How could I call it insane? It was one of those days. When I could throw myself down a skyscraper to splatter on the sidewalk and the day still won't end. I just lie around with all my body parts strewn over the place with ladies in their high heels making disgusted faces and carefully treading not to step on my spleen or liver or lungs.
It's horrible. Really, really horrible. And I couldn't even tell why it was horrible, just that it was.
So, after an insane day, I've reached some point.
The thing about this point is I don't have a clear idea what it is. It's not a very clear-cut epiphany, like "I should lose weight" or "Something has got to go" or "I need to buy bottled orgasms". It's more like, "After such a hard, insane, impossible day, I need to reach an epiphany".
I mean, what else do you do when you've had a horrible, impossible day? You can't just lie around expecting tomorrow to be better.
First, I just abandoned the day, regardless the consequences, and slept. I just did. I didn't care. Then I woke up, feeling more horrible, because there's the guilt.
So I need to do something about that.
Because if I don't keep my mind busy with these sort of things, I might just find the nearest skyscraper.
Oh ya, MSN is unsympathetic nowadays.
And also, I realized I need to go back on being independent. I mean, a really critical and cynical side of me is wincing whenever I sms in class.
Today, I just sent random messages to random people hoping they'll reply.
How pathetic is that?
Can't think of any more things to say, because I need to reserve my crapping power for lit work tomorrow.
Trying day, which is passing too slowly (it's only 1 plus in the afternoon now) and a hell of a drag.
Lost the ability to speak in coherent sentences.
Stress.
And woohoo, the whole class is seeing I'm emoing.
That sentence isn't even grammatically correct.
Yes, thank you Yuming for coming over to rub my shoulder.
Too many things to think about. Too much stuff I've procrastinated.
Someone stick a pencil in my eye now.
"Try masturbation. It's good for you." -Zhitao
After typing that,
"NO!! NOOOO! MASTURBATION IS BAD FOR YOUR DICK!" -Zhitao.
I'm not making sense here.
Never mind.
signed, jiasheng
Saturday, April 26, 2008
11:20 AM
Since Rebecca is complaining I've not been blogging, so I shall restart that auto-blog system and let it churn out something.
*** Just went down to that little gelato shop near hwachong last night.
I almost forgot where it was. Actually, I really forgot where it was. I've only been there once, and the company I had was pretty distracting.
Luckily I found it. And had gelato there until 10. Thinking of all the times.
Good thing I've grown up.
***
Random thoughts:
1) I need an mp3! SERIOUSLY. Or else I'll collapse (I can't even spell that properly) and DIE.
2) The band room is a cool place to lose things. Like phones. And wallets. AND MP3s. (Yes I lost my previous one there, the noob 128MB one)
3) I dream about her all day. She's always in shiny, glorious, sunshine splendor. But she's trapped in a little box, in Swee Lee. I will rescue her with $183. She belongs next to my mouth:
I love you. (Time to start saving.)
4) [sarcasm] Huiyao, y'know, is such a byatch. I'm totally going to bitchslap him, like, every day. I am also going to bitchslap Walter and Zhengyu, in a 3/4 beat time fashion. [/sarcasm]
5) See? I remembered my sarcasm tags.
6) I realized I've not been doing tag replies for a long long long time.
7) Feel like punching Edwin for his stupid snide comments. Either that or blog about his sckr obsession.
8) L. Siao has an official track for me, that is, "poster boy". I'm just going call him "honey bunny" back and think of more creative she-males to couple him with.
9) L. Siao says the same things over and over again! Y'know, Edwin was just mentioning that there was this student that L. Siao used to teach and she blogged about how L. Siao always says "Serene you're out!" to her.
Hmmmm. Isn't that familiar?
Then he always says, "Thank you for your time." after band practice. It's so predictable 'know.
Oh, and there's always the mean stuff he says.
Person A falls on the ground. L Siao says, "Oh, poor floor."
So mean 'know.
So when L. Siao falls on a bed of nail, we say?
"Poor bed of nails."
10) TESTS ARE COMING OUT AHH AHH AHH!
***
Happy now, Relmo?
signed, jiasheng
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
9:22 PM
I HAVE NEVER BLUSHED SO HARD during a bus trip.
