to use my humour to great effect.
By the way, I focus more on quality than quantity (though some of you readers might disagree).
I'm feeling quite guilty as those few days have been pretty eventful. However, if I'm going to miss a lot of details, I might as well skip them.
I shall skip to Friday, which was yesterday.
It was supposed to be a holiday for us, but there seemed to be some kind of mistake and therefore, Friday saw a band practice for us. I have several theories on this:

1)Mrs Chan forgot that Friday was supposed to be a holiday as she was busy deciding where the next mine was in Minesweeper.
2)Mr Lim decided that perhaps having a band practice on Friday was good luck (Maybe that's why he wore his lucky jeans again)
3)Neptune was at a 90 degree angle to Mercury and Venus was having a solar eclipse. This series of astrological events somehow created a kind of influential magnetic field that turned all the teachers into unfeeling robots that don't care about the welfare of the students (somehow, the same effect applies to Welfare Secretaries)and thus, there's a band practice.

And those who disbelieve me, you should have asked J.K. Rowling to confirm this fact. She ought to be grateful that I let her claim credit for the books I've written.
Alright, that's quite enough fibbing.
Anyway, this is the first time we used the new band room for practice. The band room is quite enormous to say the least (compared with the cramped place we used to share with crickets).
I just hope people don't go round kicking basketballs around or dunking soccer balls into baskets (Trust me, they do that sometimes) and hit one of the lights on the ceiling. I don't want to see such an article:
"Lights fell down on School Band, 80 dead, one sole survivor"
SINGAPORE Yesterday, a freak accident left almost an entire band dead. The lights hanging on the ceiling suddenly collapsed and the band, which was reported playing 'Beethoven's Fifth Symphony' by ear-witnesses, crushed the clarinetists on the first row, followed by the flautists and saxophonists on the second row. The students, ages ranging from 12~17, died instantly. On the third row, where the french hornists and euphonium players sit, the live wires electrocuted them to charred flesh. The last row might had been spared, but the brass instruments from the third row conducted the electricity and killed off the trombone and tuba players there. Somehow, the percussionist players panicked in the darkness and started hitting themselves with their mallets. The conductor, who was closing his eyes when he conducted, did not notice a thing but sadly, he stabbed himself with the baton accidentally and the wound proved to be fatal. In the end, everyone was dead, except for a single student who went to the toilet and is now traumatized by the incident. The juvenile court has decided to protect his identity, therefore, his name cannot be revealed. He is now genuinely shaken and resides in the Singapore Mental Institution, where he receives treatment. The last time a reporter saw him, he was muttering something about 'Skeer-zun-dough'.

So, those people who are keen on playing soccer or basketball in the new band room, bear in mind that anything could happen.
And if you are skeptical about the probability of this happening, I refer you to JRR Tolkien. Where was I? Oh, about band practice.
Anyway, the Euphonium section was pathetic that day. Only Weiqi and me turned up. Oh, it might fair to say that Kheexuan was there for the last half-hour. Anyway, Jinghao had been ignoring Weiqi's calls for 3 days, so we suspect it had something to do with his headaches and Japanese lessons again. (Which, for your information, is a euphemism for pon)
So Mr. Lim told us some ground rules and stuff like that at the beginning. Like the fact that he would lock the front doors and we would have to come up by the back door if we are late. Personally, I always thought that coming up by the back door was the fastest way. Besides, I doubt some idiot who comes to school at 6 o' clock every day would be late, unless he had to plan some sort of camp for a bunch of p5 twits and he had to learn some dance steps on Monday to teach them. Therefore, he've been trying to think of an excuse.
Of course, I'm guilty of having to skip band practice, as I really love it, but some things can't be helped. Currently, if any of the majors read this blog, now you would know the real reason. I would probably give you some lame excuse but I promised, I don't skip band practice because I don't feel like going. I know, we have a concert soon and the Euphonium section is really busy, but I have a lot of other personal commitments too. Please try to understand that I try my very best to make it for every practice.
Anyway, Mr. Lim seemed to be still affected by the astrological phenomenen and he dished out a new score called 'Cin Cin'. And Euphonium had a solo. Weiqi was downright adamant about playing the solo. So while the trombones and woodwinds played the harmony, the melody players (euphonium) were strangely silent. Mr. Lim didn't seem to care and he just went straight on. (He was probably pitying us) and subsequently, we had a lot of scores that had euphonium solos. It turns out that Mr. Lim had not given up the hope that Jiunn Lin might cancel his trip to make it for the concert.
I had to side-read a lot of pieces. However, Mr. Lim did 'Jericho' also, so I could play a little. However, he also scolded us a lot on this piece - there was this part where we were always coming in one beat early. The worse part is, there were only two of us, so if the dynamics were marked 'p', we probably have to play 'mf'.
Weiqi was not very pleased with Mr. Lim, as far as I can see.
And there were a lot of parts where Euphoniums were the main melody player. And we messed up, time and time again. I've resolved that I would practise hard enough to abolish those mistakes.
Which would probably take me a long time, but I would work as hard as I can. Which is pretty tedious when you have a barrage of activities waiting for you to complete.
WAIT.
I'm very sorry, I think I have to stop for a while. I've just read Zhenyang's blog and I think I've done something wrong, again.
It seems like I shouldn't have reminded him about Sean. As a friend, I would probably be quite apologetic and beg for forgiveness and cheered him up, but I've given my word that I would be completely honest on my blog. Therefore, I should say my part.

