blog/enigma

Sunday, August 31, 2008

9:11 PM

I spent the whole day mooching around, staring at the computer, randomly trying to play the piece Walter was playing, waiting for attendance.

I corresponded with qf with emails even though I know he's online. I was being rather mean, too. Somehow.

Started thinking about a lot of things. Since a long time ago.

I thought about how I was a nobody in sec 1. A horrible little twit with too much ego and too little knowledge of how things work. A little ugly boy with too much honesty and too much brashness. Too little tolerance and too much self-righteousness.

And I thought about how I changed.

I met friends. I befriended friends, severed ties with them, and became cold acquaintances. Sometimes we warmed up. Sometimes we just can't be bothered.

Thought about too many lies. Lies I told my parents, my friends, myself.

Thought about friends who weren't really friends. Thought about how selfish relationships can be. Thought about happy times - and how those times make me feel utterly miserable now.

Thought I was the problem. Thought I wasn't.

Thought that I'm really lucky. And I'm really not.

Thought I had the respect I wanted. Thought that I could lost everything at once. And thought that I didn't really want all that respect, after all.

Thought about my seniors.

Remembered how I was mean to them, and they were mean to me. Remembered Luther told me to wait for my year. I never did.

I apologized to some of them. Others I never did. But most I hate all the same, even the ones I apologized to.

Thought about Edwin. I don't really know him. He deserves all my respect. But somehow I don't give him any. I don't hate him.

Thought about Jie Xuan. Ups and downs. I won't forget what he did, even if he does. Or did.

Thought about Qi Fan. Or Qifannn. I don't know what to call him. He was my closest friend, in a way. It was just that I wasn't his.

Thought about my more ordinary friends. I like them.

Thought about exco. They deserve a better leader than me. They are wonderful people. Cooperative. Non-complaining. Smart, funny. Great company.

Thought about Melissa Lai. She's hardworking. And efficient. And sincere.

Thought about the person. Wonders who he is. And what I'll do when I finally know.

Thought about Liang Jun. And feels sorry for him, and myself. I shouldn't expect him to be a friend who cares when I say, "I'm okay la" too quickly.

Thought about what I've done. Thought about what I'm doing, and not doing.

And didn't want to think anymore.

signed, jiasheng

19th Sept
hci
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