Bad Luck Magnet

Jiasheng's Big Give!

2008-12-17T21:45:00.003+08:00

HELLLLLLLLLOOOOOO, WORLD.

How were things when I was gone? Did anyone miss me? Does anyone even visits this place anymore?

Anyway, to answer some of your questions:

QN: Can you invite me to view your blog?

ANS: Sorry, no. I didn't invite anyone in after I privatized my blog.

QN: So where do I get more of your sparkling witty posts?

ANS: Yes, I have a new blog, and no, I'm not going to tell you what's the URL. Let's play a game!

This game is simple. Find my new blog! The thing is, you have nothing. No hints, no flash-my-URL-on-MSN-for-3-seconds, no nothing.

C'mon, it's only fair. When I started on my new blog (it has 25 mostly funny posts now), I wanted to have a platform where I can have a non-political blog, because the p-climate then was really terrible and I didn't want anything I do to be changed into anything else. Then I shared my link with a certain someone (don't tell you), and another certain someone found my blog (don't tell you). So now only my closer friends know about my blog (if you do, congratulations, if not, don't be upset, this is not a friendship bargaining game). Now you can be part of the family! (Because after a while, I realize my posts there aren't too incriminating.)

If you already know about my new blog, please DO NOT spoil the game for everyone else.

If you are interested to find, good luck, because I've made it difficult for anyone to find. It's hard to google. And I've substituted everyone's name in my new blog to funny sobriquets so yep, gooood luck (now go find out the meaning of sobriquet, huh?)

My blog is quite Gregory-style, without the cookies and rich overseas trip and blahblah dramamama. (I don't even know this guy.)

So if you can find my blog, tag! Then I'll know. Then I'll consider the prize.

-end of publicity advert-

the question of worth.

2008-10-19T12:17:00.003+08:00

I think I understand now.

When your attitude is questioned, your integrity compromised, your worth doubted,it is natural to want to seek out reassurance, someone who, with an unjudging hand, brushes away your moment of weakness.

But it shouldn't be an addiction.

Nor should it be a big lie. It's sad living in a lie. Sadder if you're the one lying.

just something la.

2008-10-15T23:02:00.002+08:00

I think I'm going to adopt this attitude:

I don't mind if you bitch about me, as long as it's not true.

I know I sound like Gideon, but if it is true, do let me hear it.

***

I don't know about other people... but when I do say things about other people, I don't mind repeating it in front of them.

I hope my friends do the same.

***

Anyway, just disillusioned about people.

This post is also too fragmented to be called a post, but who cares.

spotlight.

2008-10-13T23:59:00.002+08:00

RE: Poor service of Spotlight cashier

Dear whoever who has the power to sack that woman,

Have you ever seen a grape? Full, supple and juicy? Yes? Good.

Now, have you ever seen a raisin? Over ripened, shrunk and acrid? Yes? Thus, we shall now therefore refer to the cashier as "The Raisin".

I wish to report my dissatisfaction of the service of the aforementioned cashier when I was doing my part as a responsible, paying customer at your exalted Spotlight outlet, at Plaza Singapura on 13th October 2008.

Procuring for materials for a personal project, my friends and I enquired at the counter about the price of a stack of wooden doorhangers, which was not labelled with a price tag. We clearly stated our intentions, in the statement, "How much is this?"

Unfortunately, The Raisin reared her ugly head and proceed to ask my company and I to pay for the entire stack of said wooden doorhangers. Taken aback, as we merely requested a price check, we declined and informed her that we did not say that we want the whole stack. Furthermore, we have not decided to purchase that certain product of your outlet.

In response to our deliberation on this matter, The Raisin shot us a countenance of pure dislike with her shrivelled facade, and loudly proclaimed in the most crass of manner, that the product in question is "very popular" and therefore, required our immediate purchase, lest she bought it as snacks for herself.

This stellar example of service greatly enhances my future motivation as an avid shopper of Spotlight products.

Thank you for your feedback on my feedback in advance, since I don't want to reply to your expected bureaucratic email.

Yours sincerely,
A loyal customer

***

Anyway, I just realized the obscene amounts of work I have to do after exams.

1) Thanks to Tee Zhuo, I'm now expected to write the most kick ass cleaning procedure for my section, which is thankfully not as complicated as a clarinet but still a pain in the neck because brass instruments can be washed. Tee Zhuo is doing his sneaky enthusiasm act again.

2) The sec4 farewell preparations. Even as I write this, I can imagine how grateful my seniors are going to be. I'm so very certain that people are going to say, "Since you guys are so sick of it, don't plan it la. I don't mind. I want go HCJC band now!" I have a half a mind not to do anything - but no, we're going to organize the most awesome farewell. Can't care about complaints if I do my job right.

3) NCO play script! Haven't got the chance to do anything yet.

4) English debate on pre-marital sex.(I'm proposition! Gonna show the Madtv video with Avril Lavigne I think)

5) Section stuff

6) Band prac

7) P5 camp!

***

Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

before i quit.

2008-10-12T21:55:00.002+08:00

Re: Naming of the MRT Station @ HCI
From: HON CHIEW WENG 11-10-08
To: All Students
Dear Students,

Following the announcement of the 12 stations along the alignment of
Downtown Line Stage 2 on 15 July 08, the Land Transport Authority
(LTA) has invited the public to contribute suggestions for the names
of the nine Downtown Line 2 (DTL2) stations. Three names were chosen
for each station for this public polling exercise.

The three names proposed for the station right in front of our
school are: Duchess, Watten and Kah Kee.

LTA has decided that no MRT station would be named after a school.
Although the station is built on our land, they are not prepared to
name it Hwa Chong Station. Hence we feel that the next best thing we
could do is to try to name it after our founder Mr Tan Kah Kee, who
bought this piece of land for our use about 90 years ago. All of you
have benefited from his vision and generosity, I hope you would
agree with me that we should honour him by naming the station "Kah
Kee Station".

LTA is currently seeking public opinion on the final proposed name
for the station, at http://talk2lta.lta.gov.sg (Click "Surveys").
The closing date for the public polling is 30 October 2008.

Pls invite your parents to participate in this voting exercise as
well.

Thank you.

Hon

***

Actually, I prefer the name "Duchess" than "Hwa Chong" or even "Kah Kee".

Duchess. Duchess. Doesn't that sound infinitely more posh, more royal, and less cumbersome than "Kah Kee"?

I bet the MRT station would blast Fergie songs all day. They might even invite her to do her gig there! But if you name it "Kah Kee Station", I bet Hwa Chong would want to erect another black statue of Tan Kah Kee there.

It's so egoistic, trying to claim a station to yourself. I honestly don't understand how Mr. (I mean, Dr.) Hon could think that writing Although the station is built on our land, they are not prepared to name it Hwa Chong Station. is not a humongously bigoted sentence to write, in display of the awesome Hwa Chong Communist Spirit.

I am, however, surprised that the station is built on the land of the Hwa Chong Kingdom. I wonder which part of the land are they going to erm, donate? I think it'll be really funny if they built an underpass right under and make the exit smack in the middle of the field. Then the javelin people would start hunting down those disobedient commuters who refuse to pledge obeisance to the God of Kah Kee.

I love my neo-Nazi empire, er, I mean, school. I hope they don't put me in a concentration camp, er, I mean, level assembly.

me too.

2008-10-08T23:03:00.000+08:00

I want to private my blog. Is that advisable?

Open to comments.

another prediction.

2008-10-01T22:45:00.002+08:00

Istana was quite exciting. There were cute primary school kids playing in the band (not bad la) and people marching around and interesting gifts from other countries and posh-looking stuff.

The grounds were also huge and resembled a goft course.

I made a lot of presidential jokes which should not be retold, for fear of legal repercussions.

After that I had fun at Daiso and Spotlight at PS, buying random stuff like cancerous hats and charcoal facewash.

***

Though it was really a fun day, it kinda went off when I logged on to the net.

Feels kinda flat.

I think I'm still going to school tomorrow. Even if people think I'm extra. I will sit down carefully, because people are pretty raw nowadays and you don't want to step on their nerves.

Yeah maybe I'll practice my instrument for a little bit. I've neglected it way too much. The sound might be jarring to some.

Then after they've gone off to sit for their bio exam (which I don't qualify for), I'll go to that cafe and be at a window seat.

Maybe order a hot chocolate drink, and a cookie.

Then I'll start thinking on what I want to do. But one thing I know is right: this isn't a right time to do anything. We should wait till the ants crawl off us, then start to talk. I've always wanted peace, even if sometimes it seemed like I was never the peacemaker.

Truth. Is it that elusive?

I know the truth. The whole, terrible, truth. As much as I don't want to have anything to do with it, I know I can't escape the inevitable responsibility.

The truth is... I can't stand the truth. But it doesn't mean that I won't try. I know I've been trying. So hard too.

I'll leave more for myself to think, when I do fulfil this prediction, at the window seat of the cafe.

Meanwhile, please think only the best of me.

conversation in the shower.

2008-10-01T09:36:00.002+08:00

Conversation in the shower

"Eh what's wrong with you? Your exams over leh. Shouldn't you be happy?"

"No la. I'm not really celebrating 'cause my friends are still having their exams. And besides, I planned to do some stuff after exams. Will be quite busy loh. P5 camp, possible band concert, NCO camp, and I want to try some new things."

"Wor, busy man ar you."

"Aiya... just some things to occupy my time. Or else I'll feel bored, or worse, emo."

"You already sound emo. Actually because I'm your alter-ego, I already know you're emo. What gives?"

"Nothing much, just the usual I-don't-know-why-my-friends-hate-me stuff. I'm pretty discouraged to be nice to them when they aren't."

"Oh, like what?"

...
...
...

".... so it's like that lor."

"Oh."

"Sometimes I really have no idea what stupid part of me still thinks that best friends are really forever."

"You have to work hard la."

"Yeah, maybe it's my fault that I didn't give my friends all my attention."

"Maybe. Friendship goes two ways."

"So what should I do now? Abandon those bad debts, and seek out fresh mistakes to make? Like what I always do?"

"You know you can try to repair."

"It's difficult. And it might not work. And I might get battered up."

"Are your friends worth it?"

"I don't know."

***

Btw, going to Istana (the only reason why I'm taking a shower this early on a Public Holiday.)

It's only open on selected days of the year. My first time there!

Ciao.

a prediction.

2008-09-29T22:13:00.003+08:00

I envision myself at 10.29 am tomorrow.

The fan blows coldly. I pull my jumper closer to myself. I start keeping my pens, and the calculator. Thank you for working over these two weeks.

I check my paper - a futile attempt, really. Who checks a blank paper?

I look into the invigilator's eyes. They reflect the second hand of the class clock. Black on reflective black, like a snake in the water.

And just before the the second hand reunites with twelve, and as the invigilator says, "Stop writi-"

I ask myself - What have you done?

no one dares posts anything.

2008-09-28T09:16:00.001+08:00

Since no teachers have posted anything remotely funny, I have to post something on my own (oh well).

Hmmm. Okay let's talk about what I do when I study.

The venue is important. I cannot, for reasons too obvious, study at home. (Actually I can, but I've psycho-ed myself to think that way.) So studying becomes quite an expensive business, because I have to constantly seek out quiet places to do my work.

No, not quiet. I just need a desk, some decent leg space, and my earphones. Then I'll order something (which shouldn't be too expensive), and start reading on my materials. After eating I'll start making notes (which are tedious, but can be entertaining. If I have the time, I'll post some of it up after exams. They're filled with comics and doodles and random commentaries.)

Different fastfood chains have different ambiences:

Subway
Ooh I like this one. The food is good, though I always stumble at the counter with indecision (eg, "Hmmm what's the difference between Italian and Hearty Italian? Erm how many sauces am I supposed to add? Oh my God no olives! No olives!"). The ambience isn't bad, especially if you sit beside a window seat. Oh yes, the importance of a window seat: you can stare at passers-by when you're bored, and if someone wants to hook you up you'll look like an artsy type. Subway has free refills too.

McDonalds'
I once got kicked out of Macs for studying there. End of commentary.
Okay no la it's okay but I'm pretty sick of Mac food and you can't really find seats. Plus, there will be rules-oriented lesbian grandmas ordering you around, and kicking you out if you bring outside food and stuff.

MOS Burger
Eh actually I haven't studied there before leh. But I think it should be okay. Especially with the orgasmic Ichigo Bliss (this frozen strawberry with ice-cream inside) - I think it should keep me awake. I shall try to study there later.

Burger King
Sorry, no commentary. I don't patronize this outlet after I puked my last BK meal out.

Starbucks
By far my favourite studying place, but it's also damn ex! And actually isn't much I can drink there - caffeine intolerance makes me nauseous afterwards. And the tables are pretty small... I don't know why I like it there. Maybe it's because of it's superb ambience - makes me feel high class.

Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf
Never studied there before, but the corec people always go there for our gatherings (when is the next one?). The frappucinno isn't bad. (Frap is probably the only thing I can drink - it's probably all sugar and ice with a liiiiiitle bit of caffeine).

If I'm broke, or I can't decide where to go, I'll hop onto a bus which goes to a faraway place (which is like 28, which goes to Tampines, or 88, Pasir Ris) from Toa Payoh and I'll just read my notes. I get giddy if I read stuff on vehicles though, so I'll read for a while, then stare at scenery. Oh, I must sit on the upper deck - it's more interesting this way. You get to see a large amount of people on the bus, like couples snogging, pitiful-looking Dad-and-Daughter, improper old man with young maid, etc, etc.

It's much more interesting than what Huiyao does: studying in front of the TV.

Okay I should be studying now... Cya ppl around.

(Hahahaha now my blog has the most interesting post amidst the blog circles I frequent.)

(Then again, that isn't something to be happy about. Sigh.)

and to show our gratititude...

2008-09-24T21:01:00.001+08:00

Dear all,

Attached are worksheets on atmosphere and Periodic Table.
Try before you check the answers.

Thanks (in fact you should thank me)

Mr. Kong

close friend.

2008-09-23T21:49:00.004+08:00

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:33 PM):
okay can i ask you something?

zhengyu says (9:34 PM):
yea?

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:34 PM):
do you think i was too harsh in my treatment to liangjun?

zhengyu says (9:36 PM):
erm
u juz denied his existence really...
i didnt know much
wad did u do?

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:36 PM):
i didn't really deny his existence
he sorta disappeared.

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:37 PM):
after our last squabble, which was about me not treating edwin well
i didn't try to look for him
initially i wanted to, but pride stopped me. then indifference did.

zhengyu says (9:38 PM):
not treatin edwin well... is tt part of the reason why ur not talkin to him?

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:38 PM):
er. him is edwin or liangjun?

zhengyu says (9:38 PM):
edwin
and maybe liangjun

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:38 PM):
ya la

zhengyu says (9:39 PM):
since edwin was close to lj
omg
im psychic
...
anyway

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:39 PM):
the ironic thing was edwin tried to patch up with me
and... i didn't know what to say to him

zhengyu says (9:40 PM):
i dont tink both of u did anything wrong. and edwin is juz an innocent party really. although it is true tt i also feel tat suddenly there is no such person named Ong Liang Jun in my life anymore

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:40 PM):
on one hand i blame him for sorta disrupting (or destroying) my friendship with liangjun
but... honestly he's not at fault la

zhengyu says (9:40 PM):
that the previous SL was nothing but a figment of my imagination
edwin?

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:40 PM):
ya
edwin

zhengyu says (9:40 PM):
yes

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:40 PM):
liangjun... an enigma really

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:41 PM):
the strange thing is that usually i'll be concerned and go look for him
but now... i don't know why i don't bother.
or lack the motivation to.

zhengyu says (9:41 PM):
the fire juz went out?

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:42 PM):
i can't tell
he seems rather surreal
more like a theme, or a wistful element in a poem
something intangible

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:43 PM):
i'm not sure whether my memories of him were imagined.

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:45 PM):
oh well
not sure why i'm discussing
but qf said i might hurt him.

jiasheng coruscation//strange days says (9:46 PM):
which... is now a rather strange concept
how do you hurt light? how do you hurt air?

i swear they're in cahoots.

2008-09-22T13:05:00.001+08:00

Dear all,

Attached is a brief summary of the topics covered this year.

The last two topics are not included in the summary. This doesn't
mean that they are not important. These two topics (periodic table
and Atmosphere) are important because they make up more than 20% of
the paper.
They are not included in the summary because the notes that I gave
you are already brief and easy to understand.

Don't take this summary as the bible, ok?
It's just a summary and should only acts as dessert, not the main
meal.
You should read your notes and your textbook. The summary is for you
to browse through before you enter the examination hall.

Good luck in your examination.

Thanks

Mr. Kong

how cute, mr yap!

2008-09-21T10:52:00.001+08:00

Dear all,

please remember to bring the following items for your exam:

1. Calculator
2. SHARP Pencils
3. PenSSSSS
4. Geometry Set - Compass, Protractor, Ruler
5. Flexible Ruler
6. Correction tape
7. Eraser
8. Others as you deem fit

Do arrange consultation with me should you require it next week. SMS
me at 97492701.

I will not reply when you:
1. SMS me after 10pm;
2. do not identify yourself.
3. harass me with multiple questions (if you have many questions,
it is better to clarify face-to-face

May the resultant force be with you,
Mr Yap

birthdayyyyy l boy l

2008-09-20T09:51:00.002+08:00

This post has been screened for reputation's sake. Not necessarily mine.

I'm fifteen, and I need to make my IC, after watching people get theirs done and lamenting why I'm born that late.

I just woke up and felt amazingly, incredibly good. But that was because I felt intensely horrible last night. I mean, everything was fine, I loved most of the day, but Zheng Yu drugged me with a Venti Americano and my caffeine intolerance made me feel like hell. It was like, I'm super tired, but thousands of caffeine particles were rushing though my brain and channelling through my veins and I was breathing out coffee breath.

So I was so relieved that I fell asleep at all.

(btw, it wasn't Zheng Yu's fault. We were at Starbucks studying and I conveniently forgot how I should never ever drink coffee because I get nauseous and sick. Americano is like... 100% unadulterated caffeine. I thought it was like frap when I ordered it.)

So anyway, the day started out okay. Until something happened to me, which is not mentionable.

Then I received other unmentionables from my friends, which I have to thank them for their concern for my lack of garments.

Thank goodness I can still depend on Zhenyang for a normal present.

The day went okay. I had fun talking rubbish with Zheng Yu after school and studying at Woodlands Starbucks.

***

I rather enjoy this birthday. It's not lavish, it's not elaborate. It's... ordinary. And I enjoy this ordinariness of it.

I didn't think of really extreme things. Some thoughts flashed across, but I just brushed them off softly. Perhaps they don't matter so much now.

What I had was this feeling that things might be worse, or they might be better. But they'll still go on. And I'll be able to face whatever's coming.

I thank all the people who've wished me a happy birthday, because I did - it was a subtle happiness. And please, do know that all of you contribute towards this.

Many things have happened since my last birthday, and some of those things have made me feel vulnerable. But I feel like I've been refreshed with a - no, not strength, but more of a - gentle tug towards whatever's coming my way. There is a familiarity and kindness in this confidence. It's like a quiet voice, barely within hearing range, just beside me all the time.

So there. I'll go through another year, and see what goes.

the happy birthday song

2008-09-18T23:42:00.003+08:00

While I'm counting down to my birthday, I do my matrices and functions revision.

Hmmm.

This year my birthday seems a bit non-descript. I don't think anything's gonna happen.

No fireworks.
No air ticket to Netherlands.
No fancy presents.
Not even a puny flasher to cheer me up.

Not that I look forward to one.

I can almost predict how tomorrow's going to be. Which is in a few hours.

I'll reread my list of resolutions. Read some enlightening poems. Whisper softly to myself, "Happy birthday", in the melancholic sort of way that Harry Potter does in the first book, then wryly wishing Hagrid will come through the door.

Then if I'm tired, I'll go to sleep. Or else I'll try to do more functions.

Then I'll wonder why I didn't write birthday notes like I did last year. Then I might decide to bake cookies, but would then decide against it.

I'll probably receive some smses. Then I'll reply "Thanks:)". In school I'll probably be in a good mood, so I won't really care if Josh is noisy, so I won't poke him in the back and ask him to shut up tiredly.