I just came back from school, and there was this couple behind me on the bus. They were fervently making out. They kissed deeply and passionately, a closed-eyed affair (so there was no one in the world but them), their hands probably groping (but I couldn't see, fortunately) desperately down there.
You know what's the worse part? (I said worse because there's worst) They did it the WHOLE JOURNEY. When I got up, the guy was nibbling on the girl's neck. When I left, they were french-kissing.
When I stole some glimpses to the back (they were at the back of the bus), they just ignored me and continued doing their thang.
Theoretically speaking, if the bus journey is long enough, she would be a mother by the time the bus reaches the interchange.
***
What a weird weird day.
Started with rushing work. I prayed for rain, which means no flag-raising, which means I have time to rush out the lit presentation WHICH NO ONE SENT ME (except Ben and Marcus, bless their robotics soul).
In the end, didn't get to present for lit. Phew.
I forgot to bring P.E. and feigned sickness, but then really felt like puking. Karma.
I didn't file my Chinese file. If LeeWC came I would have gotten a D for work attitude. She didn't.
Went home and printed out Chem notes to study, so I could stay in school and mug.
Went to Swee Lee (I FOUND IT. MY FIRST TIME THERE.) to buy a shared present with Teezhuo for Sean.
Came back, started mugging. Da Xian commented I make strange noises when I study, like "Why?! WHY?! Grrrr."
Well, he jiggles his body and coughs loudly. We're even.
Talked with Mrs. Lai and Teezhuo about band stuff (not UM stuff) till 7.
Studied. Dinner. Studied. Went home. Had embarrassing bus episode.
Here blogging.
***
There's a reason why today's post is so fragmented. I've used up all my literature flair on some other things =)
signed, jiasheng
3:37 AM
I just realized it's an incredibly lonely thing to stay up at night to do work. There's no one on MSN, and you can't sms people, and you can't do anything. You can only mug and try to do that Lit presentation and think of emo things and listen to "Don't Tell Me", "When You're Gone" and "Let Go" by Avril.
Someone just shoot me.
(Or give me a teddy bear to hug.)
signed, jiasheng
Monday, April 21, 2008
11:22 PM
My screaming conscience wants me to blog, so here I am.
Ever since a lot of things, I feel like my whole life is exposed through my blog. If you read through all the archives, you'll probably know all the major things that happened in my life. And most of them ain't really pretty.
But when someone comments that "You can write for the Straits Times... y'know, like Sumiko Tan, as a columnist..." it brightens my day. But nah, I doubt ST would publish a teenager's rants.
So. I had a great Sunday. Hmmm I went to the National Library to do work. Which I called Liangjun along. I think I totally ruined his study schedule when we barely started for 1.5 hours and I said I was hungry. So we went to the Bugis Macs and eat McFlurry. Then we walked around and I went back to have a happy Sakae dinner =)
It's not every day I get to dine outside okay. My mum was feeling rich. My parents have these occasional lapses. I'll go, let's stay home to eat this weekend. But my mum might suddenly surprise me by saying, "Say, is ichiban sushi nice? Let's try it tonight."
Oh oh I think most of you have caught on the Liangjun part. Stop staring, it's not what you think.
I think it's funny the way it turned out. I started by smsing him and we have this long log of smses (which I have to constantly delete, just in case Sean starts announcing anything). In the end after the "scandal" I just kept smsing and now we're just. In a sorta strange sms relationship. We sms, but we don't really talk.
It's probably my fault, since I kinda ignores him in the band room, where we both have our mutually exclusive activities, where I'll be bitching about someone/making stale sex jokes/practising/doing homework, and he'll be constantly doing stickings and stuff.
Yeah so nowadays I'm not really paying attention in class and is really just smsing in class. I'm listening in class, really. Just that smsing is more interesting.
I don't really want to publicize that hey, I'm talking with Liangjun! because that's just dumb especially now. If I'm not wrong, we're probably starting to use protection, according to the gospel in the 3P1 classroom.
So why am I blogging this? I don't know. To really clear things up? I don't think this blog post is helping. Just to put it down, I guess. So when some really bitchy gossip makes me stop smsing, I can refer back to this post and remember this strange episode of my life.
signed, jiasheng
Saturday, April 19, 2008
10:57 PM
What a trying week it've been. yes really.
