blog/enigma

Thursday, December 13, 2007

1:04 AM

200th post. Including all the drafts that I've decided to unveil today. It has been a long long journey since I started with this URL but I guess it's all worth it. Many of the posts are downright scandalous and stuff but I guess I'm going to spill the beans today, eh? Get ready for the scandals. Your perception of Jiasheng is about to change forever. (Lols; it sounds so cheesy.)

//EDIT: You don't have to read everything! In fact I suggest you not read at all (or you'll stay at the PC for six hours.) This is probably my longest post ever.

1. I've read about all of my previous posts (average 500 words x 200 posts so imagine my reading speed) and realize from around October 2006 I started getting friendly with Jiexuan (the rest of the year I was reasonably AP). Then our friendship ended probably around August this year. I guess it's not as if it was a sudden break-off. Somehow we were doomed, now that I thought about it. It's only a little painful (not like what I've expect) to read all the posts that I've written about and mentioned him. From the first mention of his tag about the lengthiness of my post, (23rd Oct, 2006):

>>Jie Xuan
Actually, it depends on my mood and amount of things to write and my overall typing speed. Usually 1000+ word blog entry would take 1 hour at least. Nontheless, there is a formula for calculating my blogging speed:

(I * M) / (T1 + T2)

Where I = Inspiration for entry(scale of 0 to 1000); M = Mood(from negative to positive in increasing intergers 0-1000); T1 = Type of Music currently listening to(Fast Tempo, add up to 1000); T2 = Type of font I use(Smaller the font, more the point, up to 1000)

For example, for a relatively slacked day and I'm not really enthusiastic, it would be

(I * M) / (T1 + T2)
= (200*150) / (500 + 700)
= 25
= 25mins
Fine that's crap

...to the latest flame I directed towards him (8th September, 2007):

And guess what I found on my tagboard today? A rat! Seriously, a tanned Indian rat. It's rather rare, but guess what, it's a tanned Indian rat which plays the horn! Now that's something you can't find every day.
As usual, it was sprouting rubbish, but who cares, it's eye-candy enough to see such a rare beast appearing on one's tagboard. I replied to its inane squeaks, but I don't think it can understand human language. Although rats are pretty smart creatures, this certain species use it only for cunningness so I guess all they do is chase their tails.
Well, happy spotting it on my tagboard! Maybe you can try speaking to it, too!

I guess I did come a long long way. But reading all the posts that once called Jiexuan 'fun to be with, that I was happy to have a friend like him, and I hope we could stay friends', stuff like that, one post cut me deep enough. I remember I showed it to qfnn once, and he laughed. I laughed along too, but it was a hollow laugh. The irony! That post said (3rd November, 2006, drafted):

Normally I wouldn't post something unless it's inspiration, urgent, or plain crap.
This falls into the third category. Plain crap as in, it's something that ought to be understood even before this post should exist. But somehow the universe has blocked it out, so it's up to this PC post to remind certain individuals of certain things.

JX>>
I didn't, don't, and will not backstab, malign, insult, belittle, mock, blame, harm you in any way without validated reason (of legal, moral or society-approved stature). By quite blatantly putting me as the bad guy, I feel pretty maligned myself. So get it: no one is blaming you, and you're taking offense no one has given.
Of course, you can count this as a flame, but still, as hypocritical I might sound, I have the best intentions at heart.
I probably wouldn't post this. I'll save it for UV-day.
-terminated-

Laughable. And yes. Hurtful.

***

2. My crushes!!! Yes I think this is the most scandalous part of my post because it shows how gay Jiasheng really is! I don't know about it, but somehow the lack of females makes some of my seniors very attractive. Scandalous right?! (I don't know why I'm speaking like an Ah Lian but..) Anyway my list of crushes are well-documented in my posts but I think I shouldn't post them because:
-They might be too shocked to know a frog had crushed over them
-Some of the content is pure gibberish
But there's one particular post that I've shown several people, and it's just about the scandalousiest them of all (notice I keep using the word scandal because I just know it would rock the world). Here goes! Sorry whoever would be emotionally scarred (28th January, 2007):