I'll just float through the day. Then in the afternoon I'll go somewhere to study (failingly probably). Then maybe go to a bookstore and buy a present for myself.

I might think of people. I might think of my past birthdays. I might wish for more company. I might be a loser and go home early to share my birthday cake with my mother, as I do every year. Not that I dislike it.

I'll sit quietly in lessons, enjoying a secret only I know. Although it is a hollow secret.

I don't know why I don't look forward to my birthday.

Maybe I've exhausted all my gifts already.

Happy birthday.

solace.

2008-09-18T04:34:00.002+08:00

I didn't spend my time doing homework, like I should. I retraced my steps.

Wednesday, 16th April 2008

This morning when I stepped into the band room, I knew something was wrong. Something about a group of juniors and batchmates sitting on the floor, listening to Sean and Huiyao preach about something.

Then Huiyao said, "Jiasheng, yesterday you and Liang Jun.." and I knew. I looked at Sean. I knew.

I spent the whole day brooding over it. Half the time I was angry at Sean, because how could he gossip some big and scandalous affair about me and his own section leader? (By the way, Sean doesn't look like it, but he's the bitchiest of the lot. He gossips about everything. I think it's influence from Huiyao. No offense to either of them.)

The other half I was worried about Liang Jun, because he's a good person and gossips in the band tend to go out of hand (I mean, Tee Zhuo is now a grandmother which me as his French maid and we have lesbian sex every night.)

Then I gave it a lot of thought and decided to let it go. I bitch and gossip about other people too. Why can't people derive some sick twisted fun (like I do) from making fun of me? It never feels good when you're at the receiving end of a joke, but they mean no harm. In fact, I think people should thank me from distracting the general populous from their own real scandalous affairs.

Right now, I'm just too embarrassed to go talk to Liang Jun anymore.

***

I think the line from 'Half a Soldier' by Alfian Sa'at is cool:

Sniffed in the intimate musk of stars.

And it is a terrible irony that I found solace in Alfian Sa'at's blog after all that have happened.

I find his poetry possessing a sensitive, fragile quality, as though if I read it aloud, it would shatter and fade. I could only read it in my head, slowly, carefully, breaking down his sometimes complex prose into individual words of beauty.

I haven't typed like this for a long while.

What an amazing person, I thought to myself.

I didn't do any work. But I can now. Because I think I got over it.

feeling guilty...

2008-09-17T20:31:00.003+08:00

Feeling guilty because...

- I'm being very slow at doing Maths and Physics stuff... didn't even touch Chemistry. I know I can't finish revising.

- And still I want celebrate my birthday in style (inclusive of fireworks spelling out my name, viewable nationwide)

- My mother has spent her 30th birthday giving birth to me, screaming in what I think must be a mix of pain and orgasm (in a disproportional ratio, of course), and all I bothered to buy was Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf coffee powder for her

- I've been sleeping so much and yet I still feel sleepy all the time

- Actually I don't feel like revising at all, because I can't do half the questions on my maths practice papers and it makes me just what to curl up in my Emo Corner and write emo poems

- Feeling lerthargic and useless

- And unproductive

- And keep thinking about the holidays

- Plus, I shouldn't be blogging right now

Rite of Spring by Seamus Heaney

So winter closed its fist
And got it stuck in the pump.
The plunger froze up a lump

In its throat, ice founding itself
Upon iron. The handle
Paralysed at an angle.

Then the twisting of wheat straw
into ropes, lapping them tight
Round stem and snout, then a light

That sent the pump up in a flame
It cooled, we lifted her latch,
Her entrance was wet, and she came.

... don't even ask me why.

s[uic]ide note

2008-09-16T21:15:00.002+08:00

Dear Random JC person,

Thank you for sitting in between me and Edwin today on the bus, so that I don't have to talk to him.

'Jiasheng

... because I really don't know what to say to him, really.

liar.

2008-09-15T01:05:00.003+08:00

"no need to get anything for my birthday la... just accompany me the whole day :)"

"yeah sure :)"

Liar.

//POST EMO EDIT

Okay, so it's not my birthday yet, so technically he hasn't lied. But I mean, if you extrapolate the graph, it's like...

Holy shit let's go study graphs!

Who needs emoness during exam period.

Don't give yourself an excuse.

a little relieved

2008-09-13T11:44:00.002+08:00

http://www.humoursenseupgrade.com/uploads/posts/1167218233_armpit.jpg

The worst thing about this is, I don't think it's photoshopped.

my routine

2008-09-11T01:54:00.002+08:00

Waking up at 5am, falling asleep in class, chewing eclipse mints to keep me awake, napping the whole afternoon away, waking up at 7 to watch TV and eat dinner, doing my internet stuff till 10pm, going to 24 hours McDonalds' to do homework and revision (studying for easy Chem test, finishing 1 Physics exam paper and 1 assignment and 1 IHC assignment) while eating McNuggets, going home at 1.15 am, yawning to Symphonic Overture and other nice band songs makes Jiasheng a happy boy.

Well, at least happier.

This is so going to become my routine. The sheer unhealthiness of it makes me high.

2008-09-10T20:55:00.002+08:00

Wikihow.com is an amazing website.

Just that it doesn't has an article for me.

This is a cool song.

I'm copying Huiyao: short posts with a video.

I mean, if you've got nothing better to say, why say it anyway?

thoughts on the singapore flyer

2008-09-07T23:23:00.003+08:00

On the last day of the September holidays, I went on the Singapore flyer.

It was really scary at first, but after a while you get used to it. I crawled to the glass door, where if you imagine, it would seem like there's no door at all, and you could fall down to the dazzling city below.

The cars look like ants with Christmas tree lights. They zoomed around the highways, all the Hondas, Toyotas, Porsches and Jaguars looking equally minute and insignificant. The buildings were solid beams of light into the sky, blinking their various insignias.

Somewhere, in this confusing whizz of lights and shapes, I can't help but wonder, where are you?

So there sat I, at the height of heights, wondering.

before we say anything.

2008-09-06T23:49:00.001+08:00

Before we say anything we'll regret, let's cool off for a while.

See you when we're ready.

trio.

2008-09-03T21:44:00.003+08:00

Okay I was totally going to blog about how much fun I had these two days, talking with really good euphonium players, who are all majors by the way, and talking about leadership stuff, how we should stay professional, discussing the best punishment (lol) (we decided that rewriting scores is the best), playing really fun music and random songs, having lunch together and laughing over the stupidest things.

Yeah, I had a lot of fun at NCO pre-camp, I won't deny that. But it makes me feel like Lionel (Tan), and I don't feel comfortable.

Lionel used to say that the NCO people are much more sincere, blahblahblah. And I thought that was bullshit, 'cause it doesn't mean that you can go off marrying the other NCO people just because the exco didn't work out.

But it's true. I feel more relaxed. More refreshed. Talking about major stuff, I feel like I'm getting back the passion that got me to do things for the band, which I've been losing these days.

These days, I function as BM because I need to. Running through the motions. I even feel tired of it sometimes; questioning my worth, not too sure of why I'm doing all these.

Now, I know I want to do it. Because I want to. Being around with competent players and leaders (who are much better than me), makes me aspire to want to be someone. To do something for my band.

I don't want tiresome quarrels. I don't want bitchy discussions. I don't want people to comment on my batch saying, "Oh, on the surface they do things, but actually they suck man."

I don't want to feel worthless as a BM. I don't to think negative thoughts (which I do a lot nowadays). I don't want to see things which go against my principles, yet I can't do anything about, except be resentful and wonder when things are going to be right again.

I want to do something!

I'm no Lionel. I don't feel the need to escape, and I won't use NCO pre-camp as a sad excuse because things aren't working out now. I'm going to use whatever I've learnt, and after we come back from exams we'll have a fresh start.

To whoever who's reading this now, and if it applies to you:
If I've done anything wrong, I'm sorry. Really. I'll forgive your faults. After exams, let's work together again. Work on a clean slate.

Jiayou, everyone.

p/s I don't think I deserve to thank everyone for the FY exchange, since I did nothing, but I really appreciate all your help, especially the guys who came early to help, and Qi Fan and Jie Xuan for settling a lot of work. Please take a good rest.

p/s/s Qi Fan, I'm sorry if I was uber mean (I know I was), because you are the one who suffered the most from the work, and I really did nothing at all, so I don't deserve to criticize you at all. I'm sorry.

interlude

2008-08-31T21:11:00.001+08:00

I spent the whole day mooching around, staring at the computer, randomly trying to play the piece Walter was playing, waiting for attendance.

I corresponded with qf with emails even though I know he's online. I was being rather mean, too. Somehow.

Started thinking about a lot of things. Since a long time ago.

I thought about how I was a nobody in sec 1. A horrible little twit with too much ego and too little knowledge of how things work. A little ugly boy with too much honesty and too much brashness. Too little tolerance and too much self-righteousness.

And I thought about how I changed.

I met friends. I befriended friends, severed ties with them, and became cold acquaintances. Sometimes we warmed up. Sometimes we just can't be bothered.

Thought about too many lies. Lies I told my parents, my friends, myself.

Thought about friends who weren't really friends. Thought about how selfish relationships can be. Thought about happy times - and how those times make me feel utterly miserable now.

Thought I was the problem. Thought I wasn't.

Thought that I'm really lucky. And I'm really not.

Thought I had the respect I wanted. Thought that I could lost everything at once. And thought that I didn't really want all that respect, after all.

Thought about my seniors.

Remembered how I was mean to them, and they were mean to me. Remembered Luther told me to wait for my year. I never did.

I apologized to some of them. Others I never did. But most I hate all the same, even the ones I apologized to.

Thought about Edwin. I don't really know him. He deserves all my respect. But somehow I don't give him any. I don't hate him.

Thought about Jie Xuan. Ups and downs. I won't forget what he did, even if he does. Or did.

Thought about Qi Fan. Or Qifannn. I don't know what to call him. He was my closest friend, in a way. It was just that I wasn't his.

Thought about my more ordinary friends. I like them.

Thought about exco. They deserve a better leader than me. They are wonderful people. Cooperative. Non-complaining. Smart, funny. Great company.

Thought about Melissa Lai. She's hardworking. And efficient. And sincere.

Thought about the person. Wonders who he is. And what I'll do when I finally know.

Thought about Liang Jun. And feels sorry for him, and myself. I shouldn't expect him to be a friend who cares when I say, "I'm okay la" too quickly.

Thought about what I've done. Thought about what I'm doing, and not doing.

And didn't want to think anymore.

Japan trip... finally

2008-08-23T11:32:00.002+08:00

Since I've owed the Japan trip post for a long long time, and even though I'm supposed to study for my physics test next week, I'm just too lazy and I shall post all the 505 pictures I have.

Er. No. I won't.

Anyway, so I was pretty hyped up about the trip, and on the day I left I took a screwed up Chinese test because I didn't understand what I was writing and straight after that, took a chemistry test (which Mr. Kong said he'll be especially lenient with me, which he did, A1 yay!) then went home to pack.

Five minutes before I left the house, half my luggage was still strewn all over the house.

Anyway it was a rainy night and my mum and I took a taxi there. There was a jam and I used the time to reply Shimin about the keys and blahblahblah. Still pretty worried about the band.

Soon reached T3! First time I've been there - I was expecting some real cool skyline ceiling technology thingies after being deceived by all the advertisements on Time but just found random metal plates there.

Flight info, with our flight no. SQ638

The infamous metal plates

One of the many many many jiexuan-qifannn photos to come

Roommates being bored waiting for our flight

Some other people from the trip - (from right) Chen Fang, Alvin, Edward (If I'm not wrong la)

By the way, thanks for all the smses that you guys sent me before I left. Not so much thanks for people asking me about last minute stuff xP

Huiyao and I were talking crap while we were waiting for the plane. So we randomly sang "The hills are alive" when we didn't know what to say.

Anyway, was super bored when we were on the plane waiting for it to take off. I gave up trying to learn new Japanese words on the screen:

This was the screen on the flight we took back home, because I didn't have my camera when we were flying to Japan

And I sorta fell into an uneasy sleep when we took off. Had gastrics in the middle of the night, but just huddled beside Huiyao (whom I think is a seasoned traveler) and waited for it to go away.

Finally, we reached Narita Airport

People who evade the camera

And Bo Xiang, who doesn't. He is the most photo-eager person I know, who does it being being camwhorish. I don't know how he does it

Told you so

Yep, Narita International Airport

Loading our stuff on the bus, to our hotel

RANDOM JAPAN SCENERY

This is the Disneyland Resort, btw... Huiyao told me

Everyone was tired (actually for many of the days later, because the bus rides were so long and the days so tiring, the bus sorta became our sleeping place)

MORE random scenery

Ahem

Random Huiyao photo, who was my roommate and sat beside me most of the times on bus ride, leaving Bo Xiang quite lonely indeed

Jiexuan claims it's his restaurant

Some of the millions of vending machines in Japan

Aaaaaand finally we reached our hotel:

Called E-Hotel, please don't ask me why

Btw, it's the first day of the hotel's opening... so we're the first guests! ..who left a great impression, thanks to huiyao's handiwork. More about that later.

At the lobby, aka the camwhore area:

The counter, where every night I'll say "san byaku jyusan" (313, which is my room number) and they'll give me the card key

The cafe at the hotel, which caters our very boring breakfast of sandwiches and bananas and a drink

After we booked in, we (meaning the hwachong clique) went for our first meal in Japan, which was...

Ahem

I bought the juicy chicken meal, which was NOT available in Singapore! Yayness

Btw, I think MacDonald staff speak a universal language:
1) What do you want? (You point to the menu)
2) Upsize? (You say 'hai'(yes))
3) Your drink? (You point to menu again)
4) Eat in or out? (You choose)

Macs wasn't bad. Jiexuan said the coke taste different, but I'm no coke connoiseur. Fries are totally crunchier though.They don't droop when you lift them.

And after our meal, we discovered the first most amazing thing about Japanese people:

There's this bin in MacDonalds', and you're supposed to separate your plastic cup cover, straw, straw wrapping (which is made of paper), uneaten food, food wrappings, unfinished drink and ice into various categories. In simpler terms, you dissect your rubbish.

More vending machines

Vending machines selling cigarettes

Which are AMAZINGLY cheap. 300 yen is less than 5 SGD

Earthquake escape plan. Unfortunately, or fortunately, we didn't experience any.

Higashi-shinjuku station. (East Shinjuku station)

Heh-heh.

So after that we went to the East Shinjuku Station to take a train to Asakusa (浅草). The tickets are quite cool: it's this slip of paper, where you slot into the machine and take it from this thingy that pops the ticket out. Erm, hard to explain.

The ticket I was talking about. Btw, the ticket is later recycled to make... more tickets. How typical of Japanese.

Do you see these signs in Singapore? Nooooo.

A very simplified version of a train system (there's definitely more than one) in Japan. If you get one of the maps at the station, it looks like a multi-coloured spider web. Wait, I have a picture of one of those:

Scary, no?

Famous Japanese tunnels. I still remember ghost stories about them.

And the train arrives. Looks like the Singapore version actually.

Okay so on the train there are like priority seats and courtesy seats. It's like those seats at the corner of the MRT trains.. I don't have clear pictures of them. But as Singaporeans, what do we do?

We sit on them la. And yes, ahem.

The train system there is supposed to be REALLY crowded, but luckily for us it wasn't the peak hour. We still had to stand, though. (Some of us la)

So we reached Asakusa... And boy was it hot.

You see that yellow thing in the distance? Not the 3 yellow thing, but the weird irregular shape thingy. Turns out that it's a piece of golden shit (yes. yes. yes.) and it won some prize for creativity.

=.= Japanese.

And it's huge okay. Think it's about the size of the Esplanade Merlion.

Anyway, we reached the Lantern Place. No, it's not called that, but I forgot what it's called xP

Lemme check.

Sensoji Temple is the oldest temple in Tokyo It was founded in 628 and was restored after burned down by the Great Kanto Earthquake in 1923 and during World War II. This temple is dedicated to Kanzeonbosatsu (Buddhist goddess of mercy) and is also called Asakusa Kannon. A large and red lantern hung at kaminari-mon gate is well-known.

http://gojapan.about.com/od/asakusaareaattraction/p/sensojitemple.htm

The famed lantern.

Yay the hwachong boys (in red) have been to Tokyo! (Apparently it's one of those "must-go" tourist spots.)

Then we went to the shopping street behind the lantern, which is like Bugis Street, but much cleaner, cooler and infinitely more Japanese.

So anyway, I bought an ice-cream because it was still super hot. I deleted the picture of me licking it because it's super disgusting.

Shopping street

More.

Oh ya thanks Bo Xiang for lending me batteries when my camera went dead.

One of the shops with the money cat thingy.

Oh I must tell you that it's impossibly clean on the shopping streets - NO litter at all, for the size of a shopping district in Orchard Road. And the impossible thing is - there are no rubbish bins. It's super rare to find one la.

Later Don, the tourguide would tell us that Japanese people just kept their rubbish in their own bags...

Amazing no?

Anyway before I knew that Huiyao and I were looking for rubbish bins. So I asked one of the shopkeepers.

ME: (In very broken Japanese) Where is the rubbish bi-
SHOPKEEPER: Ah, give me that (politely snatches rubbish from me and throws it in the shop's bin)

I was utterly dumbfounded. Then I realized that maybe Japanese EAT their rubbish. It's a delicious source of food to them.

-terminates crap-

It was a long long while before we found a rubbish bin.

It looks like a shrine.

No comments.

Random pictures:

Someone said these are Gideons. Joking only la.

Ninjas!

We were deciding to buy the ugliest mask for Teezhuo, until our conscience stopped us.

Speaking of conscience, Huiyao bought cheapo ear-diggers for his section:

Waving them proudly.

Then we took a train to this shopping district, where we went to Kinokuniya (I finally learned the Kanji name), ABC mart, where it had a lot of cheap shoes, random places.

L. Siao made me memorize the names of the group when I was on the train.

There's this funny sign on the train:

It says, please do it at the beach.

Random pictures:

ABC mart.

Real complicated roads.

I think that's the Jap equivalent of "Last discount"

Kinokuniya, which is a whole building with like 6 floors. There were elevator girls who just repeated stuff over and over in that cute voice.

Creepy.

Girl: Which floor are you going to sir?
You: Erm... 4th.
Girl: Going to 4th floor! Please stand to the back to allow people to move in. Please take care not to touch the doors!
You: Erm...
Girl. 4th floor now!

Add in the cute Jap accent, and you'll get what I mean.

I think this is LV, with the theme "Hysteria Collection"

100 yen shop

A whole shop full of arcade vending machines

Dinner was at:

Don't ask me what the words mean - I think it's a name

You're supposed to put coins inside a vending machine, where it'll give you a coupon. You give the coupon to the staff inside and they'll bring you your food.

The food is okay la

Them ordering

The signs are really cute lor

I think Japan is the real city of lights. Though I've never been to Paris la

Skies darkening. Which means neon coming on

Say hello

Bo Xiang doing some weird face. I realize he has a talent for it.

Anyway I have a knack for bringing the HCI peeps into weird, secluded places.

There was this sleazy looking sign that says "Comic book shop at 3rd Level" so I was like saying "Hey, let's go up and see!"

The others were like "Noooo... it looks weird."

But anyway I dragged them up AND once we enter there were like big posters of busty manga characters. The book titles were all like "Lust", "Temptation", "I love my brother" or something.

We ran the hell out of there. Which was lol.

Wanxin, my classmate, told me to post pictures of sunset. I couldn't get good ones.

We walked back to the hotel, which was like a 30 minutes walk. WE passed through a shinto shrine:

Yeah when we got to the hotel Mr. Phua made me collect for him (for the train ticket which he paid for first).

Fell asleep after watching Olympics, with Japanese commentary.

***

Anyway, this is what I'll blog for now, because even to get this far (2nd day) it's with VERY IRRITATING computer breakdowns and stuff. So yes this is part I. Actually I think this is the most interesting day.

Erm okay. These few days have been eventful. Good seeing teachers again.

***

Every time I see "And I hate you." on people's blogs I'll think it's me. And I really think so.

And I shouldn't think like that anymore. Because I remind myself that I'll just do my part. If other people don't do theirs, I can't do anything.

***

Sorry guys for the long long lag in posting.

