blog/enigma

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

10:19 PM

These few days have been disturbingly emo.
I guess it all started with the Ong Teng Cheong drama show because I stumbled into the terraces after the drama ended at about 9pm. The terraces in hwachong is notoriously dark because it's almost devoid of light sources and of course, one of the most reputably haunted places at night. Somehow, the dark was comforting. And the night was cool. A breeze was breathing across the field of grass, dodging the goalpost, ignoring the track poles.
Then I started to cry.
Crying for the realization that I was so utterly alone in this vast expanse of grass and cricket-calling, the soft glow of far-away lights and the deafening emptiness howling in my ear.
Crying for how I felt so abandoned and left out in everything I wanted to be part of.
And crying at myself for being so weak and having no resistance to a tiny blow like this.
I must have looked terribly, if not phantom-like, some weird guy crying in the school field at night.
***
Then there was this morning, when I was told by Zhenyang that he had a message from Jiexuan addressed to me. Apparently, I've heard enough from Sean to assume that Jiexuan is finally kicking me out of the group.
I took about 10 seconds to recompose myself, smile back at Zhenyang and acknowledged the message. Then I took the whole morning to think.
Do I want to stay in? Definitely not. I have no reasons to.
Jiexuan... Huiyao... I hate those people now. (People? Are they people?)
So? What of it?
The only way to react to an attack, is to... counterattack, isn't it?
With a sinking feeling in my heart, I prepared my speech on what to say when I meet Steven Su later. Yes, I don't like them, so I feel great countering them. I should be overjoyed that they have finally made their move so I could do this. Enthralled, elated, exhilarated.
I should be happy, shouldn't I?
***
"Is Jiasheng here?" Jiexuan asked passively. (Why? Concerned that I would run?)
"Yeah," Huiyao replied with an equal passion. (Sure. Lock me in chains. )
Jiasheng trailed along after them. (Slow, my heart. Make sure you present your point convincingly)
"Mr. Su?" Jiexuan enquired. Mr. Su looked up from his table. With fatigued resignation, he put down his work on hand.
"So, this is the group which wanted to see me? Jie Xuan?" (Ah, the trial starts.)
"Lin... Jiasheng?" ("Bring in the accused.")
"Are you aware of the situation?" Mr. Su asked, seemingly for the pure sake of asking.
Jiasheng pondered for two seconds, and answered curtly, "I would like an answer,"
"You mean you don't know why you're here?" Mr. Su almost looked confused.
"I would like an answer," I repeated firmly. (Yes, be in control here.)
Mr. Su's glassy eyes were glazed over for a moment, then he said, "Your group leader here wants you out of the projects' day group."
(Oh, what a shock. What surprise.)
Jiasheng let the fear and uncertainty and all the negative feelings flow over him and let them go. Only when fear goes will sagacity come. 3 seconds. 2 seconds. 1 second.
"I see," Jiasheng said coolly.
"So? What is the situation? Do you know why they are placing you out?"
"I would like to hear from... them." Jiasheng marvelled inwardly at his drawl.
"Well then. The team leader.. Jie Xuan, can you please tell him?" Mr. Su was perhaps caught between reacting to such a student in his life and his professional instinct to keep things in check.
Jiexuan still held his largely-emotionless stance, just a flicker of thought when his name was caught. He seemed to recite from a script, "Because he has not been doing anything for the team and the group members have come to a decision that we do not need such a member in our group. Furthermore, he has not turned up for the finals."
"And what about you?" Mr. Su beckoned to Jiasheng, whose subtly delighted expression betrayed him a little. (You're not the only one with a script, damned one. )
"My point is, I've been mostly uninformed about the current situation of the group's progress. Sure, I admit most of my absences are unfounded, but I see no further effort and initiative from the rest of the members and most importantly, the group leader. Furthermore, I was sick at the finals, as I've explained to the members. Sick, as in sick of malice and indifference. Thirdly, sure, I have no objections for withdrawing me from the team, but I think it would be fair for them to kindly also withdraw their group, due to the fact that the initial idea was thought up of by me, and the same applies for the group name. It is, after all, my intellectual property. Hwachong students wouldn't do to plagiarize, would they?" ("And I rest my case,")
Mr. Su was rather silent when he listened through this crafted prose, and threw Jiasheng off-course with, "Are you usually the rebellious type?"
Jiasheng chortled mentally, and said," Not conventionally."
"In any case, is what he said true?" Now he addressed the sullen figures outside the little cubicle, "do you agree?"
Silence means consent, then.
Jie Xuan broke it, "When we received his sms, it was phrased as in 'the story shall be that I'm sick'. We didn't know what it actually meant." (Ah, this complete his idiocy.)
"When I composed the message, I meant it in.. (taking a sideward glance) a very sarcastic way. I am sick. I am sick of their malice and indifference." (I realized, I did not even want to look into their repelling faces.)
"Go to your mentor. He would work out your differences." Mr. Su suggested.
"No," Jiasheng rejected, "I suggest you strike me my name off. It would solve their problem and mine." (I've said what I wanted to say. Now it's time to go.)
After a long lecture, Mr. Su concluded, "I still want you to go to your mentor."
Jiasheng gave a parting shot to his group, "I would speak to you later,"
Then he strolled off swiftly into the crowd.
***
No one is eternally loyal.
Especially oneself.

signed, jiasheng

19th Sept
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