The whole week was just me trying to get back on the track of life after SYF. Which wasn't very successful. I was constantly tearing up pieces of leaves and doodling and scrunching up paper.
Then we had The Meeting on Friday, which didn't do as well as I've hoped, but nonetheless, it's serving its purpose. Just that to say the truth, I'm being really unsure. And worried. and pissed because i can't say the things i know.
Oh and Leng just exploded on me because uniform stuffs were lying around. JC band should be pretty stressed up with Capriccio right now. As UM, sure it's my fault. I wasn't even around in the morning.
I know I shouldn't be saying this, but I really hate some things right now and I'm still waiting for my old optimism to come back. because I really need it.
It doesn't help that now I find some of the tags very cryptic and mysterious. I can't really understand them anymore. who the hell?
Never mind. i'll just wait it out.
//Edit.
Ohya.
Before I forget.
Thanks to whoever asked if I'm okay.
And for understanding that there are things that I can't tell.
signed, jiasheng
Thursday, April 17, 2008
4:00 AM
To the comments on my tagboard, I can only softly scream "Oh man. Oh man." all over my head and whimper under my (non-existing) desk.
Anyway, before it gets out of hand:
1) I'm not against Sean. Zhengyu, I suggest you don't kill your AP but still lovable batchmate, but instead spread more rumours about him instead. Potential partners include: Lee WC's mother, Mrs Hon, Leng, the Science Lab auntie assistant who wears sneakers, any of the poolside aunties.
2) Tee Zhuo, you have your fair share coming up.
3) Huiyao: largely no comments, except for "Erm... thanks for inventing a new rumour to distract my current one." which I think is the case, so another reason for Zhengyu not killing anymore. Peace.
4) Pillow: Some things are better off not known.
Since everyone is so interested, what really happened:
Jiasheng enters.
Jiasheng says: Oh, what a lovely day.
Liang Jun enters. Liang Jun pulls out a gun and shoots Jiasheng dead.
Sean enters.
Sean says (in bimboic and squealing voice): YAY! You've finally killed him, darling! That bitch totally stole my hubby, the poolside auntie!
Sean leaps up and down, spreading his handjuices on the ceiling, radiating them with toxic gamma rays.
Liang Jun died from the gamma rays, slumping dead beside Jiasheng.
Sean leaves.
Huiyao enters, switching on the lights.
Jiasheng, not really dead, but rather just unconscious, is revived by the magical light.
Jiasheng groans in agony.
Huiyao observes and leaves.
Jiasheng dies again from gamma rays.
THE NEXT DAY.
Jiasheng enters (who gives a heck about continuity).
Huiyao and Sean preaching to band people.
"HAHA Jiasheng had sex with Liang Jun!"
Jiasheng slumps dead on the floor, obviously dead from embarrassment.
signed, jiasheng
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
3:13 PM
This morning when I stepped into the band room, I knew something was wrong. Something about a group of juniors and batchmates sitting on the floor, listening to Sean and Huiyao preach about something.
Then Huiyao said, "Jiasheng, yesterday you and Liang Jun.." and I knew. I looked at Sean. I knew.
I spent the whole day brooding over it. Half the time I was angry at Sean, because how could he gossip some big and scandalous affair about me and his own section leader? (By the way, Sean doesn't look like it, but he's the bitchiest of the lot. He gossips about everything. I think it's influence from Huiyao. No offense to either of them.)
The other half I was worried about Liang Jun, because he's a good person and gossips in the band tend to go out of hand (I mean, Tee Zhuo is now a grandmother which me as his French maid and we have lesbian sex every night.)
Then I gave it a lot of thought and decided to let it go. I bitch and gossip about other people too. Why can't people derive some sick twisted fun (like I do) from making fun of me? It never feels good when you're at the receiving end of a joke, but they mean no harm. In fact, I think people should thank me from distracting the general populous from their own real scandalous affairs.
Right now, I'm just too embarrassed to go talk to Liang Jun anymore.
signed, jiasheng
5:36 AM
I think the line from 'Half a Soldier' by Alfian Sa'at is cool:
Sniffed in the intimate musk of stars.
***
Anyway, can't anyone read sarcasm anymore?
[sarcasm] First, we didn't get top band after all. It's just a rumour. I have an urge to pose as L. Siao and post on everyone who mentioned we got top band, "Please remove the offending article on your weblog. It is unfounded and you did not get top band."