I'm sorry that I reminded you about Sean - I forgot that you aren't me; you don't speak about your emotions freely. I know you are trying to forget about Sean. But all I want to say is that I've tried that and it hadn't worked for me. I realised that it 's simply not fair that I have to work so hard while he would probably just laugh it off. Why should I care about his life so much? Just this practice, I was sitting right beside me and even though I was being unusually vocal, he didn't seemed to notice. Now, I just think of him like a normal person I would pass on the street. He does not matter to me, nor I matter to him. When he speaks, I would probably reply, seeing that he is a band member. I would reply to him like I would reply to someone I don't know well, probably someone like Nicholas.(I think our conversation exchanges in the entire year totals up to less than I can count on my fingers)
I know that people like Sean care more about the snails on the pavement than people like us. So why should I waste my energies?
That's all. I hope you can understand. And can you promise me to speak more freely to me? I hate to stab someone without even knowing how I did it.

Anyway, sorry readers. I just felt I had to say something. Anyway, the day went pretty well and I felt super-recharged after a long time of no band practices.
On the way out of school, I saw Mr. Lim and I was walking behind him, without making a noise. Eventually he found out and said, "Wah, you stalking me ah?" and we chatted a while. Then he asked me what bus goes to Potong Pasir. I didn't know, so he took a cab and waved bye. Anyway, if he's interested to find out, someone tell him that he can take 157 (from Nanyang side) and sit till Toa Payoh bus interchange and take 142 till Potong Pasir.

So I shall end, for this entry is not well-written and I can't think of anything to write about. I promise, more is to come.

Next Post's spoilers:
Liu Zhen
More about Zhenyang
Concert today

signed, jiasheng

2:33 AM

I've just been asked what Liu Zhen said to me that fateful night. Well, I don't want to ruin every body's good impression on him. Come to think of it, I actually pity him. I think everybody should take on a big-picture view and be more understanding. 'Everybody', which would include me.
I get the feeling that someone would be quite furious if he reads my post. As I've said, sometimes, when you get the anger rush and you don't have any more vases to break or can't bear to lash out at someone, the best place to dump all your emotions would be a blog. A rather crude and impolite (both to readers and the subject being insulted) but a convenient enough effort to stop you from screaming out loud.
So, my posts come with a large barrel of salt so you don't have to take them too seriously. As you can see on the tagboard, it's pretty much tongue-in-cheek.
And Liu Zhen's quite pitiful. You see, he's trying to sacrifice his popularity for the adaptation of a more serious and disciplined character. Which is, to say the least, a conflict between his own character. I briefly remember telling him that night that the 'cheery, chirpy guy was missing'.
My advice to him? Never to lose yourself in any event. If you appear fickle, no one would trust you in leading them. And I'm certain many people had already changed their opinion on you. Just be yourself and retain your individualistic charisma and you will get more people to listen and place their confidence in you.
And I'm sorry for being mean and uncooperative. It have been hard for you to switch to a leader mode, trying to adopt to something you have little experience in. To say the truth, you need a lot of hard work to be a good leader. By the way, being hostile and irritable does not put you in high regard of other people.
So be careful with your words. And don't try to be autocratic.
Actually, that can be considered as an answer. What he said that night was just blunt words and words that seems like threats to me.
It's past history though. Therefore, I shall not remember and from this point onwards, be nicer to him (I've been ignoring him for quite a while now. I doubt he notices anyway).
Then Sean told me on MSN that he read my blog. Let me look for the conversation...
I don't think he took it seriously though.

Sean: lol. I just read your blog. I feel obliged to tell you I treat you like any other junior, that's all.
Jiasheng:I'm surprised you did. And that's all I'm going to say? xD
Sean: ok..