LALALA.

2008-08-16T20:37:00.004+08:00

Yes, just a post to say I'm back and emo.

I have no idea how I'm going to upload all the pictures (300++, since Boxiang took some which I'm too lazy to) and blog a decent post, finish all my overdue homework by sabbatical week (which is making me very very frustrated), get over my emoness because ( ahem ), chiong chem ace which I hope is still applicable because I have none and I WANT AN EXEMPTION, since I'm actually eligible for it (tests-wise).

Sigh.

Sigh sigh sigh.

Anyway, those with their huge collection of music (both band and pop is fine), please pass it to me, since I lost mine after I had to reformat my computer and Edwin was being mean and didn't want it to send it to me again.

Sigh.

SIGH.

Okay I know you're not here to listen to my sighs. So. Nice song!

ARGHHHHH

2008-08-05T23:34:00.001+08:00

I have never hated literature so much.

tired.

2008-08-02T23:00:00.002+08:00

Things are waiting for me to be done. I'm going to pack while waiting for Mrs. Lai's email.Meanwhile everyone please practice for Machu Picchu. And.. have a good rest. And.. study for your tests.

And of course start saving up for my birthday, which is 19th September.

No la, don't buy me anything. I just want Zhengyu to stop stealing my people. And for.. stuff.

SIGH.

Speaking of which, birthdays are coming up loh. Teezhuo, Weiqi, Wangzhi. I must start saving up.. But I don't think I can. I keep spending money on random things like.. Pocari Sweat.

Anyway, I was pretty angry at my parents today, because they dragged me out on a beautiful Saturday morning and sent me back home again (for no apparent reason, mind you), when I could have used the time to rot in front of the computer.

Which was pretty much the reason why I was sulking all the way when my mum brought me out to buy some stuff I'm bringing to Japan.

Actually, did I even mention I'm going to Japan? I didn't right. YAY I'm going to Japan. But no, I'm not particularly excited about it now, at this moment. Maybe it'll come later. Right now I'm just irritated and restless because I NEED to map out what's going on during my absence.

But yeah anyway bought random stuff and borrowed the rest.

Oh and the exchange rate is quite.. unsatisfactory. 23,000 yen for 300 SGD. ~~I can't even buy a blown up astro boy fetish doll with that!~~

I'm such a spoilt little boy.

***

Tag replies! (Long time since I did this) (Just read the green words, because I'm too lazy to arrange them in order) (so please read in reverse order)

2 Aug 08, 21:06
qifannn: yeah there you go! or should i say inch?
2 Aug 08, 21:06
qifannn: so i'm tagging abit more. like how you go the extra mile.
2 Aug 08, 21:06
qifannn: and the video's blocking the tag which is why i blogged a long and meaningless post
2 Aug 08, 21:06
qifannn: and Q's thinking the same thing that S is thinking. i'm thinking other things, too.
1 Aug 08, 17:49
duxuan: omg that video is traumatizing ><>it's addictive.
1 Aug 08, 00:01
walter: omg chainsaw maid.. zzzzzzzzz! (chainsaw sound)
31 Jul 08, 18:04
zig": omg cool vid.............. backstage assassination now!
31 Jul 08, 13:26
zy: cool. i wanna buy one chainsaw maid too..=/ now available in all leading mirrors.
30 Jul 08, 21:33
zig": meanwhile, ur not useless, just to let you know. i know i'm not. i'm just a hindrance.
30 Jul 08, 21:33
zig": will wait till i get my msg for this term yah, we will drink miso soup.
30 Jul 08, 21:33
zig": but i wont quit. since u say im so valuable. good pseudo major. fetch!
30 Jul 08, 21:33
zig": haha i should be the one quitting. cos you can replace my job and xb can be saxas sl. i can't crap as well
30 Jul 08, 21:32
zig": ur story very obvious leh. it's not true enough, though.
29 Jul 08, 18:55
zig": sorry. nothing to be sorry about. you have your rights.
29 Jul 08, 18:55
zig": although i bet you are.. yes really, i'm not.
29 Jul 08, 18:54
zig": anw, hope u dun feel angry/pissed abt me being "neutral" honestly, i'm not.
29 Jul 08, 18:54
zig": hope u talk soon. its een quite boring cos i dont really dare to approach you. find some other more reliable entertainers, then.
28 Jul 08, 21:48
people: care you know yeah, just that sometimes i need my time alone.
28 Jul 08, 21:48
you: think too much.try to eep your life more simple well it's not my fault that my life is complicated
28 Jul 08, 21:42
tz: who extracted whatever frm my blog and dumped it here? anw, cheer up js =) yeah i will

Why are people so fascinated with the chainsaw maid? Hmmmm.

horror maid.

2008-07-31T05:06:00.000+08:00

my life is pretty much absurd.

2008-07-30T21:02:00.002+08:00

Alright. Here's the deal.

There's this person, S. Really weird guy, lemme tellya. Okay, so this guy S, he used to have this very close friend, Q. Talks about all kinds of stuff, them. Then there's also this guy, X, who happens to be even closer friends with Q. Not that S is jealous or anything, but all of them S, Q and X (along with a random person whom we shall call H) are working on this project, and Q and X are always discussing things by themselves, which makes S quite uncomfortable. Also, their project mentor, whom we shall call M, is totally in non-talking terms with S now, because of some certain reason which both of them don't quite agree on.

So S thinks, why am I even in this project?

Why? Q and X and handle it well. Why do they need S then? Maybe having a useless member on the team (whom the mentor hates) will just bring the project down.

So S thinks. Why don't I quit?

apologize

2008-07-28T20:43:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry to Huiyao, Teezhuo and whoever who was concerned today. I was downright rude and tactless today. I'm really sorry.

I try to put up a smile, but every time the person walks away the smile fades off into a weary sigh.

judgement.

2008-07-27T20:32:00.003+08:00

Homework. I don't want to do it. Though it's literature. I'm too lazy to wax lyrical anymore. Can't think of enough fluid sentence structures, so I shall leave it alone.

And I certainly do not want to do the chinese reflections thingy.

I'm still pretty much confused about these few days. Too much things have happened. I try to think back the week, but I just can't remember what had happened. The exchange we had - it was this week? It seemed very long ago.

I'm always thinking about one thing or another. And now I'm thinking: what do people expect of me? Because these days, the words responsibilities and duty come into mind.

Who is the Jiasheng that people expect?

Should I even conform to what people want me to do? Or just do what I feel is right?

What is right any more? Maybe what I think is "right" was grossly wrong after all.

***
Okay since people keep saying I'm always secretive, I'll shall reveal my recent woes in the forms of quotes and random soundbites.

***
From The Kite Runner:

There is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft....When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness.

***
From The Crucible, pg. 51:

Elizabeth: Then why do you anger with me when I bid you break it?

Proctor: Because it speaks deceit, and I am honest! But I'll plead no more! I see now your spirit twists around the single error of my life, and I will never tear it free!

***
The blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

Dinah Craik, in A Life for a Life (1859)

***

The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution.

Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, written by J. K. Rowling
***

Happy guessing.

333rd post

2008-07-26T23:15:00.002+08:00

333rd post! And yay 8000 plus hits. Not that I care a lot xP

Okay actually I'm really tired. Watched Dark Knight with Huiyao, Zhengyu and Teezhuo yesterday. Was at JBF the whole day today.

Somehow every time after some certain event my hits shoot up. (Eg. band camp, term starts)

I really dunno what to type actually. These few days have been fleeting. Tests. Screwed up tests. Overdue homework. And a lot of bitchy bickering.

Congrats to people who have won something, like erm band competitions.

I mean.. hope the other concert went well today.

I hope the sec1s had fun today. You people pwnz!

Okay I don't really say that in real life.

Okay I'm saying too many okays.

Shall come up with random facts.

Like, I love First Love, which Huiyao sent me. Very cool sax solo.

I really want to have a fun concert!

Where you know, the MCs tell really cool jokes, and we all dance, with really good music.

Oh yeah. I'm sorry if you felt offended last night. It wasn't what I meant. But I know I'm at fault.

So yeah. Shakes hand and make peace.

This post is so fragmented.

Backdoor stages, rushing staff
Slides beside you in a liquid rush
The hall mutters, the lights come on
Splashing on the clarinets and horns
A performance in due, the skipping beat
Curious mix of icy heat.

Confidence,
slips in, twisting and turns.

The curtains go down
But the song was still in the head
Clutching pieces of sound
Willing it not to fade.

Watching from the floor, not making a sound,
I just hope you've enjoyed yourself.

censored!

2008-07-24T18:40:00.002+08:00

Isn't it kind of difficult when there are things you always want to mention on your blog, but you can't? I know it may be hard to believe me now, since I'm always posting crazy things, but I do practise a lot of censorship. For the sake of many things.

So yes, I originally wanted to start this post with "WHY THE HELL ARE SO MANY PEOPLE MAKING THEIR BLOG PRIVATE." But I guess I understand. I'm a horrible and hypocritical person, so I'm constantly having something mean and critical to say about others. I used to be about to do that all the time on my blog (which includes a lot of seniors, whom I still hate now x)) but I can't do that now.

I like to think of my blog as my official jiasheng fanclub website. Y'know, JSFC. So you can get my official thoughts. But my private ones would be between myself and I.

So don't blame me for not sharing okay! File-sharing is wrong! Besides, if I tell you all my secrets, you'll probably EXPLODE.

p.s. please add me @ jiasheng.hwachong@gmail.com! on MSN. I'm too lazy to add everyone. I still use the waxball account, but as soon as the people I talk to add me, I'm switching over.

p.s.s. I'm not using bold on my blog anymore, because it comes up all whited up and funny.

p.s.s.s. I'm really joking about the JSFC, please don't mention it to me anymore.

sorry huiyao.

2008-07-23T21:07:00.002+08:00

jiasheng coruscation //<3 thai says (9:01 PM):
what's with the "hopefully i'll still be sc"

- <3 Ħćißáńđ™       hüïÿäõ    says (9:01 PM):
talking to edwin. abt sacrifices

jiasheng coruscation //<3 thai says (9:02 PM):
uh huh

- <3 Ħćißáńđ™       hüïÿäõ    says (9:03 PM):
like how i dun mind getting 6.0 msg while the band gets gwh and how that will get me sacked

- <3 Ħćißáńđ™       hüïÿäõ    says (9:04 PM):
and how i dun mind not being in exco when the band gets gwh

jiasheng coruscation //<3 thai says (9:04 PM):
that's so appealing. but it's crap. please don't do this to yourself. because i can't find a better sc than you, and we need you around

- <3 Ħćißáńđ™       hüïÿäõ    says (9:04 PM):
i mean, if god appeared and asked me to make a wish and he stated some terms and conditions, i'll just say either one

- <3 Ħćißáńđ™       hüïÿäõ    says (9:05 PM):
or maybe after syf when we get gwh, my results suddenly become normal. then maybe i'll get my job back

- <3 Ħćißáńđ™       hüïÿäõ    says (9:06 PM):
anw, its just sacrifices. its not whether the band needs me or not.
it's whether im willing to give up some of my pride and joy for greater joy. for the good of the band.
anw, sounds so cliche

We have a very special SC.

i agree

2008-07-21T19:58:00.002+08:00

People, let's just stop talking about the post thing.

Yah, forgive and forget. It was a moment of folly, just let it be. Personally I thought the band blog post was unnecessary (in the middle of a debate with Qifan right now). I agree with Qifan on his intentions, but it's such an obvious prod. So everyone please let the dust settle. Know enough to not do it again, but don't take it for further despisation.

We shouldn't bully Gideon anymore than we already have.

promise.

2008-07-20T12:03:00.001+08:00

These few days have been perturbing to the extreme.

Please give me some time. I'll get it sorted out and come back to eat monsters for breakfast.

2008-07-19T09:01:00.001+08:00

..nightmare.

killer

2008-07-18T04:07:00.002+08:00

It's around 4 in the morning now. I spent the last 2 hours baking TOXIC cookies.

I say toxic because they're loaded with sugar and chocolate chips, and they don't seem edible.

I've locked them up somewhere in my house. If any ants eat them they would be hooked to a minature dialysis machine.

Sigh. Even baking doesn't seem to help anymore.

it was never about me.

2008-07-15T20:10:00.002+08:00

Strangely that once you take on a seemingly pessimistic view on life, your life improves.

I've decided. It's so hard to expect things from other people. Why do so then?

Why do we expect friends to know us inside out, and them to lift us up when we're down, warm us when it's cold, and for them to be telepathic?

Why do we expect everyone to make our lives better, because we deserve such treatment, or because we're simply us?

To be realistic, everything boils down to this: it was never about you. Or me. We live in such convenient lies, that everyone owes us a living, and we expect to feel wonderful every day.

It's not true.

I've almost forgotten it's a constant struggle. It's easy to forget amidst easy company. We laugh, and the lead-lined troubles are gone.

Why did I let myself forget?

You can hope that your friends will help, or ask about you, or make you feel better. We're all priviledged to hope. But pray you, good people, don't ever, ever expect concrete things. Because whatever illusions you construct can never be too stable for actualization.

I shan't be needy. It pains me, but I won't expect anymore.

learn something new!

2008-07-14T20:51:00.003+08:00

Phrase I Invented Today: Temporary Attachment Amnesia

Definition: Y'know how every time you send an email with an attachment, you always forget the attachment? Which is pretty embarrassing, like for example you don't really like the person you're sending the email to, so you write a super clipped and impersonal email:

Dear [whoever],

Attached is the document you have been urgently requesting. Kindly peruse it.

Yours faithfully,

[your name]

Aaaaaaand. You forget the attachment. I mean if it's a friend I'll just send it with the attachment, then add a "paiseh... forgot to attach". But for nasty people which you don't like it's potentially embarrassing. I might just attach it in another email without saying anything, and blame it on my email server later.

***

On a happier technological note, I've discovered the Messenger Plus! It's almost like being converted, except that now God is MSN, and He Had Made Me See Colours.

I know, I'm super outdated, but my old version of MSN just shows me super big chunks of codes instead of the font stylistics and colours. But Zhengyu has shown me the holy link and I'm not longer blind!

It's crazily addictive.

***

Somehow I am contented today.

I went to make my ATM card, so I could finally withdrawn money to pay those kind folks who helped me in my time in need.

Then I went to cut my hair. And replenished my contact lens stock.

Borrowed two books from the library. Reached home, read till I fell asleep.

I'll love to attribute it to the lack of homework, but I guess this is how I like my life.

No tiring confrontations, no smses to look forward to. Just going by my own way, so I don't have to care about other people. I don't like to do what I'm told, I realized.

Maybe if you'll just let me walk my way, it'll be much easier for both of us.

I'll pretend to apologize, then actually stay subtly bitter, but I'll still laugh over it, and then one day I'll meet someone who wants to help me out of my 'problems', and the whole cycle repeats.

Don't we all love routine.

dazed.

2008-07-13T12:00:00.002+08:00

This morning I woke up, switched off my phone's flight mode so I could receive smses again. I switched it on last night so I won't be bothered by smses.

I replied to all the smses that needed replying.

Went on msn. Had random conversations.

Checked my email.

I got a new blogskin. Edited the codes a little. Then I signed up on band fusion and read some forum stuff.

Downloaded Opera.

Like many of us, a little dazed and emotionless right now.

hey band.

2008-07-12T21:28:00.002+08:00

Hey band,

Just a short one.

I just want to tell you... some inspirational stuff. But I can't think of any right now. The main essence is, I want to comfort you on just missing by 0.83% to a GwD, and I want to encourage you on doing better next time. I want the band to thrive after this, even if we're not reached our goals this time around. And as cliche as it sounds, we're so proud of you.

And I feel the music in you.

We have potential! C'mon, let's do it together for the next hurdle/high note/difficult rhythm.

'jiasheng.

p/s Sorry for the pretty short and seemingly meaningless post. Might post in detail later. Meanwhile, qifannn posted some very inspiration stuff on band blog, please go read. It's very touching.

p/s/s Thank you for everyone who has worked so hard. Whoever came down to support us, thank you. And thanks for all those people who smsed me to check on me to see whether I'm still alive, and to wish me all the best. I just recovered my phone tonight, so I just saw these smses. Thanks a lot! And good luck if you're participating in the 2nd Division.

i can't stand it.

2008-07-11T20:57:00.003+08:00

I'm really sorry if anyone reading this will feel depressed or whatever, I don't want to affect your mood, especially for our band competition tomorrow.

***

I can't stand it. Really. I really can't. I can't I can't I can't.

If you want to really judge me, that badly, then I'll be happy to surrender to you. Yes, Jiasheng is a careless bastard. Yes, no wonder he's always losing his things.

I'll readily admit it. Okay. You win.

In that case, can you stop playing games with me? Because I thought that a person of your age and maturity would understand. That depriving me of my means of communication just before a major event, when I have important announcements for exco members, is simply stupid.

What is your purpose?

I don't understand. Which justice system blames the victim instead of the perpetrator?

You're angry, I get it. Maybe you hate me. I guessed so. EQ too low for you, I guess. Too cold a leader, I guess.

Fine. I'm okay with that. I just want to make things better. If you're not going to help me, I'll be happy to let someone you can work with take my post.

Anything to make things better.

Just don't give me this shit.

i'm sad.

2008-07-10T22:48:00.003+08:00

To make up for the lack of interesting posts (though I do have interesting things to post, just that I keep forgetting, like maggots, hwachong's mass suicide due to oriental gentlemen cheating, etc, etc):

1)do you have a wide group of friends ?
Not really, just a clique of really funny ones.

2)if you're in trouble , will your friends 'fly' to help you ?
They will flock around and ask me if I'm okay, which I will ignore them because my own defense mechanism will have had kicked in. Translation: No, I can settle my own problems because I'm a natural breast-beating, penis-biting bitch.

3)will you sacrifice your most precious thing for your friends ?
Erm... my most precious thing....? Well then it really depends what that precious thing right.

4)do you believe in BFF ?
I'm hopeful, yes. But pretty cynical about it.

5)do you think a straight and a woman can just be platonic friends ?
Hmmm. No, surprisingly. I mean, it takes a lot of effort to stay platonic, and to stop thinking of your friends in other ways.

6)do you have a male friend whom you can trust with almost evrything ?
Yeah.

7)do you think friends should tell each other evrything ?
Ideally, yes. But of course we don't.

8)if your friends are in trouble , wht will you do ?
It really depends on my mood. I'm really being honest here. In a good day, I'll jump off the building to catch your contact lens. In a bad day, I won't donate a cell for your liver transplant.

9)in future , if your friends get married and ask you to be their best man , will you agree ?
Definitely, it would be so fun. I will poke fun at them and seduce the bride. Or groom. Or the flower girls.

10)wht if your enemy calls you one day to make peace?
I would rejoice.

11)wht will you do to a friend whom you trust deeply, betrayed you?
I'll go emo for a time, then never let it go and stab back as soon as I get the chance. Childish, no?

12)if your friend snatches your gf away , will you hate him or her completely?
No la. I'll just be jealous and find another one.

13)wht if there is a girl that has liked your friend for quite some time, tells you that she needs your help to win the heart of your friend, will you help her?
Hahaha who thinks of all these stupid questions? If I think they're compatible, yes. I don't want to matchmake a disastrous couple.

14)do your parents think your friends are a bad influence ?
I have a nagging suspicion that they think the other way round, that I lead my friends into sin. Behold the Antichrist.

15)wht will you tell your parents if they asked you to transfer school, which means losing all your closest friends?
If it's for a good reason it's okay. But most probably I'll just refuse, because I'm rebellious. But it's actually okay. If those friends are my closest ones, they would probably contact me. I hope.

16)if your friend organizes a once in a life time party, but your family doesn’t allow you to go , will you sulk/throw a temper/sneak out/don’t go?
I would just go la. Where's the dilemma?

17)how will you describe your friendship relationship with your friends?
I thrive with them. I feel emo without them. I capitalize on my friendships a lot. In fact they account for a lot of my emotional status. So I'm pretty dependent if you think of it.

18)define friendship.
People saying things about embarrassing things that make them not embarrassing anymore. (Like Poolside auntie's axillary hair, or eating vaginal discharge)

19)name 20 people whom you can think right now . don’t read the questions until you named the 20 people . at the end , choose 5 people to do this .