Okay, this is possibly the dumbest thing I've said.
I can't believe it just blurted itself out! I mean it's like totally sick if you hear someone, especially ESPECIALLY me say you're cute. And worse if you're a guy. And worst if you're a guy major from the band, and your negative, nosy junior tells you that you're cute.
That's that totally stupid of me, but yeah, I just said it. Me and my BIG FAT MOUTH. Or my BIG FAT FINGERS, seeing they are the ones who typed them out
Okay. I'm going to relate from the start.
I was nolinking to Luther then I said his emoticon was cute (it was too - really cute smiley face with real cute wry smile and real cute eyebrows) and he said I didn't have to scream when I see cute things (I was in fact nolinking, so I was practising my bimboic speech).
Then big stupid mouth had to say, "Well, I don't scream when I see you,"
Which is totally stupid, ignorant and straight out gay. Okay, maybe gay out gay, whatever.
Then he HAD TO ASK 'you mean I'm cute?'
Then I HAD TO REPLY 'er... yar,'
Which is totally stupid, because now in hindsight I realized he meant to ask if he's cute, not if I think he's cute.
Which the whole idea was stupid, because I really think he's kind of cute.
I mean, how positively stupid is that? Or negatively stupid? Who cares about political correctness now?
I mean, now I have to deal with something much worse. Like how he's going to avoid me like the plague from now on and I'll never have a life in band and I can't talk to him (which is actually fine, seeing I don't talk much to him anyway) and in the chance that he'll go around saying this then I will be seriously busted for the rest of my years in HCI, and beyond. And not to mention once this blog post is posted all of you readers are going to say, "OMG Jiasheng is actually gay! I never knew! Let's keep a distance away from him," and I can't think of any excuses to offer except to say I'm attempting to write 'Confessions of a Gay Teen' and this is my planning pitch. It's totally irrational and my life is so going to be ruined.
And he HAD TO CONTINUE, NOT EVEN ALLOWING A CHANCE FOR ME TO EXPLAIN.
"ok fine. in what ways am i cute?"
Which is totally stupid, because asking that meant he's trying to make me offer more secrets he can reveal to others and shame me to eternity. I'm going to get stoned on a stick. I'm going to be a social outcast. Ah, I rather die. No way am I going to say I think the way he smiles is so adorable and he practically catwalks and the pose he has with the trumpet. NO NO NO. Okay, deep breath, deep breath. I'm going to make this work. I'm not going to mess up my life. I decide to play cool on this one.
"hmmmm. i can go quite in depth about this"
"go ahead" AHHH HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT HE'S SUPPOSED TO SAY 'lol okay... you're weird' and let go with that!
"nah... i'm joking. you're suppose to forget this remember right?" Ok. Blame Jiasheng's sense of humour. It's cool. I'm good. Okay.
"k. bye."
AHHHH He's leaving! That means he's going to go off with this 'jiasheng thinks I'm cute so he's most definitely gay and I'll tell the rest of the seniors so we can lock him up for good" thought in his mind when he goes to sleep. That's wayy not good.
"wei. i don't mean it this way"
OKAY, I take back what I said just now. Those were not stupid. THIS IS! WHY WHY WHY didn't I just let them go?
And the rest was just stuttering and blushing at the PC screen, which is, stupid. Because Jiasheng don't stutter, he doesn't blush, and he sure doesn't type his blog posts like that. This is so out of character.
Now he tells me that if I want to say something, then I should. Otherwise, shut up. I wish I could. But I'm mad with fury with myself and I'm trying to look for a knife to slit my wrists. AHHHH It's too much for me to bear.
And now I'm going to show him this piece of junk.
I'm an atheist, but this still stands:
OH. MY. GOD.

Nice right! Yeah it's just so downright gay and all. Now I'm putting my personal stature at stake here for you guys' entertainment value, so you ought to be thankful. Though Luther had seen this already - so I doubt he minds. By the way, think I'm homophobic and stuff? Think again. And I'm not going to entertain question regarding my sexuality, thankyouverymuch (yes yes let the debate be on-going. What an attention-seeker I am.)

Oh and if anyone has a drastic change of opinion of me, sorry. Maybe the real me is too hard to fathom.

3. Random emo posts! With commentaries.

I have no idea why I'm back after an hour. When I should have done work. But I just don't feel like doing that. Yes the slacker instinct.
Just visited Lionel's blog. And read through 1 year plus worth of stuff. And suddenly, while reading through, I just went to play 'When You're Gone' by Avril Lavigne.
All of the sudden, I just felt so sad. And ignorant and petty.
-10th July 2007
>>I don't know whether to pity Lionel or hate him. Maybe I'll pity him a little more after reading this.

I'm fretting about something.
That is, why someone is feeling so incredibly down.
And I don't think I should leave him alone, but he asked me to, so I did.
It's unfathomable. I don't know what to do. Worse still, I feel like a gigantic idiot for leaving him like that? What if he committed suicide or took drugs or did something stupid. And the thing is that I feel stupid for thinking all these highly unprobable things too.
Who do I think I am? I'm not really the preacher god.
And when I nodding off last night, all I could think of was how all this would turn out.
Which probably resulted in me having another nightmare.
I'm probably not going to post this. Just save it. Reasons being:
1)The sentence structuring is atrocious.
2)Some people aren't going to like it.
3)I would feel more like an idiot.
4)It's too short.

Anyway, here are several reasons that I think might contribute to his moodiness:
1)He broke up with his girlfriend (does he even has one?)
2)He's sad that he's leaving HCI (I think his upcoming birthday might contribute to it)
3)Mood swings.
4)Realized his mistake abou chiding Jie Xuan (highly impossible)
5)Something to do with his family (I made conscious efforts not to mention it to him lar)
6)
TBC
-13th November 2006
>>Of course, this post is never continued. But guess who I'm talking anyway.

