blog/enigma

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

2:24 AM

I'm devastated, and I don't know why.
It's totally ridiculous. I think I need to see a psychiatrist soon. I've been getting total mood swings - one moment I'm lucidly happy, another I'm suicidal.
And between these extremes, I'm left strained out and worn, as if emotions sap energy. In phases of changes, I become silent and autistic, blocking out all contacts yet trying hard to establish some sort of flailing connection with someone.
This might be it. After years of not-so-normal functioning, my brain has finally rose the white flag. Of course, why didn't I think of that - I'm finally going mad. Losing all mental sense. Robbed of my psychological faculties. Stripped of my personal identity.
I hate this evil, twisted, illogical and revoltingly abnormal life of mine.
Either that, or the other option I don't want to think about. That's scarier.
Oh great. Now I'm starting to feel melancholic again. I must write and pen down some last words before those words, conceived and planned meticulously by my mind, is lost forever in the chasms of it.
I must write.
I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. I lead a fairly eccentric life, but hey, so does everyone. I don't need others to point a mocking finger and say, "We all have that,"
According to Mariah Carey in "When You Believe", love is supposed to be very near.
Then why do I feel as if it's further and further away, out of my desperate grasps?
As if it's on a ship out to sea, its swan song to the other side. And between is a seething ocean of silver-coated knives, stabbing sharply, mercilessly and unrelentingly into a heart which bleeds afresh.
Drip by drip, drop by drop.
Some people draw inspiration from extremities, but I seek solace in silence.
And other people may falter in their shuffled steps to glance at a sunrise, while I look beyond the first rays of the day and into yesterday's night.
There's one single thing someone cannot take away from you, not matter how hard they try. They can steal from you all comfort, basic needs like food to nourish your cracked frame, water to refresh that parched throat, free air to breathe. They can take away your friends, family, even your own life with a slash of that glinting blade.
But still, they can't take from you that strong yet fragile emotion if you choose not to give it up.
That's one very special thing in life.

signed, jiasheng

19th Sept
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