1. Jiexuan
2. Amelia
3. Huiyao
4. Qiqi
5. Qifannn
6. Jovina
7. Gideon
8. Edwin
9. Zong Xian
10. Wei Qi
11. Joan
12. Lawrence Siao
13. Leng
14. Daniel Kiang
15. Mrs. Lai
16. Teezhuo
17. Sean
18. Peter Gilbert
19. Liang Jun
20. Walter

how did you meet no. 4?
Oh, when we were selected for vice-head in p5 right? Yeah then went we were announced to be the vice-heads (and eventually the heads) I was like, ooh, it's that girl.

wht will you do if you nvr met no.1?
Difficult question to answer. Shall not answer.

wht if no. 9 & no. 20 dated?
Zong Xian and Walter: Fat babies, definitely. Sorry.

will no.6 & no. 17 date?
Jovina and Sean: They don't know each other! And Jovina won't be able to stand Sean. And Sean is too anti-social to be bothered about dating.

describe no. 3.
Huiyao: Super Cool, Super Candid, Super Concerned, Sociable, Crapper.

describe no. 7.
Gideon: Enough said about him. But Gideon, you're improving!

do you knw any of no.12’s family?
L.Siao: Yes, TanBB.

what'll you do if no.18 confess to you that he likes you?
Peter Gilbert: OH GOD. That would be embarrassing. I would kindly reject, with an Asian humility.

what language does 15 speak?
Mrs. Lai: English, Chinese, some dialect which I forgot, Music (especially articulations)

how old is no.16?
Teezhuo: 14. His height is cunningly deceiving.

whn is the last time you spoke to no.13?
Leng: Yesterday, in his car, when he sent me home yay.

who is no.2 favorite band or singer?
Amelia: I. have. no. idea. She doesn't seem to be the idolizing sort. Some of each, I suppose.

would you ever date no. 4?
Qiqi: Also, another potential embarrassing question, shall not answer. I know she wouldn't though.

would you ever date no. 1?
Jiexuan: [sarcasm] Oh yes, definitely. He's so exclusive! Must get my hands on him. [/sarcasm]

is no. 19 single?
Liang Jun: No. x)

would you ever be in a relationship with no.11?
Joan: She's nice, and witty, and real verbose. If only she's not older than me, then xP Joking!

"school of no. 3?
Huiyao: Hwa Chong.

whr does no. 6 live?
Jovina: Somewhere near Rebecca's place in Kovan, I think.

wht is your favourite thing about no.5?
Qifannn: His recipes. Nah. His good-naturedness.

have you seen no. 2 naked?
Amelia: No. Sorry Amelia that you had to appear in this question.

wht is no.8's nickname ?
Edwin: hahahahahahahahahaha. (no that's not his nickname) shitman (which is what I call him) and other shit-related stuff.

Next 5 person to do the survey.

1. Huiyao!
2. Qifannn!
3. Zhengyu!
4. Jiexuan! (which I can't see!)
5. Wei Qi! (Though I know he won't do it)

first of all, apologies in place.

2008-07-06T10:28:00.002+08:00

I'm really sorry for the short, meaningless, seemingly emo posts I've been offering recently.

This week had been weird. I go to class, I study hard. I doodle less. I go to band and practise. I go home and talk crap on msn.

I go for the audition. And fail terribly.

***

Band admin stuff is really cool. Here's a sneak peak at those who want to become a band major next time:

1) In exco meetings, things can never be as efficient as you hope it to be. Too many distractions, too many diversions from the original topic (thanks to my nonsense), and too many "by the way, blah blah..." to drag the meeting on. So our meetings are always very long, and tiring, and not very efficient.

2) When you become a band major, or a secretary-like post, you'll know the worst part is not organizing the band, nor the band politics, nor being bonded and drawn on with a silver marker. It is the UNHOLY ATTENDANCE is collating, which I have to spend a good part of my weekend goodness doing.

It is a terrible, horrible, disgusting job, because SLs, as efficient as they are, will suddenly become mean demons and give you attendance with blanks and ORs which are not ORs. Usually it's not their fault (I know that because being an SL, I suffer from an identity crisis) but with every attendance I collate I vomit my internal organs out. Together, qf and I have lost an average of 1.7 spleens, 2.9 lungs and half a liver.

3) You see 10 Microsoft Excel files being open at once.

4) If you become a holder of double post, you start to lose sense of reality. You send an email to the SLs, telling them to collate ticket numbers, and suddenly you lose count of the contacts. Eh? Didn't the band had 9 SLs? Why am I short of one?! Huh?! Huh?! Oh wait. I'm an SL too.

Then it's also very difficult for you to hold proper sectionals anymore, because every time I conduct one my phone rings, or Lai pops in, or some other thing. I'm really sorry Ming Yi, that's the way it is. I just hope you practise real hard and become as zhai as Weiqi, that's enough x)

***

Sorry those non-band peeps, about these band stuff. Band season!

I must immerse myself in admin work to get rid of.. stuff.

nonono.

2008-07-04T21:24:00.001+08:00

A difficult, trying week.

Thinking about the disappointment, the potential jealousy, the emptiness...

I'm gone.

-uncharacteristic.

uh-huh.

2008-06-28T20:40:00.001+08:00

Snap out of it, Jiasheng.

depressed.

2008-06-26T20:41:00.003+08:00

I am depressed for a number of reasons.

The most obvious one would be the aftermath of the assembly. For people who doesn't know what's happened:

Background
The assembly topic was regarding the 3.0 MSG mark for EP3 (CCA) leaders. The school is pushing for the policy of relinquishing the leadership posts of those who can't make the academic cut (getting more than 3.0 MSG for one term, not sure what's the GPA equivalent), at least temporarily.

This issue is triggered by a parent complaining that his son was too heavily involved in his CCA, Scouts, and had gotten 4 Ds in his A levels.

A survey conducted Mr. Hon (Principal) showed 9% of the student population objected to this measure. The other 91 percent consists of students who didn't indicate their stance, or didn't object to the measure.

Issue
Usually I don't participate in assemblies at all (unless you count the snide remarks), because they disinterest, or sometimes entertain me with the sheer banality of its format. Mr Hon will announce the school's interest in some issue, and he'll pretend to "discuss" it with the school population when what he's really doing is to strengthen his support and refute all the other arguments.

Of course, that's my own flawed, immature, childish, rebellious judgement, and is my personal opinion. I take it upon myself that I may be wrong, but unless a new trend show up, I will not waver from my attitude regarding assemblies, that they are inherently totalitarian, and it's a facade of supposed democracy. If I have to be convinced by higher authorities, by twisted reason, I will not waver.

But that's not the point. The point is on Wednesday, for once, I went up on my own, to confront Mr. Hon about it. I say confront because I realized what I did wasn't just to go to the mike to present my position on this issue. It was to struggle against something that was already decided in Mr. Hon's mind.

There were various reasons why I did it. One, because it was relevant. I cannot stand by and let a decision that would affect me be ratified. The second one was due to the lack of a proper stance against the decision. When (potential) leaders of elite EP3s (note: prominent CCAs, consisting mostly of sports) were summoned down, most of them gave vague replies, generally agreeing and going with the flow. Others gave feeble attempts, like bargaining for a 3.5.

What is this nonsense?

I understand that it's a minority group we're discussing about. And yes, students are meek and obedient when faced with authority. But to me, it's a gross injustice. What is this nonsense?

I went to the mike, and that is what I said (the rough idea. You'll have to trust me on accuracy.).

-I questioned the accuracy of the survey. It was obvious that only a small number of sec3s supported the idea. I asked the students again, who actually supports the idea. A few stick-like hands rose up. Everyone else was laughing at how inaccurate the survey is. Oh, so that is 91%? I don't think so.

-Mr. Hon insisted that his survey is "real". He went on to tell us that we shouldn't blame others for not electing. I couldn't understand why he's denying himself the chance of seeing the real, pertinent truth. We can see, quite clearly, that the survey does not reflect real results. What's the point of such a survey then?

-For me, it's really a matter of principles. Such an action taken by the school is a direct message to the EP3 leaders. It's an alarming threat, that "If you don't perform academically, we're taking your post away." That might not be intended, but I feel that, too acutely. I'm sure many of us feel the same way. Isn't the school supposed to be, oh, "nurture leaders?" Is this the way that the school is nurturing and supporting leaders?

-I'm pushing for the notion of approaching student leaders with academic difficulty on a case-by-case basis. Some EP3s really NEED leaders. Then I mentioned I was from band, a poor decision on hindsight. I mentioned that we need lots of leaders, because it's not easy to run a band.

-Mr. Hon then questioned that do we need so many leaders for band. I replied that the band won't perform optimally if we lose even a single leader.

-What I didn't mention was how Mr. Hon seems to be dismissing leaders as a infinite resource.

-I touched on the idea of leaders whose results are not due to EP3, but other reasons. It's not fair. If the person in question is slack, and doesn't do his leadership post well, sack him for all I care. But what about people who really work hard, still fail to perform, taking the post won't help. It'll make him lose respect. It'll crush his self-confidence.

-Mr. Hon said something about grades being the basic standard we must achieve.

-I was really tempted to say, "If we take a A-levels student with straight As and throw him in the workforce, he'll earn what, 3k a month? A professional saxophonist? Easily 10K a month. The professional would enjoy his job."

-Different definitions of success, people.

-In the end, the chairperson said there was no time, and Mr. Hon said he would consider my take on the measure being a guideline rather than a rule.

***

The aftermath was rather complicated.

Immediately after, I had a distinct floaty feeling. I felt like I've won a battle, even though I could never beat Mr. Hon in an argument. I have people telling me that I was "articulate", "persistent", and there were people generally just saying how I impressed them. A clap on the back. My ego was inflated.

Then came other remarks. A teacher pulled me aside this morning, and told me something along these lines: "You don't have to listen to this, but you have to take note of your speech when talking to Mr. Hon. You have a lot of bravery, but no EQ. You cannot confront Mr. Hon just like that, twice even. It's not respectful. You can make suggestions to him, but what you said made things difficult for Mr. Hon."

I nodded. At that time I didn't give it much thought.

Then teachers I know started telling me the same thing. I was in the staff room, and suddenly a booming voice said, "JIASHENG! YOU ARE THE ONE! THE ONE WHO CONFRONTED MR. HON!"

I said, "It wasn't a confrontation. It was a... erm. discussion."

They weren't convinced. In fact they were going on and on about how I have no EQ.

I bet now teachers discuss me in the pantry, when stirring their coffees.

"You know that boy. So rude to Mr. Hon. No EQ."

I'm depressed about how this school operates like that.

Do note I omitted all names, for fear of persecution.

I'll like to hear from you. You can use a pseudonym, and I promise to guard your I.P. address with my life. Just tell me something I should do.

Though I shouldn't expect any tags.

magic 8 ball, help me.

2008-06-24T04:54:00.003+08:00

It's very hard to wake up, when you set your alarm at 12.30am. I fought a constant battle with my snooze button, until it won and I woke up at 2.45.

Now it's almost time for me to shower, go to school with what, 6 hours of sleep in 2 days. And try to finish all my overdue holiday homework in little tidbits of time, such as slack lessons/recess breaks.

And of course, the band admin work from hell. I'm not accusing anyone here, really, but when you see like a straight line of emails from Mrs. Lai, you start to suspect her humanity.

No, I'm joking, albeit tiredly. We have a lot of things to do in very little time. Hard pressed and pressurized. Mrs. Lai's amazing.

A lot of thoughts running through my mind lately. Things like:

1) I can't believe I'm going for the Jap band tour audition (more on that later), when I'm going to fail anyway .
2) I can't believe I'm sharing cost with someone to buy someone else a present, when I'm so disapproving of the person receiving the present.
3) I can't believe that I'm starting to think everyone's a hypocrite accusing each other of being hypocrites.
4) I can't believe I have so much overdue holiday homework.
5) I can't believe there are 2 tests in the first week.
6) I can't believe NBC is in 2 weeks.
7) I can't believe... a lot of things.

This is a time of suspended reality.

horny china bastards.

2008-06-22T10:44:00.002+08:00

So I was doing my chinese homework, searching for mandarin songs to hopefully boost my subconscious chinese standard, when I came across this:

Of course, I couldn't do my homework afterwards. I HAD TO BLOG ABOUT THIS.

***

Practically none of my homework is done.

This June holidays feel like a consecutive series of weekends and band prac.

And you know, I do nothing during weekends.

Sigh. Rushing work now.

evidence that i'm kind and understanding.

2008-06-21T10:05:00.002+08:00

Just to be clear, if I've posted any pictures of you which you don't want to appear on this blog, please tell me and I'll remove them.

This applies to all the pictures I've posted, with the exception of these 2:

These shall be here forever more.

Joking.

it's not like that.

2008-06-18T11:39:00.002+08:00

Dear qf,

And I think you're thinking too much.

I seriously thought the exchange wasn't as bad as you thought. There weren't any major screw ups (pun unintended). I thought everyone learned something. And we left the day without having lost anything (besides the few original scores, but those can be recovered.)

Sometimes it's best to focus on the bright side. Like what Mr. Leng said, the band didn't break down, or collapse when we played in front of them, even though it was pretty unprepared. We do have a lot of work to do, but at least now we know the band can play in front of an audience confidently. I also feel that the band is more humbled, and all three bands are more friendly.

Logistics-wise, I'm going to excuse us. Yep, it's the exco's fault, or the majors' fault, but honestly, it's just our first exchange that we organize. We learn, and we move on. It's not so much on "oh we screwed up", but "let's not screw up the next time". If we look at the whole, we did more good than bad. If you keep dwelling about what we didn't do, then you won't ever see what we can do the next time.

Doubting yourself doesn't help. We're all voted in because of our ability. If you don't think so, then show that you have the ability. Don't get the wrong idea that you have to work extra hard, etc etc. Nope. We all have to work hard. I know what I screwed up during the exchange, and I'll work on that. We all have our own set of problems to fix.

If it's any consolation, I think we still pwn the last batch x)

***

On a separate issue altogether,

I knew that it'll never work out. You're getting closer by the day, and sometimes I forget who you're supposed to be, his best friend or mine.

Regards,
Jiasheng.

that's the last straw, my dear computer.

2008-06-16T21:55:00.003+08:00

That's it. That's the last straw. I've tolerated everything I could, and here comes the last straw.

My PC crashed.

Now all my files are gone. GONE. Important band documents, all the band music, all the band pictures.

Tragic.

***

So I was watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory the other day, and suddenly all I could think of was you.

I couldn't get you out of my mind. I saw you everywhere. The chocolate! Everything I see it, I see you.

Brown, sticky, dirty. That's you.

Welcome back from Thailand! I missed you.

***

This is such a metaphorical and short post. Shoo!

***

P.S., the pictures get smaller because I keep resizing it manually. That's why.

2008-06-13T02:33:00.005+08:00

It's freaking 2.33am in the morning, I have band prac early tomorrow morning, and I ask myself this crucial question:

Why the hell am I awake?

I blame the dark mocha frap (which I was not supposed to drink, seeing my pseudo-allergy to caffeine). But most probably my brain just won't let me.

I'll be dead tomorrow. I hope the three of them (namely qifannn jiexuan and huiyao) don't try to give me the eh jiasheng you go take charge look again. I feel all kinds of awkward when I'm suddenly thrust with the job, like on Monday, which some people can probably see I wasn't in the mood and dismissed the band rather sianly.

***

Band camp photos! With commentaries!

I realized most of them are blurry. Why can't God let me take non-fuzzy pictures?

This is the perfect band corporate photo. Butt cheese!

Zhengyu's pretty shy. Paperface.

Fangxu and the backdrop of food in plastic bags.

Huiyao and his callgirl, Bryan the Slut.

Bryan the Slut is too ashamed.

Yes yes yes, I took that photo because of LJ - not.

Qifannn owns a Puma jacket? Hmmm wait...

Elliot looks like I'm taking the photo naked. You never know.

Contemplative, are we?

This could totally be a gay flirt scene, except without Sean's big yawn at the background.

See?! The Shorts Tug.

Some freaking flautists.

What's Jia Hong smiling about? A recent memory of being bonded, perhaps?

Juniors!

A quiet blurry entrance.

No escape for Keith now, The Scary Bitch is right behind.

Here he cums.

I like this photo. Very visionary. It's like, a contrast. Light and dark. Evil and good. Something like what Michelangelo would paint.

Or it could be a Obama campaign poster with, well, Jie Xuan.

Tee Zhuo looks like a vampire having an orgasm.

Chenyun, the resident bunny who is not cute.

Oops, sorry for the flash. Did I wake anyone up?

Obama girl, giving one of his (his?!) signature I've got a crush on Obama smiles. Giddy looks kinda grumpy, and the others just adore the camera lens.

ZOMG this must be the rarest photo in the world, with Zhengyu smiling, without a piece of paper covering his face!

See what I mean?

The tapping orchestra in rehearsal.

Um, having some humping fun are we?

Sean, with gangsta looks.

The happy humpers and humpees. (Wow, that's alliteration.)

Yet again we spot the Puma jacket. Hmmmm.

Mr Leng's mattress.

Bo Bo's evil twin. Don't ask me which one.

Slut, with revealing leg.

Huiyao with that raised eyebrow that makes him look like a french poodle, and qifannn still in that darn Puma jacket.

Another humping scene.

This could be a promotional photo for the band tee, which sadly, doesn't need promotional anymore.

For once I'm thankful that the picture is blurred.

Tee Zhuo, aka the point whore, and his group of choppin' chopin. (what the hell?)

Po En looks happy clappy.

Bad Kung Fu movie.

Ooh, here comes the adugun! (how do you spell it?)

Are they doing line-dancing? I love line-dancing.

No, no, it's chacha.

Okay stop guessing. I have no freaking idea.

Huiyao isn't leading, he's just sort of giggling and pointing.

The group looks bored.

Itchy armpits, eh.

That's not 90 degrees 'know. So ugly 'know.

Tee Zhuo knows his moves.

Group Liszt shoots their load.

Cheese!

Last shot, before I run out of pictures.

***

Tiring.

I'm still awake.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

comeback! heh.

2008-06-09T13:47:00.001+08:00

I've read through the last post, and god, it was incredibly pathetic and disgusting.

Yes it was just so urgh! I would never say that if I'm completely healthy and sane. Obviously I wasn't, because some unknown virus (I say unknown because I didn't go see a doctor, much to Tee Zhuo's and Qifannn's dismay) attacked my brain till it was a pool of grey mush.

Well the good thing is that the pool of grey mush has reconstructed itself and I'm almost okay now. Except for a little trembling and weakness in my limbs, a tiny bit of knotting in my stomach (which is really tiny, compared to the goddamned painful clenchy thingy), I'm okay.

Yeah thanks for all the people who bothered to check on me, who said "Are you okay" or "Take care", especially people like Tee Zhuo (who offered informative details of gastric flu*) and Qifannn (who listened to all my inane ramblings, when he was supposed to chase me for band admin stuff**)

*Apparently, I'm showing symptoms of gastric flu (yay, my ailment has a name) which has some strange relapse thingo:

Teezhuo: "you're going to feel better in 3 days and then hav a relapse, worse than the 1st, if you dun sleep on the 4th day"

So let's see... I fell sick on Friday night, so I'm feeling better now, which is the third day. So I must sleep on the fourth, which is tomorrow, or I'll get a relapse. I don't really believe it, because it sounds medically dubious, but I'll just try it anyway, because everyone knows that if you don't listen to Grandma Tee's old wives tales you'll die a horrible death.

And after his sagely advice (so weird to be typing 'he' after saying 'Grandma Tee'. Never mind.) he did his disappearing act. Tee Zhuo has been doing a lot of that lately. He'll come online for like 20 minutes, warning people on his pm not to call him, and disappear.

I suspect he's at the Annual Convention of Eccentric Clarinetists, but the last time I checked Mr Lim L.H. was still around, so that's a little paradox there.

**Now about the band admin stuff. Qifannn was doing his good friend thing on Saturday night, just generally agreeing to everything I say (BECAUSE THE PATIENT IS ALWAYS RIGHT) and trying to not agitate me (which is an entire strategy, like saying "sigh" to things you don't really agree on, and saying little things to appease me). And he didn't mention ANYTHING about band stuff at all, which was fine until I read my mail the following day.

