blog/enigma

Monday, March 31, 2008

7:57 PM

I think I'm a naturally paranoid person.

Every first days of any event big or small (new school, new term, camps, you name it you got it) I can't sleep. I'll walk around in ages, wondering what would happen. Then there's the over-analysis thing I do to conversations. I used to scrutinize every word and suspect whether there's any trace of hypocrisy in it. Then I'll start getting panic attacks and think to myself, "Is the jerk they're talking about me?"

Luckily I'm not that bad now, after seeing my hypothetical therapist. But I think my paranoia has got something to do with my company.

After my seriously weird blogpost yesterday, qfnnn suggested something:

jiasheng: something really funny happened today
jiasheng: and i'm blogging about it
qifannn: ic.
qifannn: hmmm? okayy
jiasheng: done
qifannn: okies :)

(He goes to read.)

qifannn: omgg
jiasheng: yes omggg
qifannn: well is he alone? shldn't it be a grp thingg
qifannn: and maybe he's like a masochist and derives sexual pleasure frm that
jiasheng: i just puked.
jiasheng: right.
qifannn: xD
qifannn: or that he can admire you by doing that..
qifannn: or smth
jiasheng: omg can you NOT give me alternatives and possibilities?

Then Rebecca commented:

Rebecca: aye, i din get to go to the arcade this weekend. x(
jiasheng: i'm glad if i can survive the weekend
jiasheng: without poly people to get me to step on them
Rebecca: oh cmon, its like veh veh rare larr.
Rebecca: but you know, posting unglam stuff that happened to you on your blog is like. o.o
Rebecca: ohkay not unglam. weird.
jiasheng: but it's TRUE.
jiasheng: now i have my friends giving me strange emoticons on msn and asking, "are you sure you didn't have sex with him?"
jiasheng: i'm so sad.
Rebecca: i guess you just wanted to like help him. but then again, maybe it's a pre-april-fools joke,
Rebecca: (oh bahh i shudnt make it worst.)
jiasheng: omg
jiasheng:OMG
jiasheng: maybe that's what it is.
jiasheng: and my video is going to be all over the internet
jiasheng: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Rebecca: o.o
Rebecca: think simple. orientation camp task.
jiasheng: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
jiasheng: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Now I'm really really worried (though it's so unlikely and impossible) that my innocent bits are now circulated throughout the world and I'll be more famous than Edison Chen. People will recognize me by my crotch instead of my face. Oh my God KILL ME NOW!

Yeah then after school today I went to settle some uniform stuff. Went to collect the DM uniform for Edwin (who totally pissed me off in the morning, but never mind). I sauntered into the band hall with the key, because no one was there, and without switching on the main hall lights I shut myself in the little uniforms room.

Then I couldn't find the DM sash.

I started panicking, because I really can't recall whether Liu Zhen had returned it or not. I have a faint memory that he did, but my memory is so untrustworthy that I've abandoned all hope for it.

HOW?! L. Siao wants to see Edwin in it tomorrow!!!

AHHHHHH!

I practically SCREAMED in the uniforms room, which is one of the unpadded room in the band hall (which means if anyone is outside the main hall, my scream would be very very audible.)

Defeated and hoarse, I went out the room. The lights were on. I blinked.

THERE WAS SOMEONE THERE.

Apparently it was some JC percussionist. And she must have heard everything (from my inane shoutings to wild ululations).

I approached her, with the keys in hand.

"Erm, you're here for sectionals right? Yeah can you pass this to Da Xian. He's the SL right. Ya please get him to drop it off after you people use this room okay? Thanks a lot bye bye!"

Then I scooted off.

***
(Sms)

jiasheng: DIE. I can't find the dm sash! Can't rmb whether lz returned.
qifannn: Ask him. I thought it's in de uic cupboard on de dm uniform
jiasheng: Can't find it leh. You got see ar.
qifannn: Yeah I think so. Hmmm. Maybe g** stole it.
jiasheng: omg no.

**names have be omitted to protect social pariahs.

Now I have to brace myself for my imagination running wild, like someone using the sash as a napkin/ a frottage accessory/ a strangling rope/ toilet paper.

***

After Jap today Yi Ling san pulled me aside and asked, with a straight face, "Eh, you not going to disappear for another 2 months right? During our presentation project."

Sigh.

It reminds of something. Which happens tomorrow.

To: Jiexuan, Huiyao, Ryan

I've not really addressed this, except for the stupid immature flames I posted soon after that. Yeah, I find it childish of me.

I've been trying put down this issue for ages, hoping time will bury it, or our revived friendliness will mask the unhappiness.

I really think that it is unnecessary to discuss anymore, and even as I type this I fear that old feelings will be stirred, and any amount of friendship won't heal old scars.

And honestly, I don't believe that making a clean conclusion, after so much time has elapsed, would make any things better.

This is maybe just to say something that I've been slowly realizing as then till now.

I need to say that I really treasure what we have now: the ability to talk and laugh together, joke about each other, and I really can't express my joy when I heard Huiyao pass a comment on one occasion: "It's not fun without Jiasheng around."

Yeah. I remember all these things, because I realize it's not easy. It's not easy having people to talk to every morning, instead of pretending not to see each other and turning deliberate big rounds to avoid each other. It's not easy to be able to start talking to each other again, after a infinitely long period of silence. It's not easy being friends. I hope I can call you people that, because that's how I view you guys.

A lot of things have happened since. Many of those things taught me that I was in the wrong for the most part during our collaboration last year. I was childish. I was immature. I was uncommunicative. I was AP. No excuses about it. And as much as I would like to explain myself, there are too many things that I feel are just excuses I made for myself. So it's definitely easier to admit faults. Have I learnt from those faults? I'll leave you people to judge.

But I'll like to say: Thanks. For giving me a second chance, even when I look back, I see myself as a horrible person with severe flaws. Maybe this is a little heavy for you, a little apology/conclusion of what happened nearly a year ago. But just pardon me, okay? It's what I need to get off my chest.

You people have been more than tolerant of me. You've accepted me again, despite how I had rejected you people. This goes to all the great people whom I've offended but allowed me to grow up. I'm really, so glad, for you guys.

All the best for your projects.

Happy Pday anniversary.

signed, jiasheng