Secondly, we didn't get a distinction because somehow the school is not announcing so we don't even get to jam Deep Purple Medley. [/sarcasm]
***
But, a collective gratitude to all your concerns.
***
Waiting.
signed, jiasheng
Monday, April 14, 2008
8:19 PM
My MSN nick now reads: jiasheng coruscation//is entitled to feeling lousy, emo, bitchy and horrible. i am now making full use of my entitlement
Yes. I am feeling HORRIBLE.
First, we didn't get top band after all. It's just a rumour. I have an urge to pose as L. Siao and post on everyone who mentioned we got top band, "Please remove the offending article on your weblog. It is unfounded and you did not get top band."
Secondly, we didn't get a distinction because somehow the school is not announcing so we don't even get to jam Deep Purple Medley.
Thirdly, we screwed up so badly during flag-raising that a fat European form teacher imitating the toms by banging insanely on the table and called the school song "unearthly", which was downright mean and stupid.
Fourthly, I spent my afternoon doing the makeup chinese compo test which resulted in a strained neck from me writing a weird strange story about Grandma Tee crushing on Zhan Hui and being robbed of her life savings because of a phone call.
Fifth, I wasted a lot of time deciding whether to go for Jap or not, because I've already missed three lessons consecutively (again) by being sick, doing band stuff and having band rehearsal. In the end I gave in to conscience, and ended up at MOELC at 6.25. Haha, when lessons end at 6.30. Then I found out I just missed the sakubun (composition) test, which means I have to email Lee WC for an excuse letter in order to get a makeup sakubun test tomorrow, and that also means I have to go to MOELC tomorrow, when I also happen to have a debate rehearsal. And to top it off, the deadline for the Jap presentation is after E-learning, and Yi Ling-san gave me the death look when I came at the end.
"Why you disappear again?!"
I was muttering to myself all the way back to J8. I actually planned to bake and write thank you notes, but I was totally in a lousy mood. Still. It's necessary, even when I need to prepare for the debate thing (I HAVE DONE NOTHING) and type out lit panel discussion stuff. But I know if I don't do the thank you notes soon, I'll never do it, so I MUST DO IT TODAY.
Thus I went to withdraw money to buy paper and baking stuff. Was in a terrible mood queuing at the ATM. I hate queuing. You know how when you queue up in the canteen. The HCI canteen is horrendous. It's always packed, unless it's 11.20, which is no time to eat anything. Anyway, when you queue at the back, there'll be people try to pass by you, so they'll squeeze past, and then your lower regions will be exposed to contact. Either their groins will grind in my butt (which is really disgusting when it's guys) or I'll try to swerve my hip and we (the passing party and I) end up frotting each other.
Okay digressed.
Anyway, it was a really long queue at the ATM so I was thinking random suicidal thoughts, like quitting Jap (which I will never do, by the way), then finally it was my turn. Then the ATM screen flashed:
THE MACHINE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.
I smiled. And walked away.
The next person (another long queue is waiting) went to the machine. It worked.
Keep on smiling. Keep on smiling. Keep on smiling. Walk away. Walk away. Don't smash your fist into anything. Don't grind your teeth like that.
I hopped on the MRT and bought the stuff at TP.
So here I am. In desperate need of something orgasmic and someone sympathetic on MSN.
Plus, with so much things to do which I will always prioritize wrongly.
1) Thank you notes and baking 2) Email Lee WC 3) Check mail for Hagimoto sensei's email 4) Lit script 5) Debate research
Help.
signed, jiasheng
Sunday, April 13, 2008
9:55 AM
Thoughts Before The March
with bated breath and quickened heart I stared around me the wind shakes free, a field of red and strips of gold the grass is only our stage
my eyes trained on the furry upright sticks of yellow the sharp glint of brass and metal keys rattle on the deep black wood of clarinets
stomach knotting chest pounding thoughts of uncertainty and mistakes and failure, thoughts, of slow afternoons with sweat, ego melts of raining cold days and echoing sounds of pinpricks and berets and swinging belts of sleepless nights and lanyards to count of anxiety, worry, crisis and confidence maim of efforts not paying their results due on time of glory, dreams, and broken causes of friendships and leaders lost to losses
the wind blows
and tells me it's okay. drop, check, play.