Got hit by emails from BM (Qifannn, duh), QM and Treasurer.

Okay I know I read my mails very infrequently. I feel like I've lost a lot of days.

Anyway SLs were supposed to collate some information, and it's urgent, but I totally didn't take note. But qifannn excused me on the grounds that I was "severely ill". Now I feel all sorts of guilt because I wasn't severely ill, per se. Severely ill would mean being permanently bed-ridden, and being attached to a life-support machine, or going through chemotherapy and radiotherapy and ingesting a cane frog like that stupid dog on the news did.

Yeah I've been catching up on a lot of news at home recently, since I've got nothing to do. When I was like really really sick I just drifted in and out of reality, dreaming of weird little black building made out of sticks and miniature people fighting wars over them. (Don't ask me what it means, it's probably a philosophical interpretation of the biological conflicts taking place on a metaphysical pla- OH SHUT UP.)

And took a lot of hot showers, because I kept feeling cold.

And walking around my house looking for the best bed to rest in and spread my germs.

And opening the fridge to find something to eat, then closing it again, because it was too cold. Then opening it again because I was hungry. And closing it because it was too cold. And so on. (I was in a daze, fine?! Spare a thought for the ill.)

And drinking a lot of apple and cranberry and carrot juice. And lots of watery porridge which is insipid.

Oh yes, I did the stupidest thing ever. I tried to find something to spice up the tasteless porridge. I tried what, pepper, soy sauce, and MAGGI MEE FLAVOURING. Health value aside, it leaves a disgusting bland feeling in your mouth. Yuck. Don't do it. Seriously.

Oh and I read blogs. About all the people complaining about the fire drill. I don't think I should comment on it now, because I'm quite pissed and if I do, I'll probably be insensitive and start exploding about how it's not fair and it's not my fault and blahblahblah. Plus, not good for my health.

I'll post up the pictures and videos I took soon. Zhenyang, I'll pass them to you too, don't worry.

Okay that's all.

you know what?

2008-06-07T21:36:00.002+08:00

Friday, 6/6/08.

Woke up. Gathered stuff and got to school. Saw you at the old band room, but we didn't talk. Left for SALT, practised Huiyao's and my duet. Heard about the suspended cymbals, trying not to show what I was thinking. Went out to take a break, but it didn't help.

Went out with Jie Xuan, Qi Fan, Jason, some TK girls. Wasn't in the mood, just replying nonsense. Said I was tired, when I was more than that. Didn't eat dinner at Subway, just looked at Jason and Jie Xuan. Fell asleep on the MRT, woke up abruptly on my stop. Suddenly had gastric. Went to Burger King, felt nauseous after eating. Gastric still there. Dragged myself onto the bus, painfully, finally reached home.

Vaguely hearing my mum say, "Your bill this month is atrocious! 2000 smses..."

But couldn't care. Peeled off my contacts, swallowed 2 antacids, and went to bed, with a splitting headache and churning stomach.

Saturday, 7/7/08, early morning.

It's dark. It feels like someone has pressed a hot iron to my head. But the rest of me feels cold and clammy. Can't find my blanket, just sort of trembled on my bed. Can feel my bile rising, there's a very unpleasant taste in my mouth. Tried to hold it down, but it was too late. I pulled myself to the side of the bed and heaved.

And heaved.

Until I stopped. Wiped my mouth on my shirt. Accidentally breathed in the sick vapor, smelling Burger King. Pressed a hand to my chest. Stop. Yeah stop now.

Tried groaning for someone. But no one was awake. Closed my eyes. Opened them. My head was still spinning.

Pulled myself together. Walked out of bed. Got a towel, and a small bucket. Started cleaning up the mess. Felt the disgusting slimy vomit on the towel, and almost puked again.

Pulled myself together. Finished cleaning up, put the bucket beside my bed. And slept, troubled, again.

Puked another time in the bucket later in the night.

Saturday, 7/6/08, the rest of the day.

Still feeling like someone had put me on a spinning disc. Felt colder. Felt around for blanket, none again. Kept yelling for people, but no one was there.

Smsed you. You replied. I didn't anymore. Couldn't put my fingers together.

Heard someone saying, "I'm giving you a new number..."

On the bed. Slipping in and out of consciousness. Headache is killing me.

牛郎很忙。

2008-06-05T13:50:00.002+08:00

Okay I've returned to the blogging world. After my intense hiatus.

Things are a little different when I came back. I learnt more things. I see things in a different way. I'm different. Some things changed. More of during band camp actually. On my Genting trip I just took lots of weird pictures. And I just ~~raped~~ a lot of people during chalet.

Let's talk about band camp, first, then. It didn't go as I thought. But we survived. I survived. I made mistakes, a hell lot of them, but it's over. I want to tell myself, it's okay, and it should be.

At least I'm on better terms with Jie Xuan now. We're on joking terms now, yay. And I think I know the band better.

There are things that I could have done, but what's the use of thinking about that now? My only regret now is that the band didn't bond Jie Xuan (sorry qifannn.)

***

I need some time to get the pics uploaded.

Meanwhile, I'm really afraid to go talk to Zhengyu, because his look could kill. In another one of those moods. Plus his MSN nick just invites murder.

To be truthful, I've been having issues with percussion people recently. Not the section, just the people.

I can't straighten things out with them, so I shall not think about them for a while. Don't ask me to seek help from Liang Jun, he's part of the problem.

***

I miss band chalet.
I do not miss Genting.
I'm neutral about band camp, because like some of you guys voted, there were good parts and bad parts.

Plus, I know a certain classmate have been calling me but I keep daoing him. I need to work on that project soon.

Darn.

I bet the EMB is just flooded with messages for me. I don't want to read them.

Sigh.

I really need a few days to get me back on track.

about various people.

2008-05-27T11:15:00.002+08:00

Oooohkay. I'm ready to blog about Gideon (in a non-sarcastic, non-flaming way).

So. Right. About Gideon. When I hear all those mean things about Gideon, I would say, "You guys very mean 'know," because sometimes it's what I think. We are very mean to Gideon. I would admit, I'm pretty mean to Gideon, even now, though not as much.

But we are mean. Because that's the way it is. There has got to be one person that no one likes.

I've been that way before. I can emphathise, but seriously, honestly, I don't want to. Maybe it's selfishness, but ask anyone. Who wants to be unpopular and disliked?

Back to Gideon. I think he's immensely dense. He has an extraordinarily backward sense of how social groups work, as well as an almost retarded way of relating to other people. He shows zero communication skills, and his worst flaw, amongst the many he has, is that he has a false reality that no one believes in. He firmly believes in many things that do not apply in the real world.

He believes that effort is always equivalent with results. Not true.
He believes that he can change things, with his set of skills from self-help books and leadership sabbaticals. Let me tell you, no. Leadership goes by experience.
He believes that he is more than what he is. That is, he has a giant ego to match his size. No, no, no.

He's probably very puzzled why everyone is so against him. And by the rate that things are going, he's gonna become the next L, screwing up his section, but having no real defiance because he's just too good-boy. He's going to end up a bigger loser, trying to correct things in his own way, when better solutions exist. With such a twisted sense of the band and the world at large, Gideon needs to grow up.

But it doesn't have to be that way. Because when I hear those mean remarks, I fear that it's just going to be a vicious cycle. It's not fair. And I don't want to have a dysfunctional SL. Gideon is hardworking, and I believe that if we can modify what we say, he can get the task done. Who cares what he believes? We all have different ideals. As long as he's capable, I don't have to like him/hate him, like what Huiyao says. I'll respect him as a capable, responsible SL.

I won't say mean things about him anymore. I'll hope that he comes back soon, because we need a tuba player, and we need a tuba SL. If someone is talking mean things about Gideon, I won't join in. I hope others will do the same, but I don't impose that. It's a personal choice.

If there comes a day where he can finally grow up, I'll be glad. But meanwhile, I'll treat him as someone I need, not as a friend, but someone to fulfill my duties and his duties. We all have work to do.

He's a band member. If you love band, why not show him a little of that love?

crazy day.

2008-05-24T09:45:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was a super crazy day.

After band prac hung out with the percs at KAP waving to random people. Then when they stare back we'll flinch and laugh like a bunch of mad people.

Kinda reminds of the day sometime last year when I said hi to random people.

***
Actually I didn't blog so much nowadays because I was trying to prepare the pseudo BM speech on my blog since I didn't really say much during that impromptu speech Edwin stupidly thrust upon me.

(Ya, that was impromptu. You won't hear me saying things like that ever in a prepared speech.)

Then Gideon's blog started having issues and I wanted address them too, so this blog just sorta got clogged up with things I have to think about and thus, the churn out of posts are quite slow.

Yah so meanwhile wait for them while my mind process about stuff.

Aaaaaand. I'm a responsible blogger, so I'm not going to complain about how incredibly irritating and annoying is having maths lesson on the first day of holidays because I'm missing half of band prac and my fantastically happy-clappy maths teacher, a certain person who wears nothing but Bilabong shirts with flowery prints and yes it's a he, some person who likes to fluctuate his voice like a kettle going off, he's so indescribable, a lil' like McGriddles. Ya, not complaining at all.

Don't even ask me about archery. NO YOU EVIL SPIRITS WHO MADE MY ARROWS FLY EVERYWHERE! Sean summoned spirits to damn my arrows. Really. That's the only reason to explain my lowest possible score.

Oh then we played Tanabata (Seventh Night of July) during band prac. Which was a killer grade 5 piece, yay. With 1 solo, 2 soli, and a dozen different melodies. Which I completely fluked everything at sight-reading.

Huiyao's solo is nice. Like Mark's. Must the Birthday God. In that case can I book a Lucky Solo Slot on my birthday? Then I can play this piece.

I have a nagging feeling that we're not going to play tanabata anyway, but just gonna practise. It's a cool song.

Okay later going out for hy's bday lunch then the camp people's dinner. And I have like zilch money in my wallet x|

Don't think my mum will be charitable, but let's just try.

Meanwhile, my next post might be about Giddy, so. Have fun waiting =)

true...not true... true...

2008-05-19T20:44:00.001+08:00

Found the link on Joan's blog:

Most people with a severe leftward slant have some type of childhood trauma they have yet to work through. Since we didn't actually "see the writing", we can't tell if he actually has a hard left emotional slant, but if so... he has issues with trust and it is likely rooted in childhood.

Jiasheng has withdrawn into himself. He is reserved and shows his feelings only at times of great anger, extreme passion, or tremendous stress. Jiasheng is an introvert. He makes decisions based on logic, therefore he is rarely impulsive. He doesn't find any need for expressing his emotions. In fact, he probably sees this emotional expression as an unnecessary waste of time. He has a hard time relating to an extreme extrovert, although it is common for him to be attracted to one. Many people do not understand Jiasheng; it is difficult for them to really know how Jiasheng feels. Jiasheng enjoys being alone, and probably prefers working alone. Working with his hands is a pleasure.

Jiasheng's basic nature is to look out for himself first. Although he can and does feel emotions, perhaps as deeply as anyone, he just almost always harbors them inside.

The first time someone angers Jiasheng, he probably will not say anything to that person at that time. However, he will mentally keep track of everything this person does wrong to him until he cannot hold his emotions inside any longer. Then; Boom! Jiasheng will cloud up and rain all over them. And he will never regret telling someone off, because he knew what he was saying the entire time. He won't impulsively tell someone off.

Emotional stories will not sway Jiasheng. He thinks totally with judgment, first considering every situation by the effect it will have on him.

Jiasheng needs space and time alone. He will be much more efficient if given a job alone, rather than being surrounded by people.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Jiasheng doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Jiasheng will demand respect and will expect others to treat him with honor and dignity. Jiasheng believes in his ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. He has a lot of pride.

Jiasheng is secretive. He has secrets which he does not wish to share with others. He intentionally conceals things about himself. He has a private side that he intends to keep that way, especially concerning certain events in his past.

In reference to Jiasheng's mental abilities, he has a very investigating and creating mind. He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things. He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles. He probably gets too many things going at once. When Jiasheng slows down, then he becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, he must slow down to do it. He then decides what projects he has time to finish. Thus he finishes at a slower pace than when he started the project.

He has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. His mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. He can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Jiasheng can then switch into his low gear. When he is in the slower mode, he can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. He is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Jiasheng is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. He needs to visualize the end of a project before he starts. he finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said he plans everything he is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Jiasheng basically feels good about himself. He has a positive self-esteem which contributes to his success. He feels he has the ability to achieve anything he sets his mind to. However, he sets his goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". He has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, he will not take great risks, as they relate to his goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, his self-perception is better than average.

Jiasheng is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect his ego when he feels hurt. He pokes people harder than he gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Jiasheng has a very unusual lower zone y loop. If the data input is correct, Jiasheng's y or g is large and has triangle shape to the lower loop. This is not a common trait, but the implications are very interesting. As you begin to study handwriting analysis, you will learn any loop indicates imagination. This lower loop indicates the amount of imagination Jiasheng has regarding sex and physical things. His lower zone stroke is large, so his sexual imagination is large and open. Furthermore, because the loop has a triangle shape, this indicates a particular curiosity with certain aspects of sexuality. In a nutshell, Jiasheng is open to some very new ideas sexually and is willing to try anything once. I'd say Jiasheng is quite a dynamic and playful lover. Watch out world!

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct Jiasheng has left some white space on the left side of the paper. Jiasheng fills up the rest of the page in a normal fashion moving the entire writing rightward as he moves down the page. If this is true, then Jiasheng has a healthy relationship to the past and is ready to move on. The right side of the page represents the future and Jiasheng is ready and willing to get started living now and planning for the future. Jiasheng is leaving the past behind and moving on to what he perceives as an exciting and enticing future.

Omg, this is seriously hilarious.

stranges things on msn.

2008-05-19T18:17:00.004+08:00

Strange things are happening on MSN recently.

One is that Edwin managed to piss me off so much that I've taken to daoing all his smses and MSN convos (not that he smses/MSNs me frequently). In fact, I'm daoing his MSN window like right now. It's taking all my restraining power to not start to bombard him with flames and stuff.

It all started innocently enough with a Edwin-popup thing. He always does this to me. He'll go, "Jiasheng." on the first sentence that makes me think that I did something wrong, then proceed to ask me for a favour, like opening the SALT band hall or some other saikang stuff. As usual I'll submit and just do. I don't know why.

Well so it was like that. He just popped up as an orange bar, proclaiming that L.Siao is on 933 (yes, prone to random stuff too) and so I wasn't really in the random mood so I just sorta "yeah, okay" him.

Then I started saying he's shitman. (Ah, now the randomness comes.)

Then we started bickering for a while. And one thing about bitching with Edwin is that he simply isn't bitchy enough, so he'll end up saying, "Fag" or some other slur that suggests I'm not joking at all and I really want to have sex with him. Oh please.

Then I just got all sorts of irritated and pissed, for some reason, because he's not being funny/cordial/friendly and it sounds to me like he's just looking for someone who sympathizes, but I'm really not in the mood. Either that or he's being emo and is looking for a softie he can bully.

Okay I know it's really unfair of me saying all these because I kinda started it with the shitman thing but never mind.

The thing that really got me pissed was that he was ranting about how he's telling various people about his problems, in my face, as if "oh jiasheng, you're just not good enough to listen to my troubles." Okay, fine, I'm not, but could you not tell me that? I don't need to know. So I just got really pissed off and I went off to complain to Da Xian, who was all confused like how Da Xian is, so you know what he did? HE GOES OFF TO TELL EDWIN.

I got so freaking worked up I just daoed both of them.

The thing is, it's never about censorship with me, regarding Edwin at least. I say what I want, because I think I've known Edwin for years and years and I can afford to be honest with him. I throw insults easily at him, not caring he's DM, because (a) I don't give a damn about status and (b) I think Edwin would know me enough to know that I don't mean anything serious.

(Actually, now that I think of it, not so long. P5,6, sec 1 he was in HCI I was in PCPS, sec 2-4; so that's 5 years. And I don't remember him being kind when I wasn't too popular in the band.)

Hmmm. So it got me thinking, that I don't really know Edwin. Not as much as I claim.

But that's fine. Really. Be yourself. I'll just continue to joke about his skin tone, call him shitman, whatever. He can continue to tell his confidants his problems, and I won't ever get jealous.

It's fine. He's just a senior, and seniors come and go. I'll acknowledge his contributions, know that he's a good man (but most certainly a bad boy, haha), and sooner or later, he'll become a sort of friend that I don't really know well, despite the length of time I know him. Not really a tragedy, just a little pity.

***

Sean is an absolute LUDDITE.

He was comforting me because my MSN nick read jiasheng coruscation//is entitled to feeling lousy, emo, bitchy and horrible....

... A MONTH AGO.

Seriously. That is how often he logs on.

And we're using offline messages to communicate, since he's never online. Oh when he's online, one of those rare cosmic event horizons, I'm not. So. If I don't see him in school, I would have forgotten he exists.

***

Speaking of offline messages, I was typing offline messages to a certain someone the whole night.

And that certain someone replied when I was asleep.

And now that certain someone is sick. Get well soon.

(By that, I also mean: STOP FALLING ASLEEP AND MAKE ME WAIT FOR YOUR 4-HOURLY SMSES.)

***
//EDITS: suddenly have more things to say.

Ya suddenly there's this rainbow thing on msn. Someone just pasted this into my conver window:

hey all!pls put a (rainbow picture) in front of your msn nick so that msn will donate money to the sichuan earthquake.* Thanks&pls pass on the msg

So I was like, I don't believe it, but let's just put it anyway. (*why does Si Chuan earthquake need money?! GRAMMAR!)

It turned out to be damn stupid. I have this gay rainbow in front of my nick. So when Zhengyu asked me what was it about I told him:

apparently msn is going to donate when i put it on my nick.

Then I looked at my message. Then I looked at the gay rainbow.

Disgusted, I took it off.

***

I have an obscenely short haircut now, and I totally attribute it to karma, that is, my mean gay slurs to Samuel.

Sobs.

rah! it's over. but it's okay.

2008-05-17T21:33:00.002+08:00

Just something to keep my blog alive:

My mum and I, at Dhoby Ghaut Station. We stare at the woman in front of me, who is wearing a bare back piece. Like really bare.

Me: Whoa.
Mother: You know I can just touch her now and malign you.
Me: Whoa.

Woman turns around. Her breasts are ENORMOUS.

Me: *jaw drops* Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Mother: Mmmm.

My mother is a lesbian, I swear.

everything's off.

2008-05-10T18:17:00.001+08:00

Everyone's gone to Sabah. I'm feeling so utterly alone.

Actually, only 2 people I know well, erm, I mean, 1, but still.

Friday was interesting because I didn't sleep the whole night, worrying over the SC audition. So I baked cookies and gave out to people after flag-raising. I didn't even know why I was worried because I never wanted SC anyway, just went to run because (a) a lot of people want me to and (b) just for fun.

In the end, though I was super nervous, I just went up to try to make the band better. It sounds super diplomatic, but it's true. I must say the band is really not up to it, you can really hear it from the podium. Practice, guys*!

*By guys I especially mean Clarinets & Flutes at 2nd and 4th bar of [I], which I totally couldn't do because where are the running notes?!

Haha I must complain! Other people did 8 bars, and I did 10! And I did the last bit, so a lot of things to do. And usually people don't practice the last part, so all the flowery trills and semi-quavers are GONE. Zilch. Nada. Nothing.

Oh, and I really underestimated the time. I was a quarter way through my fixing (which was terrible) when Mr. Leng told me, "You have about 30 seconds more."

Like whoa.

I really think I did badly, but I tried my best. Congrats to Huiyao for getting it, you really deserve it, and Zhengyu and Walter, you guys did way better than me, I feel super small and bitchy now haha. I think we should compile our notes (if any) for Huiyao so he has more things to do xP

Ooh, good news, Qifannn and I has been upgraded from UM to BM! That's like BUM!

We're a pair of Bums. That's uber cool. Haha congrats. But together we shall work together to erm... what did someone say... oh yeah.. BRING THE BAND TO GREATER HEIGHTS.

Now the competition is concentrated on the DM. [sarcasm]Great. The competition is so close that I won't hold my breath. [/sarcasm]

Don't get me wrong okay. I wish to have a good working relationship with whoever gets the DM.