I find a lot of faults in this 3 exchanges.
Any other junior. I'm laughing hysterically already. I didn't tell him, 'Any other junior? So I assume Edwin and Lionel are Sec 4s?'
Get real. More often than not, you see me staring forlornly at him hanging out with them/ Beating the pulp out of them/ Laughing with them...
This is getting kind of sick even for me to bear. Sean just had to feedback to me that he read the post, yes, he needed to make a false claim. I've already decided to forget him and let him graduate to JC in peace. What's the problem? Well, I assumed that sticking around him was getting very unhealthy for my social life. In any case, I can't help but feel heavy-hearted.
The problem with Sean is that he doesn't understand the complex mind works of people he doesn't know well. It would seem to that he is mentally retarded in this aspect. Even as he reads my entries, I doubt he understands what is happening around here.
By the way, I have the answer to his question now. He asked me why I'm not going to the Farewell Lunch. My answer is quite similar to Zhenyang:
I have nothing to do there. I am an outcast, for no one would miss me if I'm gone. I might slip in and out of the event and Mrs. Chan would still be talking about her polo tees and if I hadn't come, maybe Khee Xuan and Kun Won might have turned up. Bet they couldn't bear to see me there. I might actually ruin the lunch.
I didn't want to come, for I don't fit in there. I don't belong like they do.
So does it answer your questions? Sean Chia.

***

I have seen people who are instantly popular as they have their own spotlights in life. They are the ones who seem to bright up even the darkest rooms, filling the place with such charm and wit that every body just knows that they are important people. They talk well, and have excellent interpersonal skills. They are full of confidence and have a circle of friends who revolves around them.
And then there will be a time when Fate decides to play a cruel joke and introduce an outcast, unpopular kid to one of these popular person.
As usual, the popular kid would treat the unpopular kid like a good friend. Then the unpopular kid suddenly gets a rush of excitement: he has never been treated so important and nicely before. Not before long, he would open up to him and expects some sort of requited friendship.
However, the popular kid is too used to this kind of short-lasting friendships. He would just think that it's just another face in the crowd; it doesn't matter if he doesn't see him again.
And this is when the unpopular kid hurts. He takes it seriously, but the other doesn't.
You get it Sean? This is an insight to my life, as well as many others. You have been given the gift to bring joy to others, but at the same time, you don't think how your presence would affect them.
I've been wanting to say this for a long time.
And now, I really want you to read just this section. Thanks.

***

On a more reality note, I have other things to worry about. For example, the fact that Mrs. Chan had not answered my query on CIP hours, and I have to go see TeoCM tomorrow. I should be panicking, but strangely I'm not. Which, I have no idea is a good thing or otherwise.
At most, she would tie me up at her cubicle and dip me in boiling oil. Or threaten to pluck out my eyebrows one by one.
I think you would see what happens tomorrow. If I happen to decapitated, handicapped, limbs chopped off, comatosed or any morbid misfortune, I promised to blog about it. Even if it means I have to type using a pencil in my mouth or return as a ghost.
Speaking of ghosts, I have this dream to die one day and become a ghost and haunt many people. Not haunt them in the horror genre, no scary empty eye sockets or whatsoever. But gently remind them it's me, I'm moving on, please remember me.
It has a feel-good feeling to it.
I even imagined myself like the scene in 'Matilda'. I would grab some chalk and to the absolute horror of my teachers, write, "YOU STUPID FOOL HOW DARE YOU GIVE ME only A DAY TO RESEARCH ON THE PROJECT?!" in my usual cursive handwriting so they would know it's me.
I read a poem once and I liked it so much that I've memorized it.

DO NOT STAND AT MY GRAVE AND WEEP

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sun on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake up to the morning's hush,
I am the swift up-lifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight;
I am soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

It is one of the poems that touches the subject on death, yet touches my heart. When you die, you don't cease to exist, as long as someone remembers you. When you live in someone's heart, your existence is forever. You are present in every breeze, every leaf, in every moment.

***

It's 0337 now. I'm having 'Breakaway' playing repeatedly. Dad just bought crabs and they are now in a styroform box, trying to get out, making scratchy sounds with their pincers.
Poor things. They are going to die soon.
Or have they already died?
And no one would remember them. And I'm going to eat them, most likely tomorrow.
I would pray for those crabs.

'Jiasheng

signed, jiasheng

2:42 PM

I've just realised a lot of things.
1)I've been a lousy good friend.
I just read through Sylvia's blog (the entire thing). I've not read it for a long time and she's almost as verbose as me. As I read through those times when she was feeling quite down and I didn't look for her for comforting, I was giving myself an internal beration.
I'm such a pathetic friend! A friend would know when and how to make a friend feel bettter. And I failed. That's utterly disgusting. I feel like flinging myself off the parapet of the building and splat into the concrete and rot there.
Forgive me for not being there for you, Sylvia.
2)So much for a reader-oriented blog.
I realised that I'm posting now on average 3000 words a day (multiple posts) so there shouldn't be a soul on this earth that would be so interested in me that he/she/it would read every word.
So I'm actually typing it all out for myself. That's no worry though. I simply love putting my thoughts down and feeling the plastic tabs beneath my fingers.
So I should make my posts relatively shorter?
It would depend actually. For example, you have different types of posts:

-The Summary-Of-The-Day Post
This is the extremely long (and sometimes boring) post that tells you all about the day the blogger had. More often than not, you don't want to know what he had for recess, what he failed or which finger he broke while digging his nose. You would know all the mundane things of his life. And most of the time, you don't know what he is talking about. Example

-The Inspiration Post
This is the post when the blogger posts when he feels like it and reflect on a certain subject. It often offers some insight into the subject and show a lot about the blogger's character. Example

-The Update Post
This is the post that updates what happened during the week/month/year. It is simply a longer, but more simplified version of the Summary-Of-The-Day. So no examples xD.

-The Selective Post
The blogger would select something(s) that happens to them and post it. Most likely you would get the most exciting part of his life, like the day he went to the moon or a visit to the cow farm (which is essentially the same thing). Also, most of the gossips stems from here.

I can't think of anymore types, I would update the list soon.

Anyway, I also realised:
3)I mentioned something about the fridge getting replaced. Yeah, it got replaced on Monday. And my mother gave the old one to our neighbour. So much for double the chocolate...

Anyway, this is just an update post. So can't blame me for being short on it. (In fact, I think you would thank me.)

'Jiasheng

signed, jiasheng

12:46 PM

I just read through some of my posts and found that certain people in the entries had been given a shelling from me (although I doubt they would notice anyway) and not everything is true. Well, I try to make my entries stick to the truth as close as possible, but sometimes it's quite difficult when you return with a fresh insult to you in your mind and you need to find somewhere to relieve the emotional turmoil. One of the bad things I loathe about blogging is that I feel quite emotional empty after I put down all my thoughts. However, in the case of a real paroxysm of feelings, you just need a platform to spit it out... a sort of catharsis.
Like the instance when I always curse Nicholas to have some sort of morbid misfortune when we had outdoor practice earlier in the year. You would if you had to hold the heaviest instrument around with one hand (Tubists use two hands, as I've observed). In any case, I don't really hate him. Just like a recent conversation with Zhenyang, we concluded that Zheng Yu doesn't really hate Jie Han - not really, anyway. He just says so.
Same for a lot of people. Like me.
Like I don't really loathe Liu Zhen. It's his behaviour that night that led me into this impression of him. Maybe he just had a rough night. Of course, it is no excuse and more often than not, people take note of your negative behaviour and this behaviour sticks to their mindframe. One little slip, and you stay in the mud. (Funny, I'm listening to 'One Little Slip' now.)

Artist: Barenaked Ladies Lyrics
Song: One Little Slip Lyrics
It was a recipe for disaster
A four course meal of no sorry
It seemed that happily ever after
Was happy everyone was after me
It was a cup of good intentions
A table spoon of one big mess
A dash of over reaction
I assume you know the rest

(Chorus)
One little slip, One little slip
It was a fusion of confusion
With a few confounding things

I guess I probably took the wrong direction
Well I admit I might have missed a sign or two
I ran a light past your effection
And humiliation never knew
Took a right turn at confusion
A left when I shoulda gone straight on through
I ran ahead with my assumptions
We all know what that can do

(Chorus)

I get the felling in this town
I'll never live till I live down the one mistake that seems to follow me around
But they'll forget about the sky
When they all realize the sky is trying to fly on its ground

It was a cup of good intentions
A tablespoon of one big mess
A dash of over reaction
I assume you know the rest

One little slip, One little slip
It was a humble little stumble
With a big un-graceful...

(Chorus)
I think it really relates to the thing I'm talking about here.

Come to think of it, I've been over-reacting. And I've put Liu Zhen at the bottom of my Christmas list just because of his insensitivity and incredible lack of consideration that night. And I've been ignoring a lot of people just because of what they did. I liken actions to a piece of flexible reflection metal sheet - it is a reflection of what the person is, yet it has its distortions when a night of irritations or anger folds it a little.
I haven't really been fair.
Maybe I've not be long around enough. Recently, I've been coming to school later than usual and when Huiyao asks me why, I say, "Why? There's no point coming so early,"
And that was a reference to my previous posts when I came to the band room early because I used to love the band. It's kind of sad, isn't it?
And when the school bells stops all lessons, and the children race madly to the school gates, I walk pass the slope the band room is facing, and I linger. Should I go in, or should I not? I knew quite well that I don't belong to their world of 'Worms' or basketball. I don't relate to them as well as one of their kind would.
You would see me suddenly very interested in a dustball than joining them in their games.
It's not like I've not tried. Trust me, I did.
"Wanted to belong here, but something felt so wrong here;"
It really seems the world wants me to break away.