***
I have a lot of people to thank.
From up to down, in no order of merit, though some people deserve much more gratitude than I can offer:
1) The teachers really have done EVERYTHING. Nothing would have worked without them. The uniforms and instruments wouldn't be so neat and systematic if not because of Mrs. Chan. Mrs Lai was always running around to make things work, and you can be sure the band won't if not because of her. Ms Quah must be thanked for her catering and meticulous attention of Edwin's macework x) and Mr Tan is responsible for making us go back to class for reading period on time.
2) The instrutors: without them, there is no competition. I think Mr. Siao has mellowed. I believe without the musical repertoire, we wouldn't stand a chance. Jon Lee made our erratic band see the result of discipline.
3) Edwin really threw in everything he had. Did you people know he injured his hand and didn't even dare to tell the teachers? When he was throwing that mace, how much is the stress? And through all our practices, who spent the most effort? Who worried, cared and bounced back the most?
Your DM is a very special person (though I must add, oftentimes crazy and irritating.)
4) C'mon, you have to admit, Zong Xian isn't your outdoor person. Size aside (he's going to kill me) he fares best in indoors. Yet he kept all his inhibitions and just went with it. He shed his less-than-sufficient confidence and spent the most effort settling and solving conflicts in the band. With Edwin, they make the best majors I've seen as UM.
5) QMs: Without them where are your instruments? Especially Huiyao, who has to face Mrs. Chan's rantings.
6) SLs: I don't know any post more important than the Section Leaders. I can do NOTHING without them. I can't give out uniforms stuff, I can't give announcements and make sure they work, and I WILL GO CRAZY without their help. They've been amazingly co-operative and understanding people, especially when the UMs are often lunatic, inexperienced and stupid (that applies only to me).
7) The Uniform Managers (though Master sounds cooler): Qifannn and Teezhuo (newly instated). They're just angels in disguise. Kudos to Tee Zhuo for making himself so busy with berets and belts and crazy UM stuff until he becomes an irritated french bitch (really, he can become realllllly bitchy). But he's just gold. He didn't even had to do it, and I'm really touched. Qifannn just did all the things that I draconianly threw on him, and whatever I had to get off my chest I just unload it on him, even then he has his own thoughts and commitments to worry about. Like Huiyao says, "You put the U in BAND." We've really worked very hard, and I'm glad it paid off.
8) The Alumnus: thanks for supporting us and giving pep talks. I know I've been more than disagreeable to most of you. But it doesn't matter now. Thanks to Jiehan still sticking to his promise, and offering his help with UM stuff. To Bangky, who helped Hongseng find glue to stick Hongseng's shoe. To all the people who were in the band and cared. Thank you.
9) To the general band populous: and by that I mean everyone. I know this period I had been bitchy and irritable because I was just so overwhelmed by everything. If I've snapped at you or made you unhappy, I apologize here. And I really need to thank everyone who made me feel that what I do has worth, and I really feel that. I feel joy when people say, "If not for uniforms, we won't have won," even though that's so lol and untrue but I appreciate all your gratitude. You people make me feel worthy of the pride. Plus, some of you really look good in the uniform. Erm, that's a lie x)
***
Oh, btw, for people who don't know: TOP BAND FOR ASSESSMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!
signed, jiasheng
Friday, April 11, 2008
3:31 AM
Okay, I HAVE to blog before I go nuts.
This is probably the last post before SYF.
The thing is, I think my body is rebelling against me. I'm falling sicker and sicker. My nose is blocked up so I speak funny. I feel tired. My wake up bio clock is current set at 3am.
Like what the hell.
Plus, I'm ignoring all my lessons and I have 2 checklists: one for before SYF, and one after. My life is hinging on SYF.
To make matters worse, I'm also contemplating random emo questions like:
1) What if I suddenly collapse? 2) Will Jiexuan and I going to be able to talk normally someday? 3) Why can't I strangle some people who make my life infinitely more difficult?
I'm irritable, tired, pissed, and really hoping and yearning for SYF to be OVER.
But currently, after a full dress, a school performance and a rehearsal at the National Stadium, I can say we're pretty well-prepared. Go HCIBAND(U)!