Actually I'm pretty numb about the BM part so I'll post something more throughout later.

***

Was super tired when I went home, and got awakened by my mum today at 7 to go extend my passport.

My eyes were bloodshot.

When we reached Lavender the ICA (Immigration and Checkpoints Authority) queue was so incredibly long. I think people stayed overnight to be first in the queue. It's incredible. The Hello Kitty queue wasn't even that long. I feel like an ant.

Anyway, we queued for like 30 minutes, and the actual procedure was 2 stamps on my passport. That took 10 seconds.

I was ravenous after that, because I didn't eat breakfast, so we went to Macs and had McGriddles. Then my mum was ambushed by a survey person and got asked random questions like "Is the bun too soft or too hard?" "How young are you?" that makes it sound like the McGriddles is also a makeshift dildo or something.

***

Went home at around 10 plus in the morning, and slept till...5.

Going to play Cabal, then bake cookies for Mother's Day. Ciao, belle.

300th post.

2008-05-08T22:42:00.002+08:00

It'snotmyfaultmyinternetisdownI'mreallybusydon'tscoldme!

Really. My internet was down.

Anyway, 300th post! And I was supposed to fill you guys up, but nope, I suddenly have nothing to say.

Oh oh, running for SC is probably the worst thing I've ever done. I conduct like a chicken, and you know chickens don't conduct.

Wait. Maybe they do.

My point is, may the best SC win. (So I'm out and free.) Because after trying so hard to analyse scores and conduct in time has given me new respect for SC.

***

I'm not even going to rant about how my life is a leech. It sucks so much that I'm losing blood. (
Bad analogy, I know)

That's why I'm being crazy nowadays.

And my mum told me my bill is explosive. Been smsing too much for my own good. It's really not my fault, because if you have to sms 9 SLs, with a super long message so it's x4 messages, you can add it all up and see where my smses go.

Erm of course there's the other ones, but let's ignore that =)

***

I think having Mrs. Lai read my blog is getting annoying.

Firstly, I have to type 'Mrs. Lai'. I can't say things like 'Lai', 'Auntie Lai' or 'The Band Teacher With Rabbits And Dogs'.

Yes, I'm just calling her all these deliberately because she flashed her new phone at me. Just because she knew I was desperate for one.

How totally evil is that? It's like this dying person in the desert, then a helicopter lands there, then a person steps out and drinks some Evian water, throws the empty bottle at the dying man, then leaves by the helicopter.

***

I'm just going to embrace all the rumours.

(That just means I'm going to make Tee Zhuo, Sean and Zhengyu (who has just been named the Ultimate Bitchy Paparazzo, he deserves it fully) see my horny rapist side so much so that they are going to hide in their closets and whimper.)

My poor Junjun.

grahhhh!

2008-05-04T08:15:00.002+08:00

This is going to be a post with lotsa random things.

I look way weird into photographs. That's what I think. I mean, I think I look okay, and I don't wince when I look into the mirror (unless there are zits, which is like right now), but when I look at photographs, rahhh! Why do I look like that?!

Maybe because those are all candid shots and candidly, I look really ugly. I've been living in a delusion all these while. I'm actually so intensely horrifying that people turn away from me and puke.

Yeah I don't like people photographing me, especially when I'm in a compromising position. But I like to do that to other people. So I guess it's a karma thing.

Speaking of compromising photos, Zhengyu is quickly rising up as a bitchy paparazzo. I'll never talk to him again.

***

Watched Ironman yesterday with a bunch of band people.

At first I was resistant to watching movies like that, because I just knew superhero movies won't be good. I mean, I've read almost all the Marvel comics and the best punchlines, action scenes and surprise twists are on paper. You can make Superman really fly (via CG) but there's a spirit in the comics that you can't imitate.

So I was ranting against them, "No, no! I don't want to watch the Ironic Man!"

And received stares in return.

We went to watch Ironman anyway. As usual, I forgot that I watch movies so rarely that I pretty much find all of them exciting. It wasn't that bad. I had fun throwing popcorn at Edwin.

***

Everyone's falling in love. This is unfair.

E has a crush on mysterious girl/guy/spiked hair gel
T has a crush on J
L has a crush on Ironman (seeing his determination to watch it)

Of course, I'm constantly in a situation which doesn't allow me to explain myself.

So that's fine.

I seriously think I've screwed up my lower sec life (omg I typed lower sex life just now). And the ghosts are coming back to haunt me.

My phone is dead, for some reason or another, so don't bother to sms/call/leave a message. It won't work. New phone, now!

complaint post

2008-05-01T11:13:00.003+08:00

So after 23049238492384 random posts, I've decided to revert back to the more true, basic aspect of blogging and COMPLAIN ABOUT MY LIFE.

1) Contact lens
I know I shouldn't be complaining about this, because a certain someone I know is lamenting that she wants contact lens and can't get them, etc, etc, but really, they aren't as fabulous as commonly thought. For one, they get incredibly uncomfortable after a while, so by the end of the day you feel like they're going to pop out of your eyes any minute.

That said, it would be logical to put them on the later part of the day, right? And since I only use them on outdoor activities (or non-existent dates), usually I don't wear them in the morning.

Then comes along Tuesday. The P.E., plus outdoor prac day.

Putting on contacts in the morning is, to put it simply, courting ocular death. God, they feel horrible. It's like having a lizard squiggling in your eye for hours.

Too bad. Contact lens are pairs of necessary evils.

//edit: If one more person suggests Acuvue Moist, I am going to dig my eyeballs out and throw them at him/her. THEY ARE FRICKING EXPENSIVE.

2) I want a new phone.

Seriously.

I am sick of not being able to play games on my phone.
I am sick of having my phone die on me at noon.
I am sick of not being able to play any music.
I am sick of such a bulky phone.
I am sick of so many installed functions that I can't use (Java, Internet, MSN)
I am sick of lagging.

I am sick of SGH 300i. New one, now!

3) I am also sick of feeling lousy.

So if anyone knows a magic charm that gets rid of emoness, I am willing to visit Master Foo and drink soot water and dance around in my underwear.

4) I hate the rumours. Really. Really. Really.

Especially when people give me that look, and I don't know whether to ignore them, or go crazy and strangle them to bits. RAH! So this is how J, Q, T, L, K, S, and B must feel all the time. Have fun guessing who I'm talking about.

5) My allowance.

I'm living on scraps for the last few days of the month. I should just put a Paypal donation link on my blog so people can support me. (Makes me sound like a virtual prostitute. I should start posting my nude pictures.)

6) MY PARENTS ARE LEAVING ON HOLIDAY AND I'M STUCK WITH NBC CAMP!!!

Self-explanatory.

7) People, in general.

You people should:
(i) Treat Tee Zhuo better. (Since he's going to be, y'know, and he deserves a lot better than me.)
(ii) Stop giving me that, oei, give the two of them some space look. It's irritating. And Huiyao has nothing to do with it.
(iii) Stop losing your uniforms.

8) My life.

I'm super pathetic at everything. I'm almost giving up SC because I can't play Patapon properly. And someone is calling me fat. Hmph.

-terminates rant here-

uh.

2008-04-28T21:56:00.002+08:00

So, after an insane day, I've...

How could I call it insane? It was one of those days. When I could throw myself down a skyscraper to splatter on the sidewalk and the day still won't end. I just lie around with all my body parts strewn over the place with ladies in their high heels making disgusted faces and carefully treading not to step on my spleen or liver or lungs.

It's horrible. Really, really horrible. And I couldn't even tell why it was horrible, just that it was.

So, after an insane day, I've reached some point.

The thing about this point is I don't have a clear idea what it is. It's not a very clear-cut epiphany, like "I should lose weight" or "Something has got to go" or "I need to buy bottled orgasms". It's more like, "After such a hard, insane, impossible day, I need to reach an epiphany".

I mean, what else do you do when you've had a horrible, impossible day? You can't just lie around expecting tomorrow to be better.

First, I just abandoned the day, regardless the consequences, and slept. I just did. I didn't care. Then I woke up, feeling more horrible, because there's the guilt.

So I need to do something about that.

Because if I don't keep my mind busy with these sort of things, I might just find the nearest skyscraper.

Oh ya, MSN is unsympathetic nowadays.

And also, I realized I need to go back on being independent. I mean, a really critical and cynical side of me is wincing whenever I sms in class.

Today, I just sent random messages to random people hoping they'll reply.

How pathetic is that?

Can't think of any more things to say, because I need to reserve my crapping power for lit work tomorrow.

Signing off,
Jiasheng

*********************************************************************************

reject.

2008-04-28T13:32:00.001+08:00

Trying day, which is passing too slowly (it's only 1 plus in the afternoon now) and a hell of a drag.

Lost the ability to speak in coherent sentences.

Stress.

And woohoo, the whole class is seeing I'm emoing.

That sentence isn't even grammatically correct.

Yes, thank you Yuming for coming over to rub my shoulder.

Too many things to think about. Too much stuff I've procrastinated.

Someone stick a pencil in my eye now.

"Try masturbation. It's good for you." -Zhitao

After typing that,

"NO!! NOOOO! MASTURBATION IS BAD FOR YOUR DICK!" -Zhitao.

I'm not making sense here.

Never mind.

forced to blog.

2008-04-26T11:20:00.003+08:00

Since Rebecca is complaining I've not been blogging, so I shall restart that auto-blog system and let it churn out something.

***
Just went down to that little gelato shop near hwachong last night.

I almost forgot where it was. Actually, I really forgot where it was. I've only been there once, and the company I had was pretty distracting.

Luckily I found it. And had gelato there until 10. Thinking of all the times.

Good thing I've grown up.

***

Random thoughts:

1) I need an mp3! SERIOUSLY. Or else I'll collapse (I can't even spell that properly) and DIE.

2) The band room is a cool place to lose things. Like phones. And wallets. AND MP3s. (Yes I lost my previous one there, the noob 128MB one)

3) I dream about her all day. She's always in shiny, glorious, sunshine splendor. But she's trapped in a little box, in Swee Lee. I will rescue her with $183. She belongs next to my mouth:

I love you. (Time to start saving.)

4) [sarcasm] Huiyao, y'know, is such a byatch. I'm totally going to bitchslap him, like, every day. I am also going to bitchslap Walter and Zhengyu, in a 3/4 beat time fashion. [/sarcasm]

5) See? I remembered my sarcasm tags.

6) I realized I've not been doing tag replies for a long long long time.

7) Feel like punching Edwin for his stupid snide comments. Either that or blog about his sckr obsession.

8) L. Siao has an official track for me, that is, "poster boy". I'm just going call him "honey bunny" back and think of more creative she-males to couple him with.

9) L. Siao says the same things over and over again! Y'know, Edwin was just mentioning that there was this student that L. Siao used to teach and she blogged about how L. Siao always says "Serene you're out!" to her.

Hmmmm. Isn't that familiar?

Then he always says, "Thank you for your time." after band practice. It's so predictable 'know.

Oh, and there's always the mean stuff he says.

Person A falls on the ground. L Siao says, "Oh, poor floor."

So mean 'know.

So when L. Siao falls on a bed of nail, we say?

"Poor bed of nails."

10) TESTS ARE COMING OUT AHH AHH AHH!

***

Happy now, Relmo?

weird day.

2008-04-22T21:22:00.002+08:00

I HAVE NEVER BLUSHED SO HARD during a bus trip.

I just came back from school, and there was this couple behind me on the bus. They were fervently making out. They kissed deeply and passionately, a closed-eyed affair (so there was no one in the world but them), their hands probably groping (but I couldn't see, fortunately) desperately down there.

You know what's the worse part? (I said worse because there's worst) They did it the WHOLE JOURNEY. When I got up, the guy was nibbling on the girl's neck. When I left, they were french-kissing.

When I stole some glimpses to the back (they were at the back of the bus), they just ignored me and continued doing their thang.

Theoretically speaking, if the bus journey is long enough, she would be a mother by the time the bus reaches the interchange.

***

What a weird weird day.

Started with rushing work. I prayed for rain, which means no flag-raising, which means I have time to rush out the lit presentation WHICH NO ONE SENT ME (except Ben and Marcus, bless their robotics soul).

In the end, didn't get to present for lit. Phew.

I forgot to bring P.E. and feigned sickness, but then really felt like puking. Karma.

I didn't file my Chinese file. If LeeWC came I would have gotten a D for work attitude. She didn't.

Went home and printed out Chem notes to study, so I could stay in school and mug.

Went to Swee Lee (I FOUND IT. MY FIRST TIME THERE.) to buy a shared present with Teezhuo for Sean.

Came back, started mugging. Da Xian commented I make strange noises when I study, like "Why?! WHY?! Grrrr."

Well, he jiggles his body and coughs loudly. We're even.

Talked with Mrs. Lai and Teezhuo about band stuff (not UM stuff) till 7.

Studied. Dinner. Studied. Went home. Had embarrassing bus episode.

Here blogging.

***

There's a reason why today's post is so fragmented. I've used up all my literature flair on some other things =)

posting, again.

2008-04-22T03:37:00.002+08:00

I just realized it's an incredibly lonely thing to stay up at night to do work. There's no one on MSN, and you can't sms people, and you can't do anything. You can only mug and try to do that Lit presentation and think of emo things and listen to "Don't Tell Me", "When You're Gone" and "Let Go" by Avril.

Someone just shoot me.

(Or give me a teddy bear to hug.)

gmail gmail...

2008-04-21T23:22:00.002+08:00

My screaming conscience wants me to blog, so here I am.

Ever since a lot of things, I feel like my whole life is exposed through my blog. If you read through all the archives, you'll probably know all the major things that happened in my life. And most of them ain't really pretty.

But when someone comments that "You can write for the Straits Times... y'know, like Sumiko Tan, as a columnist..." it brightens my day. But nah, I doubt ST would publish a teenager's rants.

So. I had a great Sunday. Hmmm I went to the National Library to do work. Which I called Liangjun along. I think I totally ruined his study schedule when we barely started for 1.5 hours and I said I was hungry. So we went to the Bugis Macs and eat McFlurry. Then we walked around and I went back to have a happy Sakae dinner =)

It's not every day I get to dine outside okay. My mum was feeling rich. My parents have these occasional lapses. I'll go, let's stay home to eat this weekend. But my mum might suddenly surprise me by saying, "Say, is ichiban sushi nice? Let's try it tonight."

Oh oh I think most of you have caught on the Liangjun part. Stop staring, it's not what you think.

I think it's funny the way it turned out. I started by smsing him and we have this long log of smses (which I have to constantly delete, just in case Sean starts announcing anything). In the end after the "scandal" I just kept smsing and now we're just. In a sorta strange sms relationship. We sms, but we don't really talk.

It's probably my fault, since I kinda ignores him in the band room, where we both have our mutually exclusive activities, where I'll be bitching about someone/making stale sex jokes/practising/doing homework, and he'll be constantly doing stickings and stuff.

Yeah so nowadays I'm not really paying attention in class and is really just smsing in class. I'm listening in class, really. Just that smsing is more interesting.

I don't really want to publicize that hey, I'm talking with Liangjun! because that's just dumb especially now. If I'm not wrong, we're probably starting to use protection, according to the gospel in the 3P1 classroom.

So why am I blogging this? I don't know. To really clear things up? I don't think this blog post is helping. Just to put it down, I guess. So when some really bitchy gossip makes me stop smsing, I can refer back to this post and remember this strange episode of my life.

trying week.

2008-04-19T22:57:00.004+08:00

What a trying week it've been. yes really.

The whole week was just me trying to get back on the track of life after SYF. Which wasn't very successful. I was constantly tearing up pieces of leaves and doodling and scrunching up paper.

Then we had The Meeting on Friday, which didn't do as well as I've hoped, but nonetheless, it's serving its purpose. Just that to say the truth, I'm being really unsure. And worried. and pissed because i can't say the things i know.

Oh and Leng just exploded on me because uniform stuffs were lying around. JC band should be pretty stressed up with Capriccio right now. As UM, sure it's my fault. I wasn't even around in the morning.

I know I shouldn't be saying this, but I really hate some things right now and I'm still waiting for my old optimism to come back. because I really need it.

It doesn't help that now I find some of the tags very cryptic and mysterious. I can't really understand them anymore. who the hell?

Never mind. i'll just wait it out.

//Edit.

Ohya.

Before I forget.

Thanks to whoever asked if I'm okay.

And for understanding that there are things that I can't tell.

before this gets out of hand.

2008-04-17T04:00:00.002+08:00

To the comments on my tagboard, I can only softly scream "Oh man. Oh man." all over my head and whimper under my (non-existing) desk.

Anyway, before it gets out of hand:

1) I'm not against Sean. Zhengyu, I suggest you don't kill your AP but still lovable batchmate, but instead spread more rumours about him instead. Potential partners include: Lee WC's mother, Mrs Hon, Leng, the Science Lab auntie assistant who wears sneakers, any of the poolside aunties.

2) Tee Zhuo, you have your fair share coming up.

3) Huiyao: largely no comments, except for "Erm... thanks for inventing a new rumour to distract my current one." which I think is the case, so another reason for Zhengyu not killing anymore. Peace.

4) Pillow: Some things are better off not known.

Since everyone is so interested, what really happened:

Jiasheng enters.

Jiasheng says: Oh, what a lovely day.

Liang Jun enters. Liang Jun pulls out a gun and shoots Jiasheng dead.

Sean enters.

Sean says (in bimboic and squealing voice): YAY! You've finally killed him, darling! That bitch totally stole my hubby, the poolside auntie!

Sean leaps up and down, spreading his handjuices on the ceiling, radiating them with toxic gamma rays.

Liang Jun died from the gamma rays, slumping dead beside Jiasheng.

Sean leaves.

Huiyao enters, switching on the lights.

Jiasheng, not really dead, but rather just unconscious, is revived by the magical light.

Jiasheng groans in agony.

Huiyao observes and leaves.

Jiasheng dies again from gamma rays.

THE NEXT DAY.

Jiasheng enters (who gives a heck about continuity).

Huiyao and Sean preaching to band people.

"HAHA Jiasheng had sex with Liang Jun!"

Jiasheng slumps dead on the floor, obviously dead from embarrassment.

pissed, vexed, but not really.

2008-04-16T15:13:00.002+08:00

This morning when I stepped into the band room, I knew something was wrong. Something about a group of juniors and batchmates sitting on the floor, listening to Sean and Huiyao preach about something.

Then Huiyao said, "Jiasheng, yesterday you and Liang Jun.." and I knew. I looked at Sean. I knew.

I spent the whole day brooding over it. Half the time I was angry at Sean, because how could he gossip some big and scandalous affair about me and his own section leader? (By the way, Sean doesn't look like it, but he's the bitchiest of the lot. He gossips about everything. I think it's influence from Huiyao. No offense to either of them.)

The other half I was worried about Liang Jun, because he's a good person and gossips in the band tend to go out of hand (I mean, Tee Zhuo is now a grandmother which me as his French maid and we have lesbian sex every night.)

Then I gave it a lot of thought and decided to let it go. I bitch and gossip about other people too. Why can't people derive some sick twisted fun (like I do) from making fun of me? It never feels good when you're at the receiving end of a joke, but they mean no harm. In fact, I think people should thank me from distracting the general populous from their own real scandalous affairs.

Right now, I'm just too embarrassed to go talk to Liang Jun anymore.

random

2008-04-16T05:36:00.003+08:00

I think the line from 'Half a Soldier' by Alfian Sa'at is cool:

Sniffed in the intimate musk of stars.

***

Anyway, can't anyone read sarcasm anymore?

[sarcasm]
First, we didn't get top band after all. It's just a rumour. I have an urge to pose as L. Siao and post on everyone who mentioned we got top band, "Please remove the offending article on your weblog. It is unfounded and you did not get top band."

Secondly, we didn't get a distinction because somehow the school is not announcing so we don't even get to jam Deep Purple Medley.
[/sarcasm]

***

But, a collective gratitude to all your concerns.

***

Waiting.

in desperate need of something orgasmic.

2008-04-14T20:19:00.003+08:00

My MSN nick now reads:
jiasheng coruscation//is entitled to feeling lousy, emo, bitchy and horrible.
i am now making full use of my entitlement

Yes. I am feeling HORRIBLE.

