blog/enigma

Sunday, March 09, 2008

9:42 PM

Today the library utterly failed me. I couldn't find a single book that caught my eye.

And that's saying a lot, since until recently, I used to be attracted to any book that has words on it. I yearn for books all the time. I can't step into a bookstore without feeling I have to buy everything in it.

I blame the sabbatical for my distaste now. Instead of just reading because I want to read, I've become very judgmental, and when I see a chick lit or a gossipy teenage novel, I tell myself, No, this is substanceless and intellectually insipid. You deserve much better. Though all I want is to indulge in these you-don't-have-to-think-just-enjoy! books.

It's the same with movies. I've not watched a lot of movies (financial constrains!), so every time I do I end up amazed and bright-eyed, squealing at the characters and plots, no matter how lousy they are. Then my ego compels me to say, Nah, this is just another shallow Hollywood production. But the truth is I actually like them. I don't care how bad they are - to me, they're not really that bad, since (a) there's little comparison I can make and (b) I don't think they are that bad, as compared to Channel 8 dramas.

Every time I watch a movie (which is pretty rare. Reason aforementioned.), then read up on it on the internet (I do that. Am I the only one?), and read all about the horrible reviews, I'll wonder if I really have poor taste. It kinds of deflate the mood, especially when I've enjoyed the movie so much.

Then another confession. I've never, ever, watched those indie movies (unless you count Singapore Dreaming, which I pretty much enjoyed). I attribute it to financial instability again, but I think the real reason is that no one around me watches that kind of philosophical, intellectual stuff. So I don't. I fashion it (superficially) as boring and idiosyncratic.

So there you go. I'm actually pretty low-class. I laugh at the crassy jokes, sniff at the cheesy love lines, and is wowed by the tacky explosives. But they're really funny/romantic/action-packed!

Someday I will meet someone who appreciates my shallow self. Meanwhile, I can still pretentiously say, "Ew, another Hollywood clone movie? They're everywhere! I will not be a blind audience who feeds on mass products!"

All that said, never go to the movies with me. You'll be second-guessing what I'm feeling all the time so you can't ever get to watch the real thing.

C'mon! It's a movie. Just sit back and relax.

***

After the library episode (yes I kinda led you away from the topic right) I went to deposit money. Let me get in a word first. I am extremely poor. Honestly. And I have such a deep inferior complex about it that I can't even reveal what my miserly parents give me each month.

So there was I counting my money, and came to a shocking revelation. I spent 40 dollars last week. I spent the whole afternoon after depositing thinking about it. How could I possibly spend 40 dollars without even realizing it? It's like [insert large fraction here] of my allowance. I mean, it's possible, because I'm a total spendthrift (strange word, dontcha think) and I could spend as much money as you could give me. But I didn't even realize it.

I spend 40 dollars without even realizing it.

It's like, I'm really fine to spend money if I know where it goes. But now that I think of it, the 40 bucks just probably went to my canteen binge. And it just went so cunningly. You're my money, mister. You don't go away like that. I feel cheated.

Okay, I just talked to my dad about it. He lectured me a bit. Then he gave me 20 dollars more.

I know what you're thinking. So I have to tell you: HE NEVER DOES THINGS LIKE THESE. IT IS A DIVINE MIRACLE.

Actually, now that I think about it, he does that pretty often. But I rarely ask my parents for money. Really. I think they're trained me to do that. But I think I'm doing that more frequently now. And I actually feel ashamed of it. Go figure.

Dad: You could always use your CNY money. Then make sure you deposit it back into the account.

I didn't have the heart to tell him I already spent it all.

Don't look at me like that. The amount was super meager. Really. But fine, I admit I'm a horrible finance manager. So that leads me to my resolution! (A little late, but better late than never.)

Resolution: to have a finance diary that records what I spend on.

Hear all about it along with my posts.

signed, jiasheng

19th Sept
hci
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