blog/enigma

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

8:45 PM

Horrible, tis' the way of thy broken beast,
It hideth within thy crooked walls
and dark ist its nature.

You shall pretend this is either:

a) a sophisticated poem from ancient times
b) some nonsense weird thing which I decided to write.
c) my suicide note.

Yes, just random.

Today wasn't too bad. Just that I read too much comics. I'm a comic guy, if you didn't know. That's how I like to draw stuff.

Sabback wasn't too bad, just that I have to WRITE A SHORT STORY BY TOMORROW AHH AHH AHH. Which isn't too bad but I HAVE WRITERS' BLOCK AHHH AHHH.

I wonder why insurance companies don't create a policy that insures artists and writers when they have writers' block. Like virtually every person who creates artistic work will buy it.

I'm confused whether I should take Pday or not. I probably wouldn't, since I'm so lazy and all, but I really dunno. Not that I could ask anyone to partner me or something. I'm like so totally a leper in the Projects' Day department. (I'm also too lazy to link the saga from last year, so you can carefully sieve out my archives if you want to find out.)

I DUNNO!

Maybe I should. Then ask someone to be my mentor. Like.

Next topic.

Met with sec1 junior today. He's not bad. At least not AP and he laughs at my jokes. So that's okay. I hate humourless people. Yeah I'm pretty glad he's my junior. And he's like, 10 days younger than me (he's PR, but apart from his name he's blended very well. He doesn't even have the accent. You know the weird cheena accent/ fake English accent the PRs ~~always~~ sometimes have.)

We were talking about DMship (again) today. I realize I keep saying I hate band politics and I'll never step into it, but I find myself constantly talking about it. How's that for hypocrisy? The question's always there. // next section is pretty tedious, so you might wanna stop reading here. when I white things out then it means that I feel like letting some people see it but if you find it offensive or weird or it changes your (positive) impression of me, I'll prefer you not highlight it.//

Do I want DMship? No. For several reasons. Which I may list.

Do I want Gideon to be DM? Personally, no. But I'm officially neutral and base my preferences on merit. So it's no anyway.

Assuming that Jiexuan would run for DM if Gideon and only Gideon is running, would I want Jiexuan to be DM? Personally, I'm neutral. (Or apathetic.) Officially, meritocracy-wise, no, if he's running just because he doesn't want Gideon to run. But I don't know how potentially Lionelish I can be if Jiexuan becomes DM and I can't accept that. So I dunno.

I think I sound really pompous on this but I'll just list it out anyway.

Why I don't want DMship

1) Simply, I announced, privately and publicly, that I don't want the post. Gideon wanted assurance that I wasn't a contender so he could, y'know, play his dirty politics, and I don't know, satisfy his DM Dream. I'm starting to feel rather sad for him when his time comes. Either sad or afraid that he'll become a fat, scratching Lionel. I'm gonna have nightmares tonight.

2) I don't think I'm competent for DMship. Outdoor-wise, no. Indoor - er. No. I guess. If we consider DM and BM on an equal level, I don't think I would, since BM would still need to be an exemplary leader. Which I am totally not capable of. I know my standard, so actually this is sort of like the major reason why I don't want DMship. And unlike Gideon, I don't have the motivation to improve myself.

3) The most capable people I see in my batch are pretty cliquish and more extroverted (than the quieter ones) so there's a lot of social work involved. I'm not confident of leading such a group of people, since (i) many of them I've had major conflicts with and (ii) I don't think I can work comfortably with Jiexuan, who has a big chance of getting a strong leadership post. I don't want to jeopardize the band's future like this. If I'm DM and I screw up, it's a big thing. So I'm just escaping responsibility.

4) This post pretty much sealed my chances of DMship. If I change my mind and go run for DM, people will mistrust my integrity. My leper status will return full strike and I don't think I want to spend another year imagining people talking behind my back.

Yet why am I writing this? Our batch is pretty weird to begin with, and I have no idea what's coming up next. The situation is pretty dire in the future. We're improving, but we need willing, capable leaders who can amass the votes. I'll sum it up in a whirl of generalization, but this is probably as true as it gets:

If Gideon gets the post
If miraculously (or catastrophically) Jiexuan doesn't run and Gideon wins, a strong disagreement will break out amongst the band and there will be low morale. Yet people will probably not quit (like they're swore they would) and everyone would be just unhappy. In my eyes (and many others) , Gideon is living in a self-delusion. Which he is not aware of. He already assumes he will get the post (which is why I pity him already, before I hate him later) - how ridiculous is that? Public opinion of him aside, he is just not the person. In Lionel's words, "The band will die. With Gideon, it will die faster." (how ironic.)

If Jiexuan gets the post
I hope Jiexuan will do a good job, but part of me thinks it's not probable. I'm not biased against him, seriously. In personal ways, yes, but if he becomes DM I will try my best to accept it. However it's just quite unlikely that JX will perform optimally. Still. Most of the band leaders only became capable after a while. I place the most hope (I'm serious!) on Jiexuan.

If someone else gets the post
Entirely possible. The black horse example came out too many times to be surprising. Time is an interesting thing that strikes you when you're least expecting it. Maybe the crouching tiger and hidden dragons are amidst us! =)

So that's it. Count me out for DMship. But don't ever ask me to do uniforms in my final year. Please allow me some dignity =)

(I'm not saying that UIC is saikang. But it's tiring. And starts to bore me after a while.)

signed, jiasheng

19th Sept
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