Yeah I'm nearly falling apart but I'm still waving the flag for us.
signed, jiasheng
Thursday, April 10, 2008
3:42 AM
Why am I even attempting to blog a funny, witty, substantial post about my life when I have a million gazillion thankless tasks to do?
Okay, now I'm supposed to be writing a real life report, like the ones we did last year about people watching porn in the computer room or something. But the thing about such reports is that you can't fake anything, so I'm really serious and all, and that makes me have a writer's block, because reality is stranger than fiction.
Anyway, as usual, I'm not supposed to tell you what it is about. It might be for my transvestite publicity campaign.
Do hope I can reveal some details after this blows over, though.
But doubt so.
Anyway, reward for people who stretched their necks sore waiting for my post:
Um, I forgot to mention it's really disturbing.
signed, jiasheng
Sunday, April 06, 2008
10:25 AM
As much porn as Youtube would allow:
*** So many things have happened that I can't possibly tell you people.
But I'm really glad for people in my life.
1)Qifannn, my confidant and partner-in-crime with dressing the whole band bloodily 2)Tee Zhuo, who has practically became the third UM over the few days 3)People who have helped me with the uniforms, which includes a lot of people: the teachers (Thanks Mrs. Lai for the breakfast =)), the majors, the section/row leaders, Zhenyang, Joshua, plus plus plus 4) My parents and family 5) Band people in general for co-operating, especially with a non-sec4 exco member who is prone to snapping when irritated 6) People who were concerned
These days I've doubted myself, fallen into depression, tried to hang on with 2 hours of sleep for a day, missed band prac on more than one occasion, got irritable and snappish.
But I survived.
So many things had happened, all of which would make me want to lock myself up and cry, but I survived.
I might not be as self-assured or confident or capable as other people, but if I can survive this, I don't know what else I can't. At least, that's what I think for now.
I'm grateful. For whoever helped me along, although sometimes it feels like the world is against me.
I'm overwhelmed by the world, really.
signed, jiasheng
Saturday, April 05, 2008
3:14 AM
I never had nightmares before.
At least, ever since teenage. I don't think I had any.
So I had a nightmare, first time in many years. I don't ever remember what it was about. I just know I woke up at 1.30 in the morning, when I've set my alarm for 4.00am, and I was breathing very hard.
That's why now I'm sewing berets, at 3 plus in the morning.
Am I dreaming? I keep asking myself.
I think I'm repressing things until they work out.
Hope I don't explode.
signed, jiasheng
Thursday, April 03, 2008
7:45 PM
Ow.
Ow.
Was trying to get through my summary when my right eye started throbbing in pain, like someone's shining a strong light at it in regular intervals.
I thought I was crying blood.
After English there was double Maths. And there's a Maths test tomorrow. I went home anyway.
My mum and I are still at it.
"Hello? My right eye hurts a lot. I want to go home."
"HAHAHAHA (she actually laughed) this is what happens to boys who are rude-"
I hung up.
Then I took a taxi and ignored her when I got home.
I have summoned every little bit of restrain in me NOT to slap her back and throw her laptop out of the window.
Okay as usual I have too much things to do.
And I can't wear contacts for a week. So says my mother.
(Do I care?)
signed, jiasheng
1:59 AM
There are some things that you shouldn't mention on blogs. You should only give vague emo suicidal thoughts on how your life suck and you want to die.
I went home today, after an infinitely tiring day of buying 80 hangers and lugging them home. Was too fatigued to speak because I have a sore throat developing, and tonnes of work to do (they're still left undone).
Collapsed on the bed.
My mother screamed at me. Irritation level goes up.
What?
Apparently she wants her thumbdrive back.
Okay, fine, you bitchy woman (no I didn't say that, although any one with any one functioning sensory organ could deduce that). I dumped the thumbdrive on the table.
Then she shouted at me.
"IS this what the school teaches you? (Her favourite scold phrase, by the way) You know how to wake me up from sleep when you need your things (that is NOT true. She needed to wake up anyway. It was late.) then you throw your things back at me? Don't go to school la, if that's what you learn! (The continued favourite scold phrase)"
I stared into her eyes, not really feeling anything. I just kept staring.
Then she slapped me.