Have you ever felt a crippling sense of surreality sometimes?
The feeling that none of what you are experiencing is real. Everything seemed to be a great conspiracy and you get the sensation that you are staring out at the world like a person who's staring at a picture in an art museum. He knows that the work is surely fabricated out of the artist's imagination.
It can happen at every time of your life. When you turn your head and see the shimmering sunlight on the staircase and the feeling of detachment rushes over, filling the world with an abstract, dreamlike quality, and you question yourself if you're really dreaming or not.
Somehow, it's real, yet it doesn't feel like reality.
-23rd November 2006
>>Example of a random emo post.

I feel as stupid as I'm disappointed.
I can't type an apology here, partly because I know it wouldn't be sincere. And besides, I'm not sure if I know who's right or who's wrong.
I took another walk again. And I suspect I'm psychotic. I can't get anything right!
I hate these situations I can't cope with.
I hate myself for being such a useless bum who crowns himself on being nice and pro.
I hate having the knowledge that I'm in fact an unsuccessful person.
-27th November 2007
>>Another.

These few days I've been running around like a mad horse trying to get a grip on myself - I gallop around insanely tight schedules and activities to be done. The feeling is strange - I keep complaining not only to myself, but to others so many times I swear they switch into an automatic turn-off mode whenever they see my jaw move, but I'm convinced by myself that this is never too hard for me because I'm loving every working minute to make the band better.
Band is my bloodline. I wouldn't be surprised if someone told me that my blood cells are moving in common time and they configured the iron they hold in them to transfigure into instruments.
No, that's biologically speaking impossible. Anyway, my basic point is I start with band in the morning, and go to the classroom with band on my mind, go to band after school, and draft plans and memorize scores for the band.
It's starting to scare me. Will I turn into a band addict? You know, if you told me of such a person, say 6 months ago, I would think this person is completely off his mind. Why would anyone get so attached to something so abstract? I mean, it's one thing to like your instrument and to like some of your bandmates, but to devote your entire life to the band? Yup, he should forfeit his right to call himself entirely sane.
Don't get me wrong - I'm still as cynical and skeptical as ever - but beyond that, my passion has crossed borders. I think the last time I got so committed into such an organization was probably the camp committee, but still, considering that band was still a chore for me early last year, this is still something short of a miracle.
I mean, Jiasheng! If you took a look at me during the Year 1 join-in orientation, you can see how pessimistic and reluctant I was to even participate in band activities. Granted, I'm still not exactly ready to throw myself into every band chalet and BBQ, but I think I might actually reach that stage.
The problem with me is that I'm extremely task-oriented and work-driven. Once I start attending a meeting, I would think about it long after it's over, and when it is over, when the meeting committee goes off enjoying dinner and friends and company, when I quietly absorb everything and pen my thoughts down, I would allow myself one selfish and spiteful moment of how I'm the only one serious here.
Too serious, too serious.
I think I've learnt the 'work hard' part, but the 'play hard' I still need working on.
-10th January 2007
>>Woah woah woah! I didn't know I was so crazy a while back. 'Band is my bloodline'?! Siao. Yes I can only say I was nuts. I guess I'm really not that passionate anymore. It's a little regretful. But wow, imagine what would the band be if everyone thought like that. I sort of agree with the not knowing how to play hard part though.

4. Some noteworthy posts to round it off!

HERE
>> So philosophical! I think it's really deep and meaningful. (This is not self-praise because I feel really shallow right now. It's almost as if I didn't write that.)

HERE
>>Ah, Jiexuan again. But besides that, I sorta like the doppelganger concept. And though I don't want to appear to be trying to gain anybody's favors, HY does write posts that still make me laugh.

HERE
>> This is a nice story. (I'm speaking as if I didn't write it.) It's so cryptic and all. And I realize that when I write emo posts I like to end off with 'I don't know anymore.' It certainly adds an emo finish to the essay.

HERE
>> Fun post.

HERE
>> Long, fun post. A little sad too, because it was about someone whom I'm really wary of right now. (Actually I'm wary of everyone, but...)

HERE
>> This is one great post. I totally agree. But I think I've changed a little in the way that I truly believe that there's someone out there who's right for me. And ooh, the part about infatuations. How innocent I was then.

HERE
>>Ah, short-lived lies. I especially cringe at "I wish to inform those who doubt this situation as a facade or a fad to kindly change their viewpoints. It is with ultimate sincerity and determination that I have made this decision, and thus I resolve to keep this attitude in check." Shows how fickle I can be.

HERE
>>The 100th post. So if you think about it, I write loads of posts from August 07 to Nov 07. But I was sorry that I had to dedicate my 100th post to being miserable.

HERE
>>I really enjoyed my birthday this year. Let's hope next year would be better!

HERE
>>It was really horrible and painful to think about.

HERE
>>Music commentaries.

~~On hindsight, I should have linked the posts but urgh.~~//EDITED! Linked. Never mind. Some notes:

-I gave the posts about Liuzhen a miss because a) there are too many b) I don't want to offend him anymore. Tiring work.
-Recent posts omitted.

I must admit that reading all my old posts made me feel sorta older and way more mature. But still. After coming in terms of myself I still have to go on. So walk by me, eh?

signed, jiasheng