blog/enigma

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

12:25 AM

Lately I find myself doing ridiculous things to hide from everyone besides from my immediate family, the people I randomly meet on my biking trips and the uncles and aunties who man their all-purpose shops downstairs at my flat.

Like, I have developed an aversion to coming home before midnight, so I'm actually a twisted version of Cinderella, running out of my house when I wake up and coming home after 12am. Just that darling Cinderella does it so she could meet her prince but is forced to run back home when the clock strikes twelve, while I'm forced to stay out until the witching hour, then I drag my tired body back home.

Why? I don't know. What I do know is that this condition might have become clinical, for I wake up with a sort of frightened awakening like some rat snoozing peacefully before being rudely interrupted by a cat's meowing. Then I stare fearfully at the phone, that silent bomb ticking away, ready to ring and bring bad news. Then I quickly bolt out of bed and have a hurried shower, and grab my bike keys and whoosh, out of the house I go.

Where to? Sometimes I just wander aimlessly around my neighborhood, cycling around Toa Payoh. Otherwise I find something to do, like go for a dip at the complex, or go on a reading spree. Anything but home. As usual, my phone's off, with its batteries not charged for at least a week. My wallets rather empty - Dad hasn't been giving me allowance recently, I wonder why. Maybe because I don't see him often now. He goes to work just about midnight. So I just walk about, not quite having a destination, nor a plan, other than the one that tells me not to stay at home.

It scares me. When I do go home, I don't even dare to blogsurf. Something's out there. Lurking. I don't know what. And common sense tells me that this isn't logical, and I should probably get professional help. Find a shrink maybe. But there's an intense feeling that keeps snaking in my thoughts and saying, "Get out of the house. Now." and I feel like I have no choice but to obey.

I didn't even turn up for practice. I knew that there was an extra practice on Monday, because Edwin is back and somehow wants to see our progress. But I had stayed up too late, until around 6 in the morning, before I collapsed out of sheer fatigue. When I woke up it was 2. Rashly, I swiftly took 5 minutes in the shower before bailing out to the library with my jacket and some coins I fished from some corner. I stayed at the library for around six hours, until it closed. I didn't even know whether the practice started at 8 or 1. But school seems to be dangerous too. I just didn't want to go.

I know it sounds incredible, and way out of character, but for once in the 13 years and 2 months existence of my life, I've reached a climax of escapism. Then again, maybe not out of character at all. I can't seem to remember a time of my life when I wasn't running away from anything. People, situations - I don't know. My life is currently one big question mark. And I still don't know about tomorrow.

signed, jiasheng

19th Sept
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