blog/enigma

Monday, January 28, 2008

11:56 AM

It's Monday. I didn't go to school today. Actually I did. For 5 minutes. Then I went home.

After that I slept till 12. Yeah.

Why? Officially my mum's gonna help me submit a sick letter. That's version A.

Version B is that I didn't sleep the whole night and stupidly drank coffee, which is equivalent to me downing 8 shots of strong vodka. I was trembling and hallucinating while I sat on the bus home. Numb and zombified. It was my worst coffee hangover.

Version C is that my life had just changed entirely. Or perhaps it had always been like that, but I was in my safety zone and simply blocked the unpleasant.

I'm sorry. I really don't know anything, for now. For now I'm a schizophrenic teenager who just woke up with tousled hair and bloodshot eyes.

Yes, schizophreniac is the word.

I have never been so afraid.

Recently I had a dream. I was at this ceremony. Then suddenly it started flooding. And I desperately tried to hold on but was washed away. When I came to, I was told that a number of years have passed and my life was completely different.

I wondered what the dream meant when I really woke up.

The thing now is that I can't find myself. I'm so lost in my world because I don't know who to be.

It's like a mask-changing thing. You know the Chinese performers? They rip off the masks right. Now I'm frantically ripping off mask after mask, trying to get my own face back. I may have ripped if off already and I'll be bleeding from my skull's face and I won't even know it.

I find it quite amazing that at this biggest crisis of my life, when I'm going have a nervous breakdown anytime, I can still calmly deal with all the things in my life. I decided after 5 minutes in school that I didn't want to stay. I smsed people to inform them. Classmates to help me collect work. SL to informed I'll be absent. My mum (bless her soul) to tell her I'm too tired and just want to go back. And someone whom I'm really not ready to deal with, however confident I am.

Then, a roller coaster ride. Flashes of images. Whispers taunting me. It's impossible. Yet I can still blog. And I'm feeling tempted to tell you people to leave me alone until I'm fine again.

People, you can leave me alone until I'm fine again.

I am also tempted to shout all into oblivion for people to care about me. But right now if I see anyone I'll just smile and pretend nothing's wrong. Like the you're weird - there's nothing with me raised-eyebrow look.

Identity issues here. So please don't probe. Even though I rage out against the insanity of it all, this is my battle. One casualty is enough. I'll heal.

Thanks for listening.

signed, jiasheng

19th Sept
hci
band/euphonium
doodler
blogger

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