blog/enigma

Friday, November 30, 2007

2:05 PM

[H] Ponning: A Trial
Warning: Contains blasphemy, parodies of persons and lawsuit procedures. To be taken with 3 barrels of sodium chloride.

Scene opens. It is a trial court. It is a jury trial with several disinterested-looking jurors. The judge (L.S.) is dozing off. The prosecution (E.A) gently prods the judge with a rattan cane.

Prosecution: Uh, Your Honor? Is the trial starting?

Judge: Zzzz... baby, come to me... zzz....

Prosecution: Your Honor!

Judge: Zzz... shut up, I want to sleep... *raises a lazy eye* Oh, right. The trial.
*Bangs his hammer hard, startling the rest of the people in the court*

Judge: The Prosecution may begin.

Prosecution: Your Honor, this is an accusatory case of deliberate truancy. May I summon the accused?

Judge: You may do so.

Jiasheng enters, sandwiched between two bulky men and chained by shackles and bolts. The audience immediately explodes into appreciative cheer. The Judge bangs the hammer.

Judge: Shut up, all of you! Or else I'll charge all of you with contempt of court-points his hammer menacingly at the audience- each and everyone of you!

Prosecution: That's right! And I'll wrap your heads with stockings!

Everyone stares at the Prosecution. The Prosecution shifts his feet uncomfortably.

Judge: Just start, you pinhead.

Prosecution: *composes himself* Uh, alright. On November 30th, the accused, Lin Jiasheng is accused of deliberate truancy. It was clearly announced that there was outdoor band practice on that day. Reports have stated that he was present before the practice, mooching around in the band room. However, eyewitnesses state that he had mysteriously disappeared during practice.

Judge: Is that true, Jiasheng?

Jiasheng: *suavely* No.

Judge: Okay. He is innocent. Case dismissed.

Prosecution: *hurriedly* But Your Honor! He has not sworn to tell the truth yet. He might be lying!

Jiasheng: Objection! The Prosecution is making an unverified claim.

Prosecution: May I remind the accused that only representative lawyers may defend their clients?

Jiasheng: My lawyer has acne this morning, and therefore had reported in sick. He told me to pass this M.C. to you, Your Honor. I am representing myself today.

Judge: *inspects M.C.* Alright. The accused will now swear.

Jiasheng: *confused* If you say so, Your Honor. F...

Judge: No, you twithead. Repeat after me. "I swear on my life that I will tell nothing but the truth, the whole truth."

Jiasheng: I swear on your underwear that I will tell nothing but the truth, the whole truth.

Judge: Accepted.

Prosecution: But-!

Judge: Shut up, or I'll charge you with contempt of court. Now continue.

Prosecution: *grudgingly* I will now bring in a witness. May I summon Digeon Scratchthere?

Judge: Yes you may, on the condition that he does not spread his groin lice all over the court.

Digeon Scratchthere enters, a humongous obese figure who looks uneasy. His hand lingered over his crotch, ready to scratch, then caught himself and stopped.

Judge: Swear that you will tell the truth.

Digeon: Pardon me, Your Honor. I am a Christian. I cannot speak blasphemy.

Judge: How will swearing to tell the truth account to blasphemy?

Digeon: *nervously* For example: *exclaims loudly* PARDON ME, LORD! I AM LYING! *mutters softly* there is no scientific proof of God's existence.

Judge: Oh.

Digeon: AHHH! I HAVE SINNED! NOOOO!

A great light appears above the court. A booming voice says, "YOU HAVE SINNED." A prodigious lightning bolt strikes Digeon. He is burned to a crisp. The court room reeks of burning fat.

Judge: Someone clean that mess up. Prosecution, summon a new witness. Janitor, please install lightning rods on the roof.

Prosecution *utterly shocked* Oh my goodness!

Judge: You may summon Ohmy Goodness.

Prosecution: No, no, I mean it's just so shocking. I need time to get over this. May I summon Avril Lavigne to sing me a song?

Judge: No. The accused may now defend himself.

Jiasheng: Yay. I was sick that day. I told Digeon and my section mates and Mrs. Chan and Mr. Siao and generally everyone who asked me.

Judge: And what sickness, may I know, caused your disability to be present for practice?

Jiasheng: It is AIDS, Your Honor.

Judge: My God! But we... last night... you didn't tell me! And you didn't wear a condom! Oh my god, oh my god! *goes pale in the face in horror, and promptly faints*

Everybody cheers in the audience. Jiasheng is acquitted. The Prosecution puts on his headphones. Someone clears up what's left of Digeon. The jury, more disinterested than ever, starts playing daidee. Curtain closes.

signed, jiasheng

19th Sept
hci
band/euphonium
doodler
blogger

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