blog/enigma

Monday, March 05, 2007

1:47 AM

I think I'm going through a personality change.
I might actually start to be nice. I'm serious. I know I've been a pretty mean person for nearly all my life (I made my classmates cry in kindergarten by saying her color pencils will break if she used them so forcefully with her fist-clenching artisan techniques.), and plenty of people hate me for my guts.
I've always self-identified as brash, out-spoken, insensitive, and crudely put, a loudmouth with a taste for sarcasm.
Therefore, too many people had suffered under this vicious tongue which lashes out like a red-hot poker, searing invisible scars on the heart I'm too dense to heal or even notice.
A recent example would be how my size-jokes (specifically directed towards plus-sized people around me, notably ZY and HY) infuriated them so much that I could feel the magnitude of their wrath radiating from them as I sipped at my strawberry milkshake at Macs.
And obviously, HY is so annoyed with me that he talks to me only by courtesy of the clique, so I'm left stuck between deciding an apology or an insult to injury. Regrettably, it's always the latter.
Maybe I should just stop my verbal spars (which I love so much, not unlike a die-hard smoker is addicted to tobacco) and drop all the daggered words clad in slabs of thick sarcasm.
Did I hear a mighty cheer arising all around?
I admit rather shamefully I do love poking fun at other people, without any feelings of enmity towards them. Of course, there are exceptions of people I truly detest (those are the people who get the full onslaught of insults) that I can unleash this oratorical blade, but even with those people I like, I say what I think is amusing.
Which, in most cases (I must say this defensively) are amusing, if not for the recipients' fury.
Should I just pick one? :
1) Be a all around nice person who pays at leasts three compliments a day and shuts up when he has nothing worthwhile to say.
2) Be myself and continue hurting people I like and love.
It's contradictory, isn't it? Will the people I like like me better without the sharp words, or otherwise?
Feedback. I need feedback.

signed, jiasheng

19th Sept
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