First, we didn't get top band after all. It's just a rumour. I have an urge to pose as L. Siao and post on everyone who mentioned we got top band, "Please remove the offending article on your weblog. It is unfounded and you did not get top band."

Secondly, we didn't get a distinction because somehow the school is not announcing so we don't even get to jam Deep Purple Medley.

Thirdly, we screwed up so badly during flag-raising that a fat European form teacher imitating the toms by banging insanely on the table and called the school song "unearthly", which was downright mean and stupid.

Fourthly, I spent my afternoon doing the makeup chinese compo test which resulted in a strained neck from me writing a weird strange story about Grandma Tee crushing on Zhan Hui and being robbed of her life savings because of a phone call.

Fifth, I wasted a lot of time deciding whether to go for Jap or not, because I've already missed three lessons consecutively (again) by being sick, doing band stuff and having band rehearsal. In the end I gave in to conscience, and ended up at MOELC at 6.25. Haha, when lessons end at 6.30. Then I found out I just missed the sakubun (composition) test, which means I have to email Lee WC for an excuse letter in order to get a makeup sakubun test tomorrow, and that also means I have to go to MOELC tomorrow, when I also happen to have a debate rehearsal. And to top it off, the deadline for the Jap presentation is after E-learning, and Yi Ling-san gave me the death look when I came at the end.

"Why you disappear again?!"

I was muttering to myself all the way back to J8. I actually planned to bake and write thank you notes, but I was totally in a lousy mood. Still. It's necessary, even when I need to prepare for the debate thing (I HAVE DONE NOTHING) and type out lit panel discussion stuff. But I know if I don't do the thank you notes soon, I'll never do it, so I MUST DO IT TODAY.

Thus I went to withdraw money to buy paper and baking stuff. Was in a terrible mood queuing at the ATM. I hate queuing. You know how when you queue up in the canteen. The HCI canteen is horrendous. It's always packed, unless it's 11.20, which is no time to eat anything. Anyway, when you queue at the back, there'll be people try to pass by you, so they'll squeeze past, and then your lower regions will be exposed to contact. Either their groins will grind in my butt (which is really disgusting when it's guys) or I'll try to swerve my hip and we (the passing party and I) end up frotting each other.

Okay digressed.

Anyway, it was a really long queue at the ATM so I was thinking random suicidal thoughts, like quitting Jap (which I will never do, by the way), then finally it was my turn. Then the ATM screen flashed:

THE MACHINE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.

I smiled. And walked away.

The next person (another long queue is waiting) went to the machine. It worked.

Keep on smiling. Keep on smiling. Keep on smiling. Walk away. Walk away. Don't smash your fist into anything. Don't grind your teeth like that.

I hopped on the MRT and bought the stuff at TP.

So here I am. In desperate need of something orgasmic and someone sympathetic on MSN.

Plus, with so much things to do which I will always prioritize wrongly.

1) Thank you notes and baking
2) Email Lee WC
3) Check mail for Hagimoto sensei's email
4) Lit script
5) Debate research

Help.

it's over. happily.

2008-04-13T09:55:00.002+08:00

Thoughts Before The March

with bated breath and quickened heart
I stared around me
the wind shakes free,
a field of red and strips of gold
the grass is only our stage

my eyes trained on
the furry upright sticks of yellow
the sharp glint of brass and metal
keys rattle
on the deep black wood
of clarinets

stomach knotting
chest pounding
thoughts of uncertainty and mistakes
and failure,
thoughts,
of slow afternoons with sweat, ego melts
of raining cold days and echoing sounds
of pinpricks and berets and swinging belts
of sleepless nights and lanyards to count
of anxiety, worry, crisis and confidence maim
of efforts not paying their results due on time
of glory, dreams, and broken causes
of friendships and leaders lost to losses

the wind blows

and tells me it's okay.
drop, check, play.

***

I have a lot of people to thank.

From up to down, in no order of merit, though some people deserve much more gratitude than I can offer:

1) The teachers really have done EVERYTHING. Nothing would have worked without them. The uniforms and instruments wouldn't be so neat and systematic if not because of Mrs. Chan. Mrs Lai was always running around to make things work, and you can be sure the band won't if not because of her. Ms Quah must be thanked for her catering and meticulous attention of Edwin's macework x) and Mr Tan is responsible for making us go back to class for reading period on time.

2) The instrutors: without them, there is no competition. I think Mr. Siao has mellowed. I believe without the musical repertoire, we wouldn't stand a chance. Jon Lee made our erratic band see the result of discipline.

3) Edwin really threw in everything he had. Did you people know he injured his hand and didn't even dare to tell the teachers? When he was throwing that mace, how much is the stress? And through all our practices, who spent the most effort? Who worried, cared and bounced back the most?

Your DM is a very special person (though I must add, oftentimes crazy and irritating.)

4) C'mon, you have to admit, Zong Xian isn't your outdoor person. Size aside (he's going to kill me) he fares best in indoors. Yet he kept all his inhibitions and just went with it. He shed his less-than-sufficient confidence and spent the most effort settling and solving conflicts in the band. With Edwin, they make the best majors I've seen as UM.

5) QMs: Without them where are your instruments? Especially Huiyao, who has to face Mrs. Chan's rantings.

6) SLs: I don't know any post more important than the Section Leaders. I can do NOTHING without them. I can't give out uniforms stuff, I can't give announcements and make sure they work, and I WILL GO CRAZY without their help. They've been amazingly co-operative and understanding people, especially when the UMs are often lunatic, inexperienced and stupid (that applies only to me).

7) The Uniform Managers (though Master sounds cooler): Qifannn and Teezhuo (newly instated). They're just angels in disguise. Kudos to Tee Zhuo for making himself so busy with berets and belts and crazy UM stuff until he becomes an irritated french bitch (really, he can become realllllly bitchy). But he's just gold. He didn't even had to do it, and I'm really touched. Qifannn just did all the things that I draconianly threw on him, and whatever I had to get off my chest I just unload it on him, even then he has his own thoughts and commitments to worry about. Like Huiyao says, "You put the U in BAND." We've really worked very hard, and I'm glad it paid off.

8) The Alumnus: thanks for supporting us and giving pep talks. I know I've been more than disagreeable to most of you. But it doesn't matter now. Thanks to Jiehan still sticking to his promise, and offering his help with UM stuff. To Bangky, who helped Hongseng find glue to stick Hongseng's shoe. To all the people who were in the band and cared. Thank you.

9) To the general band populous: and by that I mean everyone. I know this period I had been bitchy and irritable because I was just so overwhelmed by everything. If I've snapped at you or made you unhappy, I apologize here. And I really need to thank everyone who made me feel that what I do has worth, and I really feel that. I feel joy when people say, "If not for uniforms, we won't have won," even though that's so lol and untrue but I appreciate all your gratitude. You people make me feel worthy of the pride. Plus, some of you really look good in the uniform. Erm, that's a lie x)

***

Oh, btw, for people who don't know: TOP BAND FOR ASSESSMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!

bring me the straitsjacket

2008-04-11T03:31:00.003+08:00

Okay, I HAVE to blog before I go nuts.

This is probably the last post before SYF.

The thing is, I think my body is rebelling against me. I'm falling sicker and sicker. My nose is blocked up so I speak funny. I feel tired. My wake up bio clock is current set at 3am.

Like what the hell.

Plus, I'm ignoring all my lessons and I have 2 checklists: one for before SYF, and one after. My life is hinging on SYF.

To make matters worse, I'm also contemplating random emo questions like:

1) What if I suddenly collapse?
2) Will Jiexuan and I going to be able to talk normally someday?
3) Why can't I strangle some people who make my life infinitely more difficult?

I'm irritable, tired, pissed, and really hoping and yearning for SYF to be OVER.

But currently, after a full dress, a school performance and a rehearsal at the National Stadium, I can say we're pretty well-prepared. Go HCIBAND(U)!

Yeah I'm nearly falling apart but I'm still waving the flag for us.

because i know if i don't blog soon, i never will.

2008-04-10T03:42:00.002+08:00

Why am I even attempting to blog a funny, witty, substantial post about my life when I have a million gazillion thankless tasks to do?

Okay, now I'm supposed to be writing a real life report, like the ones we did last year about people watching porn in the computer room or something. But the thing about such reports is that you can't fake anything, so I'm really serious and all, and that makes me have a writer's block, because reality is stranger than fiction.

Anyway, as usual, I'm not supposed to tell you what it is about. It might be for my transvestite publicity campaign.

Do hope I can reveal some details after this blows over, though.

But doubt so.

Anyway, reward for people who stretched their necks sore waiting for my post:

Um, I forgot to mention it's really disturbing.

overwhelmed by the world.

2008-04-06T10:25:00.002+08:00

As much porn as Youtube would allow:

***
So many things have happened that I can't possibly tell you people.

But I'm really glad for people in my life.

1)Qifannn, my confidant and partner-in-crime with dressing the whole band bloodily
2)Tee Zhuo, who has practically became the third UM over the few days
3)People who have helped me with the uniforms, which includes a lot of people: the teachers (Thanks Mrs. Lai for the breakfast =)), the majors, the section/row leaders, Zhenyang, Joshua, plus plus plus
4) My parents and family
5) Band people in general for co-operating, especially with a non-sec4 exco member who is prone to snapping when irritated
6) People who were concerned

These days I've doubted myself, fallen into depression, tried to hang on with 2 hours of sleep for a day, missed band prac on more than one occasion, got irritable and snappish.

But I survived.

So many things had happened, all of which would make me want to lock myself up and cry, but I survived.

I might not be as self-assured or confident or capable as other people, but if I can survive this, I don't know what else I can't. At least, that's what I think for now.

I'm grateful. For whoever helped me along, although sometimes it feels like the world is against me.

I'm overwhelmed by the world, really.

is this a dream?

2008-04-05T03:14:00.002+08:00

I never had nightmares before.

At least, ever since teenage. I don't think I had any.

So I had a nightmare, first time in many years. I don't ever remember what it was about. I just know I woke up at 1.30 in the morning, when I've set my alarm for 4.00am, and I was breathing very hard.

That's why now I'm sewing berets, at 3 plus in the morning.

Am I dreaming? I keep asking myself.

I think I'm repressing things until they work out.

Hope I don't explode.

Ow.

2008-04-03T19:45:00.002+08:00

Ow.

Ow.

Was trying to get through my summary when my right eye started throbbing in pain, like someone's shining a strong light at it in regular intervals.

I thought I was crying blood.

After English there was double Maths. And there's a Maths test tomorrow. I went home anyway.

My mum and I are still at it.

"Hello? My right eye hurts a lot. I want to go home."

"HAHAHAHA (she actually laughed) this is what happens to boys who are rude-"

I hung up.

Then I took a taxi and ignored her when I got home.

I have summoned every little bit of restrain in me NOT to slap her back and throw her laptop out of the window.

Okay as usual I have too much things to do.

And I can't wear contacts for a week. So says my mother.

(Do I care?)

ouch.

2008-04-03T01:59:00.002+08:00

There are some things that you shouldn't mention on blogs. You should only give vague emo suicidal thoughts on how your life suck and you want to die.

I went home today, after an infinitely tiring day of buying 80 hangers and lugging them home. Was too fatigued to speak because I have a sore throat developing, and tonnes of work to do (they're still left undone).

Collapsed on the bed.

My mother screamed at me. Irritation level goes up.

What?

Apparently she wants her thumbdrive back.

Okay, fine, you bitchy woman (no I didn't say that, although any one with any one functioning sensory organ could deduce that). I dumped the thumbdrive on the table.

Then she shouted at me.

"IS this what the school teaches you? (Her favourite scold phrase, by the way) You know how to wake me up from sleep when you need your things (that is NOT true. She needed to wake up anyway. It was late.) then you throw your things back at me? Don't go to school la, if that's what you learn! (The continued favourite scold phrase)"

I stared into her eyes, not really feeling anything. I just kept staring.

Then she slapped me.

I didn't break eye contact once. And I won't forget the sting. I just kept staring at her, fully awake now, and I'm surprised by her actions, and started to feel that smothering reflex hatred burning. I didn't break eye contact. I just bored into her eyes, which is the best I could do. I didn't have to scream and shout and walk out of the house and slam the door. I didn't have to walk silently to the window and jump out, which is what I considered doing, which is what I knew would scar her for life. I didn't say a single word, although I know a lot of them that would reduce her from my mother to a self-pitying woman. For a moment, she wasn't my mother. Flashes of revenge thoughts just ran through. I didn't care who she was. I didn't break eye contact.

And that, is the most direct way to end the confrontation. Angrily, she broke off, still scolding me, but she no longer challenged me back with those intensely black eyes.

After that, as the sting faded from my cheek, I wondered if I handled it maturely, or I was simply too tired to care. Of course I feel the hurt, that my mother would vent her frustrations on me (she isn't usually like that, but that is no excuse to hit your own children). Come morning, she would be alright again. Or maybe it would take longer. But as things go in my household, we don't confront the problem. We just pretend to forget. It's just a matter of time.

There are no apologies, only cold wars. And I would ignore her, for a period, but c'mon, how long could I do that? When you're a teenager and under the power of your parents, there is really nothing much you can do. Forget about human rights. It's the bare truth. And it's not going to change.

The best way, the most grown-up way to do this, is to forgive my mother, because she might be going through a rough patch. Or maybe even apologize to her, and it might make her feel better. But I don't want to. This is when I don't want to be pragmatic, because I hope she can see fault with herself. She's not perfect. I'm not perfect. Conflicts are going to happen - they might even be necessary. But my mother is not introspective like I am. She is a good person, I can tell. But she is only human. So am I.

Let life go on. But one day (which I hope will never come), all these 'forgotten' conflicts will come back to haunt us. I hope that day, I still love my mother enough to not hate her.

pday

2008-04-02T04:08:00.002+08:00

(Yesterday = today post)

I totally fell asleep after getting home because it was such a sucky day and I was too tired to care, even though there were around three thousand things for me to do.

Spent last night (last last night. Aiya, the night before pday) helping Zhengyu do his jianbao and Sean with his research on carbon nanotubes, since they're all busy with projects and I have nothing to prepare for, except homework. I've decided to poke my nose in those projects that need help and contribute =)

Oh but if you're doing Cat 1, please. Don't ask for my help.

Because I don't have a project, I'm forced to watch the Cat 1 projects. It's HORRIBLE. Everyone is experimenting about antioxidants.

Antioxidants in wine.
Antioxidants in petai.
Antioxidants in walnuts.
Antioxidants in leaves.
Antioxidants in vegetables.
Antioxidants in camels.

Okay I made the last one up, but it pretty much sums up Cat 1. Cracked a lot of antioxidant jokes with Bo Dong. We wondered what would happen if antioxidants were found to have detrimental effects on the human health.

Bo Dong: Am I an antioxidant? Are you an antioxidant? Can I eat you? Raaaa!

Now I'm anti-antioxidant (which makes me oxidant).

We basically hopped around project venues, like the terrible English ones with war poems and stuff. Blahblahblah.

At least for Cat 1 I gained some knowledge on various science terms such as plasmids, thalassemia, chitin, chelation, rancidification. No, actually I didn't. But it's fun watching the people presenting trying to pronounce them.

HCI has some good speakers, though, even from the science department.

Quotes:

Judge: I seriously doubt you can produce free radicals just by shining light on oil and water.

From a powerpoint slide: Crystals have special healing properties."

There was an interesting Cat 6 (English) project on "Funky Fillers" (THE TITLE SUCKS THE TITLE SUCKS THE TITLE SUCKS).

Fillers are words like "Um", "Uh", "Oh"...

Um okay.

In one slide, the group mentioned how they want to investigate how fillers help in the comprehension of language. (wth)

So Bo Dong asked for an example.

"For example, when you want someone to pick up a red ball, you say, "Can you pick up that yellow, uh, red ball for me?" That 'uh' will actually allow for more time for the listener to spot your mistake."

Uh, whatever.

***

I'm stressed up.

Sat. Full Dress.

Enough said.
***
I ain't no third person...

Besides, that uniform roleplay thing + feather dildo Teezhuo suggested is disgusting.

So strange 'no.

paranoia

2008-03-31T19:57:00.002+08:00

I think I'm a naturally paranoid person.

Every first days of any event big or small (new school, new term, camps, you name it you got it) I can't sleep. I'll walk around in ages, wondering what would happen. Then there's the over-analysis thing I do to conversations. I used to scrutinize every word and suspect whether there's any trace of hypocrisy in it. Then I'll start getting panic attacks and think to myself, "Is the jerk they're talking about me?"

Luckily I'm not that bad now, after seeing my hypothetical therapist. But I think my paranoia has got something to do with my company.

After my seriously weird blogpost yesterday, qfnnn suggested something:

jiasheng: something really funny happened today
jiasheng: and i'm blogging about it
qifannn: ic.
qifannn: hmmm? okayy
jiasheng: done
qifannn: okies :)

(He goes to read.)

qifannn: omgg
jiasheng: yes omggg
qifannn: well is he alone? shldn't it be a grp thingg
qifannn: and maybe he's like a masochist and derives sexual pleasure frm that
jiasheng: i just puked.
jiasheng: right.
qifannn: xD
qifannn: or that he can admire you by doing that..
qifannn: or smth
jiasheng: omg can you NOT give me alternatives and possibilities?

Then Rebecca commented:

Rebecca: aye, i din get to go to the arcade this weekend. x(
jiasheng: i'm glad if i can survive the weekend
jiasheng: without poly people to get me to step on them
Rebecca: oh cmon, its like veh veh rare larr.
Rebecca: but you know, posting unglam stuff that happened to you on your blog is like. o.o
Rebecca: ohkay not unglam. weird.
jiasheng: but it's TRUE.
jiasheng: now i have my friends giving me strange emoticons on msn and asking, "are you sure you didn't have sex with him?"
jiasheng: i'm so sad.
Rebecca: i guess you just wanted to like help him. but then again, maybe it's a pre-april-fools joke,
Rebecca: (oh bahh i shudnt make it worst.)
jiasheng: omg
jiasheng:OMG
jiasheng: maybe that's what it is.
jiasheng: and my video is going to be all over the internet
jiasheng: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Rebecca: o.o
Rebecca: think simple. orientation camp task.
jiasheng: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
jiasheng: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Now I'm really really worried (though it's so unlikely and impossible) that my innocent bits are now circulated throughout the world and I'll be more famous than Edison Chen. People will recognize me by my crotch instead of my face. Oh my God KILL ME NOW!

Yeah then after school today I went to settle some uniform stuff. Went to collect the DM uniform for Edwin (who totally pissed me off in the morning, but never mind). I sauntered into the band hall with the key, because no one was there, and without switching on the main hall lights I shut myself in the little uniforms room.

Then I couldn't find the DM sash.

I started panicking, because I really can't recall whether Liu Zhen had returned it or not. I have a faint memory that he did, but my memory is so untrustworthy that I've abandoned all hope for it.

HOW?! L. Siao wants to see Edwin in it tomorrow!!!

AHHHHHH!

I practically SCREAMED in the uniforms room, which is one of the unpadded room in the band hall (which means if anyone is outside the main hall, my scream would be very very audible.)

Defeated and hoarse, I went out the room. The lights were on. I blinked.

THERE WAS SOMEONE THERE.

Apparently it was some JC percussionist. And she must have heard everything (from my inane shoutings to wild ululations).

I approached her, with the keys in hand.

"Erm, you're here for sectionals right? Yeah can you pass this to Da Xian. He's the SL right. Ya please get him to drop it off after you people use this room okay? Thanks a lot bye bye!"

Then I scooted off.

***
(Sms)

jiasheng: DIE. I can't find the dm sash! Can't rmb whether lz returned.
qifannn: Ask him. I thought it's in de uic cupboard on de dm uniform
jiasheng: Can't find it leh. You got see ar.
qifannn: Yeah I think so. Hmmm. Maybe g** stole it.
jiasheng: omg no.

**names have be omitted to protect social pariahs.

Now I have to brace myself for my imagination running wild, like someone using the sash as a napkin/ a frottage accessory/ a strangling rope/ toilet paper.

***

After Jap today Yi Ling san pulled me aside and asked, with a straight face, "Eh, you not going to disappear for another 2 months right? During our presentation project."

Sigh.