***

And I remembered what Zhenyang told me yesterday. He was asking me some question and said, "I've asked a lot of people and your answer is very similar to one of them,"
I said, "I'm suddenly feeling quite scared,"
And I did. As I already knew who.
After that, I asked myself, "What are you so afraid about?"
Knowing how certain people think like me might be a good factor of that fear.
I'm also afraid if I would grow up to become another Sean Chia. Oh, that's the person Zhenyang was referring to anyway.
I don't want to be another low EQ sec 4 who doesn't grab hold of the situation. I want to grow up of this insecurity and not carry it forward into my older years. I want to be sure of everything and able to cope with anything. I don't want to lose my empathic abilities.
I like to be individualistic and special.
In other words, I want to be myself. Not some imitation of another person. That might explain my disdain of idols and such.

***

I harbour this secret ambition to go buy a island somewhere in the Pacific Region, where I'll build a mansion on top of a cliff, facing the ocean. Every morning, when I wake to the sea breeze, I would walk along the sandy beach, feeling the gritty feel of the sand on my feet. I would smell the fresh salty perfume of the sea. And I would race across the fields of grass, and when I stumble, the roses would break my fall and I would nap in the beautiful flowers all around me, enjoying even the prick of their thorns. When night comes, I would lie and watch the stars slowly rise into the heavens, twinkling at me, as if beckoning to join me in their place. No, I would proudly refuse, contended at this paradise without anyone else, just the winds wuthering over my face.

'Jiasheng

signed, jiasheng

11:29 PM

Well, I think I should refrain from giving shallow answers on the tagboard. I shall give DIGNIFIED and PROPER answers.
>>SYLVIA
I'm asking my GREAT friend Zhenyang to help me design one. So you would see a more... 'Jiashengy' skin soon? Well, you shall see... Speaking of skins, I had no idea Hui En skinned blogs! and she seemed pretty good at it too; go to Blogskins to search for her.
>>Jie Xuan
Actually, it depends on my mood and amount of things to write and my overall typing speed. Usually 1000+ word blog entry would take 1 hour at least. Nontheless, there is a formula for calculating my blogging speed:

(I * M) / (T1 + T2)

Where I = Inspiration for entry(scale of 0 to 1000); M = Mood(from negative to positive in increasing intergers 0-1000); T1 = Type of Music currently listening to(Fast Tempo, add up to 1000); T2 = Type of font I use(Smaller the font, more the point, up to 1000)

For example, for a relatively slacked day and I'm not really enthusiastic, it would be

(I * M) / (T1 + T2)
= (200*150) / (500 + 700)
= 25
= 25mins
Fine that's crap,
>>>WEIQI
Alright, the entries are just very verbose. I reward anyone besides me to read through the entire thing.
xD Bye

