blog/enigma

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

2:33 AM

I've just been asked what Liu Zhen said to me that fateful night. Well, I don't want to ruin every body's good impression on him. Come to think of it, I actually pity him. I think everybody should take on a big-picture view and be more understanding. 'Everybody', which would include me.
I get the feeling that someone would be quite furious if he reads my post. As I've said, sometimes, when you get the anger rush and you don't have any more vases to break or can't bear to lash out at someone, the best place to dump all your emotions would be a blog. A rather crude and impolite (both to readers and the subject being insulted) but a convenient enough effort to stop you from screaming out loud.
So, my posts come with a large barrel of salt so you don't have to take them too seriously. As you can see on the tagboard, it's pretty much tongue-in-cheek.
And Liu Zhen's quite pitiful. You see, he's trying to sacrifice his popularity for the adaptation of a more serious and disciplined character. Which is, to say the least, a conflict between his own character. I briefly remember telling him that night that the 'cheery, chirpy guy was missing'.
My advice to him? Never to lose yourself in any event. If you appear fickle, no one would trust you in leading them. And I'm certain many people had already changed their opinion on you. Just be yourself and retain your individualistic charisma and you will get more people to listen and place their confidence in you.
And I'm sorry for being mean and uncooperative. It have been hard for you to switch to a leader mode, trying to adopt to something you have little experience in. To say the truth, you need a lot of hard work to be a good leader. By the way, being hostile and irritable does not put you in high regard of other people.
So be careful with your words. And don't try to be autocratic.
Actually, that can be considered as an answer. What he said that night was just blunt words and words that seems like threats to me.
It's past history though. Therefore, I shall not remember and from this point onwards, be nicer to him (I've been ignoring him for quite a while now. I doubt he notices anyway).
Then Sean told me on MSN that he read my blog. Let me look for the conversation...
I don't think he took it seriously though.

Sean: lol. I just read your blog. I feel obliged to tell you I treat you like any other junior, that's all.
Jiasheng:I'm surprised you did. And that's all I'm going to say? xD
Sean: ok..

I find a lot of faults in this 3 exchanges.
Any other junior. I'm laughing hysterically already. I didn't tell him, 'Any other junior? So I assume Edwin and Lionel are Sec 4s?'
Get real. More often than not, you see me staring forlornly at him hanging out with them/ Beating the pulp out of them/ Laughing with them...
This is getting kind of sick even for me to bear. Sean just had to feedback to me that he read the post, yes, he needed to make a false claim. I've already decided to forget him and let him graduate to JC in peace. What's the problem? Well, I assumed that sticking around him was getting very unhealthy for my social life. In any case, I can't help but feel heavy-hearted.
The problem with Sean is that he doesn't understand the complex mind works of people he doesn't know well. It would seem to that he is mentally retarded in this aspect. Even as he reads my entries, I doubt he understands what is happening around here.
By the way, I have the answer to his question now. He asked me why I'm not going to the Farewell Lunch. My answer is quite similar to Zhenyang:
I have nothing to do there. I am an outcast, for no one would miss me if I'm gone. I might slip in and out of the event and Mrs. Chan would still be talking about her polo tees and if I hadn't come, maybe Khee Xuan and Kun Won might have turned up. Bet they couldn't bear to see me there. I might actually ruin the lunch.
I didn't want to come, for I don't fit in there. I don't belong like they do.
So does it answer your questions? Sean Chia.

***

I have seen people who are instantly popular as they have their own spotlights in life. They are the ones who seem to bright up even the darkest rooms, filling the place with such charm and wit that every body just knows that they are important people. They talk well, and have excellent interpersonal skills. They are full of confidence and have a circle of friends who revolves around them.
And then there will be a time when Fate decides to play a cruel joke and introduce an outcast, unpopular kid to one of these popular person.
As usual, the popular kid would treat the unpopular kid like a good friend. Then the unpopular kid suddenly gets a rush of excitement: he has never been treated so important and nicely before. Not before long, he would open up to him and expects some sort of requited friendship.
However, the popular kid is too used to this kind of short-lasting friendships. He would just think that it's just another face in the crowd; it doesn't matter if he doesn't see him again.
And this is when the unpopular kid hurts. He takes it seriously, but the other doesn't.
You get it Sean? This is an insight to my life, as well as many others. You have been given the gift to bring joy to others, but at the same time, you don't think how your presence would affect them.
I've been wanting to say this for a long time.
And now, I really want you to read just this section. Thanks.

***

On a more reality note, I have other things to worry about. For example, the fact that Mrs. Chan had not answered my query on CIP hours, and I have to go see TeoCM tomorrow. I should be panicking, but strangely I'm not. Which, I have no idea is a good thing or otherwise.
At most, she would tie me up at her cubicle and dip me in boiling oil. Or threaten to pluck out my eyebrows one by one.
I think you would see what happens tomorrow. If I happen to decapitated, handicapped, limbs chopped off, comatosed or any morbid misfortune, I promised to blog about it. Even if it means I have to type using a pencil in my mouth or return as a ghost.
Speaking of ghosts, I have this dream to die one day and become a ghost and haunt many people. Not haunt them in the horror genre, no scary empty eye sockets or whatsoever. But gently remind them it's me, I'm moving on, please remember me.
It has a feel-good feeling to it.
I even imagined myself like the scene in 'Matilda'. I would grab some chalk and to the absolute horror of my teachers, write, "YOU STUPID FOOL HOW DARE YOU GIVE ME only A DAY TO RESEARCH ON THE PROJECT?!" in my usual cursive handwriting so they would know it's me.
I read a poem once and I liked it so much that I've memorized it.

DO NOT STAND AT MY GRAVE AND WEEP

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sun on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake up to the morning's hush,
I am the swift up-lifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight;
I am soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

It is one of the poems that touches the subject on death, yet touches my heart. When you die, you don't cease to exist, as long as someone remembers you. When you live in someone's heart, your existence is forever. You are present in every breeze, every leaf, in every moment.

***

It's 0337 now. I'm having 'Breakaway' playing repeatedly. Dad just bought crabs and they are now in a styroform box, trying to get out, making scratchy sounds with their pincers.
Poor things. They are going to die soon.
Or have they already died?
And no one would remember them. And I'm going to eat them, most likely tomorrow.
I would pray for those crabs.

'Jiasheng

signed, jiasheng