It reminds of something. Which happens tomorrow.

To: Jiexuan, Huiyao, Ryan

I've not really addressed this, except for the stupid immature flames I posted soon after that. Yeah, I find it childish of me.

I've been trying put down this issue for ages, hoping time will bury it, or our revived friendliness will mask the unhappiness.

I really think that it is unnecessary to discuss anymore, and even as I type this I fear that old feelings will be stirred, and any amount of friendship won't heal old scars.

And honestly, I don't believe that making a clean conclusion, after so much time has elapsed, would make any things better.

This is maybe just to say something that I've been slowly realizing as then till now.

I need to say that I really treasure what we have now: the ability to talk and laugh together, joke about each other, and I really can't express my joy when I heard Huiyao pass a comment on one occasion: "It's not fun without Jiasheng around."

Yeah. I remember all these things, because I realize it's not easy. It's not easy having people to talk to every morning, instead of pretending not to see each other and turning deliberate big rounds to avoid each other. It's not easy to be able to start talking to each other again, after a infinitely long period of silence. It's not easy being friends. I hope I can call you people that, because that's how I view you guys.

A lot of things have happened since. Many of those things taught me that I was in the wrong for the most part during our collaboration last year. I was childish. I was immature. I was uncommunicative. I was AP. No excuses about it. And as much as I would like to explain myself, there are too many things that I feel are just excuses I made for myself. So it's definitely easier to admit faults. Have I learnt from those faults? I'll leave you people to judge.

But I'll like to say: Thanks. For giving me a second chance, even when I look back, I see myself as a horrible person with severe flaws. Maybe this is a little heavy for you, a little apology/conclusion of what happened nearly a year ago. But just pardon me, okay? It's what I need to get off my chest.

You people have been more than tolerant of me. You've accepted me again, despite how I had rejected you people. This goes to all the great people whom I've offended but allowed me to grow up. I'm really, so glad, for you guys.

All the best for your projects.

Happy Pday anniversary.

2008-03-30T22:10:00.002+08:00

Weird, weird, weird, WEIRD day.

As usual, lie in on Sunday mornings, after a very unpleasant MSN experience. Woke up and saw Weiqi's sms (or technically, Edwin. Or even more technically, from Leng) :

philwinds will be performing today (sun) at vivocity 1-2pm, level 1 atrium. Ask others to come too. Fantillusion, beauty n beast, galaxy 999, grease, coral sea
msg frm mr leng

Actually I was supposed to go to the library with Tze Han and Aik Hwee, since Aik Hwee invited me last week, so I was thinking that I should go to the Philwinds thing first then head for the library.

I reached Vivo at 1.10.

And NO ONE WAS THERE. As in, no Hwachong people. The actual location was packed though. Hundreds of people sitting on the white chairs, with Philwinds packed into a tiny stage. It wasn't even half the Philwinds. Later, Mr Leng said that three quarters of Philwinds had another concert (Philharmonic Chamber Orchestra) and some people have commitments on Sundays.

I looked wildly around. Then I gave up and just stood there, with my bulky books and bag. I was holding 4 books in one hand (Add Maths, 2 Jap textbooks, 1 Jap listening). The music was as usual Philwinds standard, but all poppish and suitable for y'know, event playing.

After every song I looked around. In the end the only person I found was Uncle Nicholas (Ng) from HCJC. Apparently he was also sorely disappointed by the turnout (of the attendance of HCIB people). He was expecting the whole band to be there.

After the performance we talked to Mr. Leng and we went around Vivo (because it's Leng's first time there *gasps*) and Leng treated us to Ben's and Jerry's (which is Nicholas' and my first time xP) Then Leng dropped us off at Bugis.

Yeah it's all very fun.

Oh it's Mr. Lim's birthday tomorrow (31/3). Please niao him about his age (39).

So when I reached National Library it's already like 5 something. And I haven't studied a single thing.

I went to the nearest level with decent seats. I opened my bag. And guess what?

I didn't bring my pencil case.

...

So I went home. I was on my way home, walking around the HDB flats in TP, and suddenly this dude walked up to me and asked for help.

"Hello, can you help me?"

Because he was visibly sweating and all, so I thought that someone jumped off a building and survived and needs medical attention or something, so I was like, "What? What happened?"

Luckily (or unluckily, as you would see later), he told me he was from Temasek Poly and apparently they're still having their orientation. And one of the tasks was to approach a youth in TP (so strange to call myself a youth) and do a task.

So I asked, "What?"

And he said, "You have to stand on me. I'll lie down and you have to step on my chest and move slowly down to my knee and back up. And you have to take a video doing it,"

WHAT.

And you know what's the most ridiculous thing? I AGREED.

Orientations are so absurdly stupid.

So we went up to Block 63 at some stairwell, where he lain down on the floor and I stomped on him. I swore I heard his ribs crack.

It was so funnily stupid. We were like two teenagers in a stairwell, doing some illicit stuff. Every time we heard footsteps, then I'll jump off whichever part of him and try again.

So, so embarrassing.

After that extremely torturous session (for me, since I seem to wince more than him when I move), he said, "I really don't want to ask this, but there's this bonus thing,"

I'm supposed to step on his FACE AND DO STUPID STUFF.

(Now as I blog this, it sounds really dumb, but at that time I was just in a daze and said yes to everything.)

After THAT, which took about 15 minutes, we were both visibly embarrassed and then he was like, "Erm, one final thing."

That point of time I screamed silently, "NONONONONONONONONONONO."

But I said, "Please tell me it's the last last thing."

The last task was to step on him for 5 MINUTES.

Ouch ouch ouch.

When I was done it was 8 plus. When I was about to go home it was 7.

What a crazy (understatement) day.

***

After that I went to buy stationery. My mum only gave me 35 bucks and her Popular card.

HELLO, how on earth do I survive with that in Popular?!

I spent 40 bucks.

And yes, I finally got my binder notebook. It is my new looooove.

my. file. is. back.

2008-03-29T20:30:00.002+08:00

Oh today was a mundane day, with outdoors, and L. Siao gave us early release (I wonder why) and then went for lunch with Gideon (I wonder why), then he tagged along when I went to buy feathers (I wonder why) and I dragged myself home to find my house empty and I didn't bring my keys (I wonder why) and today was pretty much a wonderful day.

So yeah, this is how my day ends.

I FOUND MY FILE YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAHHHHHHH!

I can do EVERYTHING.

I can drink booze.

I can have sex.

I can seduce anyone I want.

I can drink potatoes through a straw.

I can fly.

I can play a clarinet, a horn, a harp, a set of timpani, a euphonium, an entire string ensemble SIMULTANEOUSLY.

...but most importantly, I can hand in my homework.

confessions of a broken heart.

2008-03-27T20:01:00.002+08:00

Today is a sad day. Everyone is sad.

I woke up late (because I slept at 2 studying Jap) and yelled at the cat stalking outside my door. It always does that, waiting for my brother to feed it, but I swear that if I wasn't the nice guy I think I am, I would have totally stomped the cat flat and tied it to the middle of the elevator door to let it be squished repeatedly.

Then I met Edwin on the bus, who wasn't bad to me (he dozed off after me and I resisted poking him awake) but I still sulked.

The band people were nice to me and at least listened to me crap.

Chinese was stupid because I STILL CAN'T FIND MY FILE AND ALL MY HOMEWORK IS INSIDE. LeeWC wanted the worksheet in today, but I am just too irritated to photocopy and redo. So I'm just waiting for her to scold me.

Then it was Lit. Usually my favourite subject, today it was just sucked. LohWL spent half the lesson scolding people who didn't do their reflections. Then she hailed at us for a while, obviously very disappointed and hurt and angry, then stormed out.

During Physics Lab lesson Yap Shinn was noticeable sad. He didn't even smile once. When I thanked him for helping me with the apparatus, he just zonked out and said, "What?" I repeated my thanks for 3 times before he got it. Then he was like, "Welcome," blankly, and walked off.

Even the green plate canteen auntie is sad. She looks depressed while she scooped up my potatoes. She didn't even hear my cheerful "Thank you auntie!"

The RI girl I met on 156 was teary-eyed like someone dumped her but it's probably an eye infection.

You know what? I think I desperately try to brighten people's day up, but it doesn't work this way. Just hope they cheer up soon.

***

Yes I am officially pissed about my file. If it's not going to appear soon I'll use every blog link I can get and tag on everyone's blog, "HAVE YOU SEEN MY FILE?! HUH?! HUH?!"

***

I need to confess. I'm sorry to everyone I'm disappointing.

Today, for the first time in weeks, or precisely 5 and a half weeks, or 11 lessons, or 22 hours, or 3 chapters, 1 CA and 1 composition, I went for 3rd Lang. Yes. I ponned for that long.

For no apparent reason.

It was easy to say that I need to skip because it was test week, then sabbactical week because I deserve a break, then blahblahblah.

It's my fault. I let myself slip.

The last time I ponned for that long, it was for some urgent matters. But now it's nowhere near anything urgent. It's my fault.

I thought I could catch up, because I eventually did, for the last time. I thought they would only cover 2 chapters. But no. Now I've missed everything.

It's my fault.

Sensei was dramatically, but reasonably shocked to see me.

"Jyasen san?!" She actually gave an audible gasp, like I was back from the dead.

But now I am determined. I don't care how busy I'm going to be, I'm gonna catch up. Mark my words.

***

Now I know how people I tease feel.

I know how horrible it feels to be toyed with.

Like you're a puppet held by strings which you don't control.

I don't like this game.

this explains a lot.

2008-03-26T21:52:00.002+08:00

eat apples says (8:34 PM):
hmm? emoing, are we?

jiasheng coruscation//why did you leave me? says (8:35 PM):
yeah.

eat apples says (8:36 PM):
i wun prod u for who it is, but i will ask u why.

jiasheng coruscation//why did you leave me? says (8:37 PM):
because almost all my life is devoted in that "who"

eat apples says (8:38 PM):
all your life on one person... thats quite risky, putting all ur eggs in one basket

jiasheng coruscation//why did you leave me? says (8:38 PM):
yeah
i learnt my lesson
but i'm still devastated.
trying to pick up the pieces and get on with my life
but i can't even go to school tomorrow.

eat apples says (8:39 PM):
u can't?

jiasheng coruscation//why did you leave me? says (8:39 PM):
yeah. i'm lost.

eat apples says (8:40 PM):
if i know u enough, u shld be able to get on with life in a few days

jiasheng coruscation//why did you leave me? says (8:40 PM):
i don't know.
it'll be hard recovering all my stuff.

jiasheng coruscation//why did you leave me? says (8:41 PM):
the teachers will kill me
i don't even know my schedule anymore.
STUPID FILE. WHY DID YOU GO MISSING.

eat apples says (8:42 PM):
if u aren't organised, then all of us will be pure chaos

jiasheng coruscation//why did you leave me? says (8:43 PM):
sigh. i can sing a sonnet about my missing file.
"with you, i know why they say absence make the heart grow fonder"
"yet my heart is cracking into pieces."
"why did you leave me?"

jiasheng coruscation//why did you leave me? says (8:44 PM):
"i trusted you to be by my side"
"telling me the new term 2 schedule"
"providing me with all my papers"
um, anyway, gotcha.

eat apples says (8:44 PM):
wow. jiasheng the romantic poet.

eat apples says (8:45 PM):
i just KNEW there was sth wrong

***

I did the 'Jiasheng is emo because he lost his file HAHAHA GOTCHA!' thing to qifann and zhengyu too.

Just to warn chickenintoaster, do not make fun of teezhuo's msn nick, though I would admit it's rather dumb.

2008-03-26T18:20:00.002+08:00

I AM DEAD TIRED.

Tuesday ended with me reaching home at 10 plus after holding the beret workshop. I was thinking to myself how great it is to have Wednesday free (the Principal declared it a holiday because the seniors scored um predictable results) and to sleep in.

So after I reached home I stuffed down dinner (yeah I haven't ate) and took out contacts and slept.

The next morning my mum was waking me up at 5 plus (I wake up at 5) and telling me to wake up. I was mumbling something in my sleep then my mum was like asking non-sarcastically 'today no school for you ar' because she always say that. If it was a normal day and I didn't want to wake up she would ask the same thing and let me go back to sleep and I would miss school.

So I nodded incoherently and went back to sleep, until some undefined time. I woke up and wasn't sure. I stumbled out to the living room to check. 7.40. Yawn. I dragged myself to the kitchen and got something to drink. Why am I up so early? I was chewing some breakfast when it hit me.

SECTIONALS START AT 8.

Weiqi smsed me yesterday but I totally FORGOT to set my alarms and all.

So I smsed him that I'll be late and rushed to school and reached at 8.30.

Sectionals till 12 something (I think).

Taught Walter and Wang Zhi how to make a beret (which reminds me about something.)

Went for lunch with Rick, Liang Jun and Edwin. Edwin, being the crazy DM he is, made us march (okay la, we are also siao) to Coro with the SYF repertoire.

Craaazy day. Then Percs had sectionals. So I left and went home. To catch up on my sleep. Woke up at like 6 plus.

Yawn.

Okay. Time to do stuff.

2008-03-25T04:11:00.002+08:00

(Note: Again, this is a 'yesterday means today' post, so, yeah.)

So yesterday was the day I got sent out of class for not doing maths work.

Along with more than half the class, that is.

Anyway, the main highlight was going to Beach Road with qfnn and Jiehan to get uniform stuff. 6th week ><

Jh really changed a lot.

Uhm. I can't think of anything else to say, and I have to finish that maths homework, or else I'll be sent out again.

Bye.

bishan library, my new love.

2008-03-23T20:43:00.002+08:00

Usually I hate Bishan library because you can get to see all the blatant things the Raffles couples are doing to each other, but today proved to be a rewarding session there because I finished Physics and Chem in two hours.

And unlike TP library, I don't have to hunt for some secluded spot to scribble my answers without some uncle looking over them. I was lounging on some sofa seat. It was comfortable. And I could go down to the cafe to get ice cream brownie (ooh!) anytime. Just that no one was there for company =(

Oh. There were some random HCJC guys sitting behind me.

So now I'm home with half my homework done. Rebecca told me there was Jurassic Park on, but I realized I was not paying to the TV (I have a mini TV in the computer room) but was reading blogs. So. Yeah.

I heard some depressing news yesterday. I don't know how true it is, and I'm in no position to ask, but sometimes I wish I don't have to grow up. When relationships become more important, things are compromised. Then I feel selfish because everyone deserves to love and be loved, and no one can stop them, really. I should feel happy for my seniors, right?

Oh yeah sorry to qfnn for being a little daoish.

Um, I didn't know saxas had an outing! It's not a bad idea, but maybe it should be after SYF.

Okay.

Nothing to say.

*Poof*

stand alone.

2008-03-23T11:22:00.002+08:00

There is peace but it is a thing rarely known in this world of worries and sorrows and not to be confused with the absence of war, which is a very different thing. Peace comes from within man, a philosophical bent, a spiritual power which all too few men can know. The absence of war is a waiting, a time between storms. It may be because one side is afraid of another but usually it is because both are unsure of victory, because there is a balance or near balance of power. Let it be said, therefore, that our nations will probably never know peace in our time, true peace, but that the absence of war is possible and can be achieved by strategy, readiness and fortitude. By effort. More, let it be said that the absence of war is satisfactory for most of men's endeavours: to have his job, family, religion. the pillar of that kind of "peace" which is the absence of war is a preparedness to go to war, to defend and attack well enough so that one's possible enemies can never attack with certainty of victory, with impunity. (Stand Alone, pg237-238)

What troubled me was the sense of isolation. The isolation between what I did and what it was meant to be for, between what I did and what it was meant to be for, between what some rules said and what was done, between the camp and the real world, between - when I was a cadet, the officer and me, between me and the other cadets who were either bad at the game which training had become, or were good and didn't care to see it was all a game, and - when I was an officer, between me and the riflemen I led. I mean I did well. I got a sword, just like Mike had three years ahead of me. I did my father proud, as my mother kept saying. That wasn't the problem. It was the isolation. (Stand Alone, pg239)

Beyond that board game, we enjoyed peace or, as I learnt later, "the absence of war", which was enough for life to go on. (Stand Alone, pg241)

I must have know it all along. I just didn't think about it: life was just going along and if we didn't have peace or happiness, there was no war or sadness.
Isolation. Silence. The willingness and ability to stand on my own. To stand alone. This is how I'll describe it for now, until I learn better, when I think about it more. (Stand Alone, pg243-244)

How true.

thank you.

2008-03-22T21:24:00.002+08:00

Thanks a lot, world.

Things in my life today:

Taxi, Cake, Feathers, Beret, Workshop, Unproductivity, Fun, Seniors, Conversations.

//Edit: No, I can't possibly leave such an insubstantial post!

Okay in the morning I left the house for Bugis, when I was supposed to be at band prac. Bought feathers various sewing stuff and ran around like a chic male diva (what? The English language is so incredibly sexist that you can't convert female nouns to male ones, but you can vice versa.) in my jeans and BLAZING hci T-shirt, looking for a cake. Thanks to Edwin who wants one for Jason's birthday, which is actually on Monday but blahblablah.

Then I hailed a taxi and went to band prac. Changed into shorts and dumped the cake and the rest of the stuff at the band room.

Which was quite dumb, because I freaked out at the Jon Lee's presence. WHAT IS HE DOING HERE. But it went okay and we sang the birthday song (which L. Siao pointed out that it starts on the pickup note) and woohoo it ended and a bunch of us went for lunch and then I conducted a bad workshop which EVERYTHING went wrong but never mind I'm past and over that and we went to watch the bands which booked the school field and I had a fun time talking GOSSIP with the seniors and later my dad called me and ZOMG he's actually transporting the display band so I um sullenly sat in the bus and the percussionists all bunched together talking crap and then my dad brought me to Bugis AGAIN and gave the auntie the sample of the lanyard I need her to make then I went home and ate dinner and SLEPT.

Okay.

Okay.

L. Siao: Why you never go get the stuff during the holidays? Should get during the holidays right.
Me: Very cruel 'no.

Oh yeah I forgot to mention that yes, my dad drives people around. SEE?! I told you I was poor. POOR.

And he is prone to monologues. He'll tell me what I ought to do (his favourite topic now is currently 'Jiasheng should get a scholarship because...') and I just nod and remain silent and pray he runs out of things to say, which never happens.

Then we were driving past ~~Gheyland~~ Geyland and he was like, "Look at the prostitutes! Next time when you're 18 I'll bring you around."

WHAT.

Okay I should really be doing homework now so I should ask someone I know out to somewhere (like Woodlands library) and STUDY STUDY.

BOOM. I'm off.

all about gideon.

2008-03-21T10:07:00.003+08:00

This might be the greatest mistake of my life.

I might regret it till I die, and beyond.

My mother might disown me.

BUT I STILL WILL BLOG ABOUT GIDEON.

You see, after sleeping a long long time yesterday, I finally realized my true destiny in life.

It is to conform to the ideals of our HOLY DIVINE GODLY GID.

Because you see, He is our Saviour from the Dreary Depths of the Horrible Band.

Oh my Gid, it's just all so wonderful!

If we elect him as DM, then we will be redeemed from our sins.

We will no longer have blasphemous less-than-90-degree leg angles.
We will no longer be slacky (gasp!) and have wasteful breaks after CIP (gaspx2!)
We will march EXACTLY together (praise our Gid!), in the following fashion:

Kiri, (scratch), Kiri, (scratch), Kiri Kanan Kiri (scratch)!

Who cares about democracy, when you can get to scratch half the time you march? You know our Gid is the best leader you're ever going to have, so what are you waiting for? Vote for Him now!

Besides, He will tell you exactly what to do! Our Gid is already disseminating instructions to the current leaders what to do! They don't listen, but there will always be infidels. Don't worry! Our Gid, with His Magical Scratching Staff will perform His miracles!

***

That was the best I could offer.

But might teach him a lesson. Along with the others' post. It's sweet revenge.

Had a great day out at MS with the people yesterday, talking about um. Teenager stuff.

Anyway.

I have got 400 bucks worth of stuff to buy for the band, so whoopie. And homework. and homework.

Ciao-.

***

I still can't shake the idea that JX is emo because of me. It's really ego of me to think that, but I think it's my fault. Isn't it?