signed, jiasheng

7:41 PM

Well. Very long day today. Allow me to drone your brain to eternal slumber.
I woke up and was faced with THREE major crisises. That's quite normal for a Monday. It feels like the enforcers of Monday Blues have returned - those shadowy creatures who are birthed from the anxiety you get when you realise you have 23 pages of Geography work not completed on a Sunday night. In any case, the only good thing that comes out of them are that they vaporise at the break of Tuesday's dawn, leaving rest of the week blissfully happy.
Now enough of my brand of twisted logic.
The first crisis was BAND PRACTICE. It turns out that we have it on today and I forgot about it. You might be thinking what's so bad about that - well, here comes the second issue:
I have an anime screening in MOELC. I don't want to skip it as I've already skipped a lot of Japanese enrichment lessons. Sensei would give me that reproachful look. Which by the way, rips my conscience apart with guilt. THIRD - Singapore Dreaming.
Oh. I just realised there's a fourth crisis. The most terrible of all. I shall touch on that later. AHHHH This is killing me. There's FIFTH CRISIS. Imagine, FIVE troubles in a day. Those enforcers are really too much. There's a camp meeting at 3.00.
When I got to school this morning, the first crisis resolved itself quite conveniently - someone told me band practice today is CANCELLED. Brilliant news. Not that I dislike band practice, but I'm really going through a a rough patch today and I really need a break from all the stuff I've gone through. Which would be mentioned later, I guess. By the way, since there's no flag-raising because of the rain. Therefore, I spent the entire time incorporating the band practice schedule into my phone. Thus, if you access the 'Calender' section, you would see the blue little tabs filling nearly every day of my holidays, bearing evidence of the immense cruelty and mercilessness streak possessed in some of the teachers in the event of a gruesome race to outwin all other CCAs.
Alas, the downfall of education! And I'm pretty sure the Minister of Education is watching some drama soaps now as I type, with his fluffy pink slippers and a bowl of chips in hand.
Anyway, I've given up hope that somehow Hagrid might turn up at my door and say, 'You are special; you are a wizard, Jiasheng. ' Then I can go steal some Time-Turners from the Ministry of Magic's Department of Mysteries. Thus being able to complete so many things I've lagged behind.
Sigh. I had to skip the anime screening. Oh wells. I really do like Japanese.
In any case, the Singapore Dreaming thing wasn't really that bad. In fact, I would give it 4 stars... out of 5. It's about this family who won 2 million and their life suffered a lot. It reminds me of a couple in America who won I think 50 odd million but they weren't happy. The man died of alcohol overdose and the woman killed herself, just 2 years after they has cashed in the first cheque.
I mean, they would be better off without winning 2 million in lottery. Zhenyang and I agreed on a lot of things about the movie, and he even stayed with me with my weird habit of watching a movie till the credits end. The boys there weren't impressed by the movie by the way. It's not suited for their age. However, this 'educational' movie would never sell as movie-goers go to theaters for blockbusters like Mission Impossible and Matrix Revolution - not Singapore Dreaming. It has a philosophical view on the values, but only if you are empathic enough to pick it up. In any case, I would recommend it to you if only your maturity level surpasses that of a typical Sec 3.
Well. Enough of that. Anyway the movie was at Vivo City and we got to shop before and after the movie. So me and Zhenyang was shopping and I really enjoy the comtemporary design and fantastic shops. Someday I shall go there armed with money and go on a mad frenzy shopping spree. And Zhenyang took a lot of pictures of me, although he refuses to take any without my insistment. Seriously, he's just camera-shy - and he really looks nice! He ought to have more confidence... look, I have this disgustingly monstrous pimple that stands out starkly on the middle of my nose. I don't worry myself on such minute things. Things like good friends are more important. Therefore, Zhenyang, be more open. And thanks for being such a great friend for tagging around with me... And we had the chance to play on the playground... even though there's this guy in a purple sweater chided us, 'Hwa Chong students still play in playgrounds ah,' (anyway, the playground's real cool. I'll get some pictures to show you. Definitely not the usual slide and see-saw) and I muttered under my breath, ' What a wanton thwarter trying to rob us of the experience of reliving our childhood...'
I don't think he heard it, but I don't care.
Anyway, I'm going to shop there soon. Tell me if you want to tag along.
Oh, and I had to CIP hours. I found out that Zhenyang had done less CIP than me and yet he made the 10-hour mark. I suspect it has something to do with band so I didn't go for the Gymnastic Hall to do CIP work. As I have the meeting to attend.
And so 2 people called me to tell me I'm late, I better go to the Gym now. Thanks Guo Xin and Jun Jie, but I still think there's a mistake and anyway the meeting's much more important than some stupid half-hearted attempt to clear the ordure left by the Gym members. Ironically, the camp meeting actually contributes towards my CIP hours.
Anyway, I was running late so I had to rush to print the stuff for the camp meeting and meet Jovina, Qiqi, Sylvia and Wenxi at the Teachers' Resource room at PCPS. Oh, by the way, I got past the guard when he had his back on me... hilarious isn't it. Makes you think twice about school security. In any case, I was a little late but the meeting was fabulous.
As usual, we digressed a lot so the progress was more or less hampered, but we did finalise a lot of things. Jovina was acting quite random - she kept quipping up funny quotes. When we brainstormed for the movie we are going to screen, I said 'The History Of Germany' and she voted all out for it.
Everybody else was staring so I said, 'I meant, "Finding Nemo",' and the looks intensified.
Fine. Don't ask me.
Oh, and Sylvia made cookies. And they were great! I ate like 4 (mind you, this is from a boy who didn't eat lunch) and so... never mind.
In the end, I ended up deciding we shall screen a movie called 'The History of Finding Nemo'
The groans were so loud I think Mars changed its orbit a little due to the sound waves.
When I got home, I got a message from my grandma that TeoCM wanted to see me. Regarding CIP I suppose, as I skipped the thing. I'm supposed to meet her in the morning on Wednesday, but as long as I get a satisfying reply from Mrs. Chan, I have nothing to fear.
Besides, I know how to deal with teachers who think they are fierce and commanding but are actually little twits with an inferior complex.
I'm not really in the mood to blog today, so this post doesn't really show much. I'll be better tomorrow, I promise.
Byes.

signed, jiasheng

2:37 AM

I'm currently bored. So, while listening to Zhenyang's lulling music on his website (mystflare, link>>>) I decided to pour out what I've been feeling lately about certain people:
-Rujun
I know, I've thanked you on MSN. It's just that after the Secondary 4 Farewell Lunch I realised you will be one of the few seniors I would miss terribly. I would not forget your perpetual 'stoned' expression and fun-loving nature. Thanks loads for everything. I used to wonder what made me so grateful, until the day when I realised that it was you who tried your efforts to cheer me up when I was depressed, and whenever I look for you, I never get a disappointed reply. Even a little 'Sorry, I got work to do, will talk to you later,' brightens my day. At least there's someone who is reliable and empathic. All the best for your future and *inside joke here* don't forget me... knock knock.
You probably wouldn't read this, but I feel good typing it out.