I didn't break eye contact once. And I won't forget the sting. I just kept staring at her, fully awake now, and I'm surprised by her actions, and started to feel that smothering reflex hatred burning. I didn't break eye contact. I just bored into her eyes, which is the best I could do. I didn't have to scream and shout and walk out of the house and slam the door. I didn't have to walk silently to the window and jump out, which is what I considered doing, which is what I knew would scar her for life. I didn't say a single word, although I know a lot of them that would reduce her from my mother to a self-pitying woman. For a moment, she wasn't my mother. Flashes of revenge thoughts just ran through. I didn't care who she was. I didn't break eye contact.
And that, is the most direct way to end the confrontation. Angrily, she broke off, still scolding me, but she no longer challenged me back with those intensely black eyes.
After that, as the sting faded from my cheek, I wondered if I handled it maturely, or I was simply too tired to care. Of course I feel the hurt, that my mother would vent her frustrations on me (she isn't usually like that, but that is no excuse to hit your own children). Come morning, she would be alright again. Or maybe it would take longer. But as things go in my household, we don't confront the problem. We just pretend to forget. It's just a matter of time.
There are no apologies, only cold wars. And I would ignore her, for a period, but c'mon, how long could I do that? When you're a teenager and under the power of your parents, there is really nothing much you can do. Forget about human rights. It's the bare truth. And it's not going to change.
The best way, the most grown-up way to do this, is to forgive my mother, because she might be going through a rough patch. Or maybe even apologize to her, and it might make her feel better. But I don't want to. This is when I don't want to be pragmatic, because I hope she can see fault with herself. She's not perfect. I'm not perfect. Conflicts are going to happen - they might even be necessary. But my mother is not introspective like I am. She is a good person, I can tell. But she is only human. So am I.
Let life go on. But one day (which I hope will never come), all these 'forgotten' conflicts will come back to haunt us. I hope that day, I still love my mother enough to not hate her.
signed, jiasheng
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
4:08 AM
(Yesterday = today post)
I totally fell asleep after getting home because it was such a sucky day and I was too tired to care, even though there were around three thousand things for me to do.
Spent last night (last last night. Aiya, the night before pday) helping Zhengyu do his jianbao and Sean with his research on carbon nanotubes, since they're all busy with projects and I have nothing to prepare for, except homework. I've decided to poke my nose in those projects that need help and contribute =)
Oh but if you're doing Cat 1, please. Don't ask for my help.
Because I don't have a project, I'm forced to watch the Cat 1 projects. It's HORRIBLE. Everyone is experimenting about antioxidants.
Antioxidants in wine. Antioxidants in petai. Antioxidants in walnuts. Antioxidants in leaves. Antioxidants in vegetables. Antioxidants in camels.
Okay I made the last one up, but it pretty much sums up Cat 1. Cracked a lot of antioxidant jokes with Bo Dong. We wondered what would happen if antioxidants were found to have detrimental effects on the human health.
Bo Dong: Am I an antioxidant? Are you an antioxidant? Can I eat you? Raaaa!
Now I'm anti-antioxidant (which makes me oxidant).
We basically hopped around project venues, like the terrible English ones with war poems and stuff. Blahblahblah.
At least for Cat 1 I gained some knowledge on various science terms such as plasmids, thalassemia, chitin, chelation, rancidification. No, actually I didn't. But it's fun watching the people presenting trying to pronounce them.
HCI has some good speakers, though, even from the science department.
Quotes:
Judge: I seriously doubt you can produce free radicals just by shining light on oil and water.
From a powerpoint slide: Crystals have special healing properties."
There was an interesting Cat 6 (English) project on "Funky Fillers" (THE TITLE SUCKS THE TITLE SUCKS THE TITLE SUCKS).
Fillers are words like "Um", "Uh", "Oh"...
Um okay.
In one slide, the group mentioned how they want to investigate how fillers help in the comprehension of language. (wth)
So Bo Dong asked for an example.
"For example, when you want someone to pick up a red ball, you say, "Can you pick up that yellow, uh, red ball for me?" That 'uh' will actually allow for more time for the listener to spot your mistake."
Uh, whatever.
***
I'm stressed up.
Sat. Full Dress.
Enough said. *** I ain't no third person...
Besides, that uniform roleplay thing + feather dildo Teezhuo suggested is disgusting.
So strange 'no.
signed, jiasheng
jiasheng
19th Sept
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