Okay I was totally going to blog about how much fun I had these two days, talking with really good euphonium players, who are all majors by the way, and talking about leadership stuff, how we should stay professional, discussing the best punishment (lol) (we decided that rewriting scores is the best), playing really fun music and random songs, having lunch together and laughing over the stupidest things.

Yeah, I had a lot of fun at NCO pre-camp, I won't deny that. But it makes me feel like Lionel (Tan), and I don't feel comfortable.

Lionel used to say that the NCO people are much more sincere, blahblahblah. And I thought that was bullshit, 'cause it doesn't mean that you can go off marrying the other NCO people just because the exco didn't work out. 

But it's true. I feel more relaxed. More refreshed. Talking about major stuff, I feel like I'm getting back the passion that got me to do things for the band, which I've been losing these days.

These days, I function as BM because I need to. Running through the motions. I even feel tired of it sometimes; questioning my worth, not too sure of why I'm doing all these.

Now, I know I want to do it. Because I want to. Being around with competent players and leaders (who are much better than me), makes me aspire to want to be someone. To do something for my band. 

I don't want tiresome quarrels. I don't want bitchy discussions. I don't want people to comment on my batch saying, "Oh, on the surface they do things, but actually they suck man."

I don't want to feel worthless as a BM. I don't to think negative thoughts (which I do a lot nowadays). I don't want to see things which go against my principles, yet I can't do anything about, except be resentful and wonder when things are going to be right again.

I want to do something!

I'm no Lionel. I don't feel the need to escape, and I won't use NCO pre-camp as a sad excuse because things aren't working out now. I'm going to use whatever I've learnt, and after we come back from exams we'll have a fresh start.

To whoever who's reading this now, and if it applies to you:
If I've done anything wrong, I'm sorry. Really. I'll forgive your faults. After exams, let's work together again. Work on a clean slate.

Jiayou, everyone.

p/s I don't think I deserve to thank everyone for the FY exchange, since I did nothing, but I really appreciate all your help, especially the guys who came early to help, and Qi Fan and Jie Xuan for settling a lot of work. Please take a good rest.

p/s/s Qi Fan, I'm sorry if I was uber mean (I know I was), because you are the one who suffered the most from the work, and I really did nothing at all, so I don't deserve to criticize you at all. I'm sorry.