-Jiehan
Thanks for showing me new perspectives to leadership and telling me so much about the experiences you had. Thanks for the trust you had in me and most importantly, showing me which way I would pave for my journey ahead.
And thanks for seeing the real me and the willingness to accept me as your equal (that's how I feel). And last but not least, for the songs I've requested!
You have really spiced up my life. Beyond that, I've gotten inspiration.
Thank you, really.

-Sean Chia
I can't fathom you. And I can see there's an obvious effort to avoid me. Therefore, I shall not bother your last months and let you live in peace. Maybe I would erase you from my memories and you will just be a slacker Band Major. I'll pretend I was just a vessel for you to fill the gossips and facts you told me. I'll just forget that I've ever known you to be nice and warm. Just get out of my life, thanks.

-Kheexuan
Although I'm very grateful to you for being nice to me, I see that you have your own life and I have mine. So best regards to you and I shall just remember the bits and pieces where you taught me the chromatic downscale and intervals of fifth. So I'll leave you as a memory but that's what it would remain. Besides, I can tell that you don't care. Go pinch Yu Quan's cheeks or something.

-Liuzhen
I think I've spoken enough about you the last post. But just to simplify it, I'm a little angry, a little confused and a whole lot disappointed.

-Luther
If you continue your ways, you would never get far. Besides, you can't make a band a success being a soloist.

-Yong Jie
You're doing great, compared to the other majors. Which is not too good, but I'm sure you would improve. Just don't catch 'Ernest-itis' and 'erm... let me think' too much and be more confident.

-Ernest
I used to think you are spastic, lame and plain silly. Now, I still think so, but at least you shine much more brightly than the current majors. Thanks for everything. You did a great job.

-Nicholas
I shall be as stoned as you are.

-Jiasheng
Thanks for being who you are. And yes, that includes egoistic too. Oh well, you can't have the best of both worlds.

That's all. If I think of any more tributes/disappointments, I'll keep it posted.
I would really like the people I listed to read though.
Thanks and bye, reader.
I mean it.

signed, jiasheng

12:15 AM

I SOLEMNLY SWEAR I SHALL BLOG AS FREQUENTLY AS I CAN INSTEAD OF SMSING, PLAYING RAKION/GUNBOUND, LOITER IN THE BAND ROOM HOPING FOR SOME NICE SENIOR TO GET TO KNOW ME BETTER. Or something like that.
Well, here's the big decision. I shall blog like none other before.
I don't know if it's a voluntary dislike to blogging or the lack of enthusiasm to continue to something so mundane. Probably, it's because of my thrill-seeking nature. As I always say, I know myself very well. So. My record at blogging is 27 entries. That's quite good already... for a 4 month span. Well, I realise my folly at blogging - I maintain too much of a reader-oriented blog. So the reader would know exactly what I ate in the morning, which teacher scolded me for being nice, and blah blah blah.
And for the sake of those people who can only read in proper English, I've tried to type all my entries in PROPER ENGLISH (Which somehow spawned from the hope that some day some famous author might come across my blog and declare it a work of pure intellectual talent and will craft me into his disciple.)
Dream on, boy.
Face it, nowadays, unless you type like TiS in your blog, either you are a fanatic activist of the English language, or you dislike teenages. Both would label you as a freak.
By the way, I am the former, thank you very much.
Not that I type in proper English though. I try to, but I'm sure if I paste this entry into Microsoft Word, I will see all the squiggly lines mocking my command of English. Sentence structure is a little hard to fathom when you move into modern literature.
Well, a few things to complain about.
Firstly, my overwhelming workload. It seems contradictory that my amount of work has increased after the examinations. In fact, the examination period was the most relaxed one - sleep in the band room till 7.30, wake and go for the exam. (By the way, they were so easy I almost lamented my revision was too short. And I didn't revise.)
Currently, I have a few things to settle. I shall name them and those of you who don't know, be prepared to hold your jaw.

