blog/enigma

Thursday, April 03, 2008

1:59 AM

There are some things that you shouldn't mention on blogs. You should only give vague emo suicidal thoughts on how your life suck and you want to die.

I went home today, after an infinitely tiring day of buying 80 hangers and lugging them home. Was too fatigued to speak because I have a sore throat developing, and tonnes of work to do (they're still left undone).

Collapsed on the bed.

My mother screamed at me. Irritation level goes up.

What?

Apparently she wants her thumbdrive back.

Okay, fine, you bitchy woman (no I didn't say that, although any one with any one functioning sensory organ could deduce that). I dumped the thumbdrive on the table.

Then she shouted at me.

"IS this what the school teaches you? (Her favourite scold phrase, by the way) You know how to wake me up from sleep when you need your things (that is NOT true. She needed to wake up anyway. It was late.) then you throw your things back at me? Don't go to school la, if that's what you learn! (The continued favourite scold phrase)"

I stared into her eyes, not really feeling anything. I just kept staring.

Then she slapped me.

I didn't break eye contact once. And I won't forget the sting. I just kept staring at her, fully awake now, and I'm surprised by her actions, and started to feel that smothering reflex hatred burning. I didn't break eye contact. I just bored into her eyes, which is the best I could do. I didn't have to scream and shout and walk out of the house and slam the door. I didn't have to walk silently to the window and jump out, which is what I considered doing, which is what I knew would scar her for life. I didn't say a single word, although I know a lot of them that would reduce her from my mother to a self-pitying woman. For a moment, she wasn't my mother. Flashes of revenge thoughts just ran through. I didn't care who she was. I didn't break eye contact.

And that, is the most direct way to end the confrontation. Angrily, she broke off, still scolding me, but she no longer challenged me back with those intensely black eyes.

After that, as the sting faded from my cheek, I wondered if I handled it maturely, or I was simply too tired to care. Of course I feel the hurt, that my mother would vent her frustrations on me (she isn't usually like that, but that is no excuse to hit your own children). Come morning, she would be alright again. Or maybe it would take longer. But as things go in my household, we don't confront the problem. We just pretend to forget. It's just a matter of time.

There are no apologies, only cold wars. And I would ignore her, for a period, but c'mon, how long could I do that? When you're a teenager and under the power of your parents, there is really nothing much you can do. Forget about human rights. It's the bare truth. And it's not going to change.

The best way, the most grown-up way to do this, is to forgive my mother, because she might be going through a rough patch. Or maybe even apologize to her, and it might make her feel better. But I don't want to. This is when I don't want to be pragmatic, because I hope she can see fault with herself. She's not perfect. I'm not perfect. Conflicts are going to happen - they might even be necessary. But my mother is not introspective like I am. She is a good person, I can tell. But she is only human. So am I.

Let life go on. But one day (which I hope will never come), all these 'forgotten' conflicts will come back to haunt us. I hope that day, I still love my mother enough to not hate her.

signed, jiasheng

19th Sept
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