1) The band is holding an end-of-year concert. So I have practice nearly every day, eight to six. That's one great holiday gone. And the concert's on Boxing Day. So that would spell the end of Christmas partying for me... Anyway, who would want to go for a concert when everybody's mourning the 2004 tsunami disaster? Whoever thought of the date must be either stupid, retarded or plain ignorant. (Take note, I'm not trying to target anyone here, LAM LAM LAM LAM LAM [by the way, if you don't get it, it's 'Chan Lam', aka, 'chant LAM', greater effect when you 'chant LAM while bowling])
Okay, maybe I am targeting.
Anyway, these dates are horrible. Are they trying to ruin my life or what? My only comfort lies in that the majors have to suffer alongside with me.
Oh, and my senior, the Sec3 one, is off to Malaysia in that period. So Weiqi, Jinghao[who is practically crap and can't even play the chromatic scale] and I are left to cope. And during a recent conversation with Mr. Lim, he added menacingly that, 'Oh, of course there will be Euphonium solos. Lots of it.' on the account that Jiunn Lin (that's the Sec3 I'm talking about by the way) might turn up for the concert. FAT CHANCE. SLIM HOPE. Not that he's a slacker like Jinghao anyway.
By the way, Mr. Lim haven't even decided on the repertoire yet.
So perhaps I can prank call him and force him into selecting Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars or using 'The Stars and Stripes Forever', focussing on the flute and piccolo instead.
I'm digressing too much, aren't I.

2)I'm planning the PCPS P5 Camp. I did that last year, so I'm back. But it's turning out rather roughly, with the PSLE and all. That would mean I can't touch the P6s (volunteers) and with the recent examinations, a lot of the committee is missing.
The next meeting's tomorrow. I need to print out the stuff.
I'll just cross my fingers. The camp's on 9-11 of November, so it would definitely clash with band practice. Nothing's going to stop me. I shall skip band practice if I have to. I used to hate the band, and I took half a year to grow to love it. Now I loathe it again, surprise.
Nah, not exactly loathe it. Just disliking some people in the band. And I SHALL name names.
-LIUZHEN
I originally liked you, but sorry, after that night when you blasted at me, I'm sorry to say I wasn't very impressed and I feel sorry for the future of the band. With you as a Drum Major, the band will not 'elevate to greater heights' unless you improve your non-existing leadership skills.In fact, it would fall into the mud and roll there. I don't care if you had a bad day or whatever, but using your 'inferiors' as a method of releasing your rage is a mark of poor intrapersonal skills and disgusting leadership. You revolted me that night, and when you said your impression of me changed, I was glad, truly. I don't want to have anything to do with you.
And you are the reason that makes me think twice if I really belong to the band.
My mind flashes back to the nights when I'm the only one left in the band room trying to practise. And the wee hours of the morning when I'm the first one to come to the band room and memorise scores. And the fact that I rush to the band room and stay there even though I could go home and play computer games. And when people ask me why I devote myself to the band so much, I reply, 'Why not?'
Anyway, when you said, 'next time when you are rude to me, pumping also. that's what Mrs. Chan told me' [I've edited the spelling mistakes, by the way] I was really furious at how you are reduced to such a weakling. Now, I'm just nonchalant. Which scares me, because if I feel nothing, then it would mean I have given up. There might be a chance I might go somewhere else instead of trying to struggle out a way through a tyrannic and intellectually disabled Drum Major.
And that's all for the emotional carthasis. I have nothing to do with the above, my evil twin wrote it, so don't pump me in front of the whole band. It will be SO EMBARASSING!
Get the thick sarcasm and move on.
I can't think of more insults, so let's go on with that.

3) Erm. The third one's a secret. Those people who know, will know. So no point typing it out HAH.

You know, I just read my previous entries and found them highly amusing. Maybe that will be the inspiration to keep me from killing blogs.

So in a nutshell, I'm going bonkers trying to cope. Help...
Anyway, one interesting fact before I go... I'm getting a new fridge tomorrow. So the current refridgerator is like beside the sink (if you can't imagine that, try moving your fridge a little) and so... we will have 2 fridges. Which might mean double the chocolates, double the yogurt, double the frosty icicles.
I hope. As they say, 'You can even eat the sweet tooth when you got one... as it's sweet.'
Okay, I said that. Lame, but true... since 'sweet' is the adjective, then the sweet tooth must be a sweet tooth!
Wow, I surprise myself with my own brand of twisted logic.
Oh, and one last digression before I hit the sack (it's like 1:17AM now.)
I'm watching this horrible movie named 'Singapore Dreaming'. And, like all local productions, I find this movie damnably sick. Rujun agreed with me on its lack of creativity and lame themes. And I'm saying that before even watching the movie. Wait till tomorrow, and find yourself some profanity filter for my description of the movie.
Okay, me, as a Singaporean, got to dream now. Of Liuzhen being tortured or me being found by a famous author regarding my brilliant blogging skills.
Oh wells.

signed, jiasheng